Are You Ready for the Narcissist’s Extreme Reaction When You Move On?
Narcissistic injury leads to narcissistic collapse
Whether the narcissist discarded you or you discarded them, seeing you move on creates narcissistic injury. The narcissist feels rejected, abandoned, unworthy, a failure.
This drives their response.
The narcissist wishes to end these feelings as quickly as possible. The two ways to do that are…
- Trying to win you back
- Punishing you for making them feel this way
Often, out of sheer desperation, they do both at the same time or alternate back and forth in a dizzying swirl of tactics.
The narcissist tries to win you back
Let’s be entirely clear. The narcissist does not want you back. They want the narcissistic supply you provided. To them, you are an object.
You may be an excellent source of supply. Supply is what they need right now — to regulate their emotions and stabilize their self-esteem. They will do or say anything to get it.
The narcissist will try to get your attention: They want you thinking about them. This makes them relevant and gives them supply, even if you don’t respond. The narcissist will walk through your neighborhood, frequent your hangouts, befriend your friends, visit your work, and post things on social media to catch your attention.
The narcissist will create excuses to interact: This is the next step in reclaiming control. Now that they’ve got you thinking about them, they compel you to respond to them. (It’s like using the clicker from dog training.) They play upon your insecurities, love bomb, and use positive reinforcement to get your engagement.
- Can I stop by after work and see if my lucky tie clip is there? I can’t find it anywhere and I have a big interview tomorrow.
- Give me a call. My mom fell and I want to tell you about it. I know she’s important to you after 20 years.
- Let’s meet for dinner to discuss this legal matter. I know you’re not telling your attorney to be so aggressive.
The narcissist will offer a false apology: The false apology has worked with you before. Chances are it will work again. This is a low effort tactic with potentially great rewards.
The narcissist will hoover you: The narcissist swoops back in with love bombing tactics carefully tailored for you. They know what will melt your heart, what will manipulate you into hearing them out, what will convince you to give them another chance.
They may also know that you’re not coming back as a romantic partner. They still want your supply and your resources. They may instead hoover you into being a friend, a mentor, an advisor. Flattering as it may be, they are using you.
The narcissist will future fake you: Future-faking is part of a hoover attempt. The narcissist will paint the picture of future vacations, date nights, family life, celebrating anniversaries, growing old together. They don’t have any intention of creating any of these things, but they know if you believe them, you’ll be hooked again, and their supply will be secured.
While the narcissist is driven by the pursuit of narcissistic supply, they also make things right in their world by feeling power and control over you. Responding AT ALL gives them power and control. You’ve given them your time, your attention. You’ve devalued yourself for them.
Think about that.
The narcissist punishes you
The discard was bad enough, regardless of who initiated it. Your moving on is the final blow to the narcissist’s self-esteem. Even if they are with someone new, they want you to be pining over them, begging them to come back, struggling to get through the day. In their mind, that proves their superior worth and value.
When you move on, the narcissist receives the message that they’re not superior, not relevant, not worthy of your attention. Talk about narcissistic injury! What follows is narcissistic rage — even narcissistic collapse. To the narcissist, this is worthy of punishment.
The narcissist will try to outdo you: They will try to elevate their status above yours by appearing wealthier, more successful, more connected, and with a higher value significant other. They want you to know they’re better than you. More importantly, they want others to see they are better than you. They have also moved on –better.
The narcissist will devalue you: The narcissist cannot leave the perceived power imbalance unchallenged. They will seek to bring you down, to raise them up. This restores their self-esteem. They will use those punishment/devaluation tactics that work best on you.
The narcissist will threaten you: When all else has failed, the narcissist becomes increasingly desperate. They are on the verge of narcissistic collapse and must regain their sense of control.
They may threaten to destroy your career, take your children, or leave you penniless. Inducing fear and provoking an argument makes them very, very relevant.
The narcissist will smear you: This is another desperate attempt to regain control and relevance. They may…
- Call the police with a false claim
- File a restraining order
- Serve you with a ridiculous lawsuit
- Try to get you fired
- Denigrate you in your community
When the narcissist is no longer able to control you, they seek to control how others see you.
Narcissistic collapse: The narcissist’s punishments are all signs of their narcissistic collapse. They are desperately trying to regain their persona and the stability that goes with it. When their attempts fail, it precipitates greater collapse.
At that point you may see either withdrawal or vindictive behavior. It may be extreme.
- Self-harm
- Suicide attempts
- Drinking or drug use
- Reckless driving
- Verbal/physical violence
- Intense lashing out
- Revenge
You are responsible for you
It’s easy to feel that you’re the problem, that you’re causing the narcissist intense pain, that you’re responsible for their implosion. You’re not. Read that again. You’re not.
The narcissist’s disorder is the problem. It is their responsibility to deal with it. Taking that away from them is disempowering.
You deserve to be happy. You deserve to move on.
You are responsible for you.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Why Does a Narcissist Discard You Then Try to Hoover You Back? and As a Recovering Narcissist Victim, How Do I Become Truly Indifferent?