Keir Starmer. Immigration. Immigration. Immigration.
Today the Leader of the Labour Party of the United Kingdom, Sir Keir Starmer, a man so ordinary that he thinks a picket line is an elaborate trap, held a press conference to launch the Labour Party immigration policy.
Keir Starmer: Hello everybody. I have invited you here to launch the Labour Party immigration policy…. Drum roll please Angela….
Angela Rayner: Fuck off.
Keir Starmer: Ok. The Labour Party immigration policy is. Not racist.
[silence]
Keir Starmer: Questions please.
1st Journalist: Have you any more details?
Keir Starmer: Yes. It will not be the Tory policy. It will not be racist.
1st Journalist: Could you be more specific please? What exactly will the policy involve?
Keir Starmer: The policy will involve not being the Tory policy.
2nd Journalist: What effect will the policy have on the economy?
Keir Starmer: ‘Effect.’
2nd Journalist: That’s what I said.
Keir Starmer: No you said…. No. My mistake. What was the question again?
2nd Journalist: What effect will the policy have on the economy?
Keir Starmer: The policy won’t be racist. Therefore it will have a positive affect.
2nd Journalist: ‘Effect.’
Keir Starmer: Yes. That as well.
3rd Journalist: Are you reluctant to go into detail about your immigration policy because you are concerned it may receive a negative response from voters?
Keir Starmer: I can neither confirm nor deny that.
3rd Journalist: With the greatest of respect Mr Starmer, that is the kind of answer a lawyer would give.
Keir Starmer: You do know I was a Barrister right? Appointed Queen’s Counsel? Named “QC of the year” for 2007? A former Director of Public Prosecutions?
2nd Journalist: [whispers to Journalist next to them] Boring McBoringface.
Keir Starmer: ….There are some who have said that the British attitude towards immigration is racist. The Labour party does not think the British are racists. The Ukrainian resettlement program has demonstrated this. Ordinary Brits have opened their doors to refugees.
3rd Journalist: Some have said the opposite….
Keir Starmer: [whispers to Angela Rayner] I bet they’re with The Guardian.
3rd Journalist: What was that?
Keir Starmer: Nothing. You were saying?
3rd Journalist: ….Some have said ordinary Brits have opened their doors to Ukrainians because they look like us.
Keir Starmer: Well, last time I looked our Shadow Foreign Secretary, Funky DL….
[Angela Rayner kicks Keir Starmer]
Keir Starmer: ….Sorry, last time I looked David Lammy identified as a Black man. I’m pretty sure he would disagree with that hypothesis.
4th Journalist: What about voters in Dover? [mutters] Nailed it.
Keir Starmer: Why is it always Dover?
4th Journalist: I dunno. Blue skies over…. White cliffs of?
1st Journalist: [mutters to 4th Journalist] Failed it.
Keir Starmer: Labour’s immigration policy will have social justice at the heart of it.
2nd Journalist: Literally, what does that literally mean?
Keir Starmer: It means the Labour Party immigration policy, will, not, be, racist.
1st Journalist: Mr Starmer. Please.
Keir Starmer: I have clearly laid out what the Labour Party immigration policy will fundamentally involve. I’m a straight talking politician. I call a spade a spade.
1st Journalist: Mmm, slightly racist.
Epilogue
1st Person: Spade is a very old racial slur for a Black person. Do you not think it’s a bit obscure?
Me: You’re a bit obscure.