Liz Truss. All Trussed Up And Nowhere To Go?

This afternoon Liz Truss, who is superficially Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, and a woman so radical she’s prepared to make unpopular decisions like changing her mind when she said she wouldn’t, did not appear in The House of Commons to answer an urgent question tabled by Her Majesty’s, oops, His Majesty’s official opposition, the Labour Party.

This morning, the verbal trap, Jeremy Hunt, The Chancellor of the Exchequer, made his Medium-Term Fiscal Plan statement. No, I’ve no idea either.

Mr Hunt, the verbal lure, replaced Kwasi Kwarteng, a man whose legacy will be, ”you know, that dude who got replaced by someone who could be rhyming slang.” Mr Kwarteng was also the UK’s first Black Chancellor of the Exchequer. So that’s racism sorted innit.

According to People Polling only nine percent of the British population has a positive view of Liz Truss. Yet she’s Prime Minister and you ain’t.

It has been a busy few days for the Prime Minister, who once said, “I can lead, deliver and make the tough decisions.” One tough decision was obviously not turning up to The House of Commons to get harangued (not a real word) by the opposition and some members of her own party. However as the saying goes, “It’s my party and I’ll hide if I want to.”

It’s obvious what your thinking. What were it like in Downing Street during the “long weekend of turmoil” when our Prime Minister experienced a tumultuous long weekend turmoiling?

“Oh to be a fly on the wall,” is what I mutter three times to allow me to be one, so you don’t have to be.

Picture goes wavy and we’re back in the past….

Early Evening, Thursday 13th October.

Me: I’ve not seen you before.

Fly: Buzz off.

Liz Truss [on phone]: Hi Kwas. It’s Liz-yo! You’re on speakerphone.

Kwasi Kwarteng, Chancellor of the Exchequer: Why are you ringing me on this number?

Liz Truss: My special advisor said you might not answer if you knew it was me. Anyway, you need to get your arse back home, asap.

Kwasi Kwarteng: I beg your pardon?

Liz Truss: As soon as possible.

Kwasi Kwarteng: I’m busy meeting with my fellow masters of the universe. Can it not wait until I return? Or even be discussed over the phone?

Liz Truss: We need to talk face to face. You know how we roll. Always keep things on the DL.

Kwasi Kwarteng: Please don’t embarrass yourself Liz. Ok. I’ll return as soon as I can.

Liz Truss: ….Oh, and bring some duty free.

Kwasi Kwarteng: Such as?

Liz Truss: A massive Toblerone and 100 cigars.

Kwasi Kwarteng: You don’t smoke Liz.

Liz Truss: I’ll sell, I mean, I’ll give them to Thérèse.

Mid Morning, Friday 14th October.

[knock at door]

1st Downing Street Aide: Kwasi Kwarteng to see you Prime Minister.

Liz Truss: Kwas! Good to have you back! Wait. Where’s the duty….?

Kwasi Kwarteng: Please Liz. What is this about?

Liz Truss: Mmm. Have you considered your position?

Kwasi Kwarteng: Why would I? Less than 24 hours ago some BBC scallywag asked me if this time next month I’d be Chancellor and if you’d be Prime Minister.

Liz Truss: What did you say?

Kwasi Kwarteng: Absolutely 100%, I’m not going anywhere.

Liz Truss: Mmm.

Kwasi Kwarteng: What do you mean “Mmm?”

Liz Truss: Well some people, not me obviously, think you should consider your position. Have you considered your position?

Kwasi Kwarteng: No.

Liz Truss: Not at all?

Kwasi Kwarteng: No.

Liz Truss: Not even on the odd occasion?

Kwasi Kwarteng: Thrice No.

Liz Truss: The thing is Kwasi, some people, not me obviously, think I should sack you.

Kwasi Kwarteng: Are you?

Liz Truss: Are me what?

Kwasi Kwarteng: Are you going to sack me?

Liz Truss: Never. You and me go way back. Our posse is thick like plastic.

Kwasi Kwarteng: Please don’t embarrass yourself Liz.

Liz Truss: Oh…kay….

Kwasi Kwarteng: Is there anything else Liz? The economy isn’t going to grow itself.

Liz Truss: No no. That’s all. You continue with your economic policy Kwas.

Kwasi Kwarteng: Our economic policy Liz.

Liz Truss: Semantics. However I will write you a strongly worded letter of support.

Kwasi Kwarteng: Thank-you Liz. Although I don’t see why one would be needed.

Liz Truss [whispering to Aide]: Leak to the press he’s been sacked.

Kwasi Kwarteng: You do know I can still hear you don’t you?

Early Afternoon, Friday 14th October.

Liz Truss [turning off television]: Is there no pleasing the markets?!?

Me: BBC’s Laura Kuennsburg says, “You can’t buck the market. If you buck the market, the market bucks you.”

Fly: Who are you?

Liz Truss [on phone]: Hi Sajid. It’s Liz…. Hello? Hello?

[knock at door]

Liz Truss [reading]: “Chancellor of the Exchequer and Second Lord of the Treasury. Salary £153,022 (including £81,932 salary as Member of Parliament).” What’s not to like eh? Enter!

1st Downing Street Aide: Boris Johnson has just rung me on my phone Prime Minister. He said your line was busy.

Liz Truss: Oh good. Gis it here.

[takes phone from Aide]

Liz Truss: You’re on speakerphone Boris.

Boris Johnson: Liz….

Liz Truss: Get fucked. [ends call]

[knock at door]

2nd Downing Street Aide: Jeremy Hunt’s rang back on my phone Prime Minister. He said your line was busy.

Liz Truss: At fucking last. Gis it here.

[takes phone from Aide]

Liz Truss: Hi Jezza. You’re on speakerphone.

Jeremy Hunt: What can I do for you Liz?

Liz Truss: I’d like you to replace Kwasi.

[silence]

Liz Truss: You still there Jezza?

Jeremy Hunt: Is this a wind up?

Liz Truss: No. Not at all. You were my first choice.

Jeremy Hunt: If I do take the role there will be conditions.

Liz Truss: Name your ‘price’ Jezza.

Jeremy Hunt: Well….

[5 minutes later]

Jeremy Hunt: ….and your first born.

Liz Truss: You know I’ve got kids right Hunt?

Jeremy Hunt: What did you just call me?

Liz Truss: Your name! Anyway, I’ll let you get back to it. The economy isn’t going to grow itself is it?

[slumps back in chair]

Liz Truss: That hunt.

Mid Afternoon, Sunday 16th October.

Me: ….So, flies round shit.

Fly: Buzz off.

Liz Truss [talking to self]: Putin. Ukraine. Putin. Ukraine. Germany’s inflation is worser…..

[phone rings]

Liz Truss [mutters “Number unknown”]: Hello? Who’s this?

Michael Gove: Holy diver, I’m a survivor, Feeling like DeNiro in Taxi Driver….

Liz Truss: Michael bloody Gove. Get fucked.

[slams phone down]

[receives text alert]

Liz Truss: What the? “The writing’s in the hall?”

[knock at door]

1st Downing Street Aide: Prime Minister, someone’s sprayed, “You’re fucked” in the hallway.

Liz Truss: I need to speak with my special advisor. Get me a full-length mirror!

………………………………………………………………………………………………

The ‘Boris Johnson’s’: