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/i> What about Angela Rayner?</p><p id="652b"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> What about Angela Rayner?</p><p id="d66c"><i>1st Journalist:</i> If you resign immediately you’ll’ve set a president….</p><p id="c2fd"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> ‘Precedent.’</p><p id="ddbd"><i>1st Journalist:</i> That’s what I said.</p><p id="c028"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> No, you said….nevermind. You were saying?</p><p id="d287"><i>1st Journalist:</i> If you go, she needs to go.</p><p id="86c9"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> That’s up to her. I’m not the boss of her.</p><p id="54ba"><i>3rd Journalist:</i> Dude, you literally are.</p><p id="f468"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> How about I ring her?</p><p id="c594"><i>1st Journalist:</i> Really?!?</p><p id="6045"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> Yes. I’ll ring her right now.</p><p id="fbc1"><i>2nd Journalist:</i> Really?!?</p><p id="6bd7"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> Yes…. [dials number] It’s ringing….</p><p id="d0e5"><i>3rd Journalist:</i> [whispers] He’s not really ringing her.</p><p id="b3bd"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> Gingernuts. It’s me…. Me…. K Dog…. Yes, very funny. So, to cut a long story short, the press were nagging me about that whole “Boris Johnson should resign because he’s under a police investigation” thing, I said…. Yes, I know, with hindsight….So, Angela, I said I’d resign immediately….. [“Fuck off!” can be heard coming from the phone]</p><p id="15d0"><i>1st Journalist:</i> [to Journalist next to them] Someone’s not happy.</p><p id="42c3"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> ….Angela….Angela….You know I put the ‘prince’ into ‘principled.’ Ultimately Angela, the press want to know if you’ll ‘Eric B and Rakim It?’ Follow the Leader?</p><p id="6b7a"><i>Person at back of the room:</i> Word.</p><p id="88bd"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> Wait wait Angela. I’ll put you on loudspeaker. Hold on. [briefly mutes phone] The following statement may contain language that some viewers may find offensive. Ok, over to you Angela.</p><p id="a916"><i>Angela Rayner:</i> [on loudspeaker] Fuck it. Yeah I will.</p><p id="801c"><i>1st Journalist:</i> Seriously?!?</p><p id="c039"><i>Angela Rayner:</i> [on loudspeaker] Are they fucking deaf?</p><p id="b2e5"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> No Angela. They’re not deaf. However, thank-you for the clarification.</p><p id="b688"><i>Journalists</i>: [silence]</p><p id="6233"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> Anymore questions?</p><p id="c6ff"><i>Journalists:</i> Er….no…</p><p id="f02f"><i>Keir Starmer:</i> Thank-you for coming….. Actually, did I say I intend to stand again in that future leadership election?</p><p id="af8e"><i>Journalists:</i> Sir Keir! Sir Keir! Sir Keir!</p><div id="507b" class="link-block"> <a href="https://readmedium.com/angela-rayner-gross-misconduct-4c43e44f013"> <div> <div> <h2>Angela Rayner. Gross, misconduct.</h2> <div><h3>A few days ago a story based on no evidence whatsoever (what do you expect from a Daily Wind Up?) claimed Angela…</h3></div> <div><p>medium.com</p></div>

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Keir Starmer. Starmerlarmadingdong

Sir Keir Starmer. Facing a relegation play-off.

Yesterday the Leader of the Labour Party of the United Kingdom, Sir Keir Starmer, a man so ordinary he were named after the first Labour Leader, in a surprise move that kinda fucked ev’rybogga up, said he would resign if he received a Fixed Penalty Notice for breaking lockdown rules. ‘Beergate.’

1st Person: Why is it called Beergate?

2nd Person: Cos of Watergate.

1st Person: What’s a Watergate?

2nd Person: Ne’ermind.

If I’d been caught at work with a Fixed Penalty Notice….Actually that ain’t gonna work….

Anyway, see below for an alternative reality of yesterday’s press conference.

Keir Starmer: ….We are not all the same. I am different and I’ve set out today how I am different.

1st Journalist: On January the 31st you put out a tweet, you said, “Honesty and decency matter. After months of denials the Prime Minister is now under criminal investigations for breaking his own lockdown laws. He needs to do the decent thing and resign.” So you said then that the Prime Minister should resign because he was under criminal investigation, which you now are as well. Isn’t it rather hypocritical? That you said that of him but you’re not prepared to resign right now? What do you say to people that say you’re a hypocrite?

Keir Starmer: It’s a fair point.

1st Journalist: Pardon?

Keir Starmer: It’s a fair point.

1st Journalist: So you agree with me?

Keir Starmer: Yes. I suppose I do.

1st Journalist: Oh…kay….I….Er….

2nd Journalist: Me! Me! So if you agree with my colleague will you resign immediately? [mutters] Nailed it.

Keir Starmer: Yes.

2nd Journalist: Really?!?

Keir Starmer: Yes.

2nd Journalist: Honestly?!?

Keir Starmer: I swear down.

2nd Journalist: Oh….Right….Well….

Keir Starmer: Obviously I will stay on until a new leader is elected.

2nd Journalist: So you won’t actually resign immediately then?

Keir Starmer: True. You have got me there.

3rd Journalist: Me! Me! If you stay on until a new leader is elected isn’t that having your cake and eating it? Or in this case, curry? [high fives journalist sitting next to them]

Keir Starmer: I suppose that’s also a fair point

1st Journalist: What about Angela Rayner?

Keir Starmer: What about Angela Rayner?

1st Journalist: If you resign immediately you’ll’ve set a president….

Keir Starmer: ‘Precedent.’

1st Journalist: That’s what I said.

Keir Starmer: No, you said….nevermind. You were saying?

1st Journalist: If you go, she needs to go.

Keir Starmer: That’s up to her. I’m not the boss of her.

3rd Journalist: Dude, you literally are.

Keir Starmer: How about I ring her?

1st Journalist: Really?!?

Keir Starmer: Yes. I’ll ring her right now.

2nd Journalist: Really?!?

Keir Starmer: Yes…. [dials number] It’s ringing….

3rd Journalist: [whispers] He’s not really ringing her.

Keir Starmer: Gingernuts. It’s me…. Me…. K Dog…. Yes, very funny. So, to cut a long story short, the press were nagging me about that whole “Boris Johnson should resign because he’s under a police investigation” thing, I said…. Yes, I know, with hindsight….So, Angela, I said I’d resign immediately….. [“Fuck off!” can be heard coming from the phone]

1st Journalist: [to Journalist next to them] Someone’s not happy.

Keir Starmer: ….Angela….Angela….You know I put the ‘prince’ into ‘principled.’ Ultimately Angela, the press want to know if you’ll ‘Eric B and Rakim It?’ Follow the Leader?

Person at back of the room: Word.

Keir Starmer: Wait wait Angela. I’ll put you on loudspeaker. Hold on. [briefly mutes phone] The following statement may contain language that some viewers may find offensive. Ok, over to you Angela.

Angela Rayner: [on loudspeaker] Fuck it. Yeah I will.

1st Journalist: Seriously?!?

Angela Rayner: [on loudspeaker] Are they fucking deaf?

Keir Starmer: No Angela. They’re not deaf. However, thank-you for the clarification.

Journalists: [silence]

Keir Starmer: Anymore questions?

Journalists: Er….no…

Keir Starmer: Thank-you for coming….. Actually, did I say I intend to stand again in that future leadership election?

Journalists: Sir Keir! Sir Keir! Sir Keir!

UK Politics
Labour Party
Labour Leadership
Keir Starmer
Partygate
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