7 Consequences of Poor Listening Skills
Don’t let closed ears ruin your relationship and sex life
When we think about things that can go wrong with communication in a relationship, we generally think about what we say — or in some cases, what we don’t say. However, listening can also play a role in the problems we have in our relationship. More specifically, when we don’t listen, it can lead to several consequences that negatively affect our sex life and relationship. The following are some of them.
Poor Listening Can Shut Down Future Conversations
It can be challenging to talk about problems in a relationship — particularly if those problems are of a sexual nature. But the challenge becomes even harder when someone realizes what they’re saying is falling on deaf ears. This not only makes someone feel diminished, it can discourage them from talking about any problems ever again.
“If this is your first conversation about these issues and you are not the one initiating your own disclosures, you are not likely getting the full picture from your partner. It’s a safe bet that your partner is measuring out their disclosure to test how you are responding,” said licensed clinical psychologist Paul-Roy Taylor, PhD. “If you’re not listening well, being reactive, dismissive, talking over them, or being defensive, they assume, perhaps rightfully, that you can’t tolerate any more conversations about this, and you won’t have a full understanding of what’s really going on for your partner. It’s a disclosure killer and those take a lot of work on your part to repair.”
Poor Listening Can Prevent You From Knowing Your Partner
For couples to really get to know each other, they need to disclose information about themselves. But no matter how much you tell your partner, if they’re not listening, they’ll never truly get to know you — no matter how much time you spend together and how long the relationship lasts.
“Not feeling heard can create a sense of not feeling safe to share your true thoughts and ideas.” — Azaria Menezes
“If a couple do not listen to one another then they will never really know the other person. They can end up in situations that can easily be avoided, like knowing what the other one is doing that day or what time they are supposed to meet somewhere,” said relationship coach John Kenny. “It will lead to arguments as they won’t know what the other person is saying or understand their needs and nothing that is seen as a problem will ever get resolved. “
Poor Listening Can Cause Intimacy Avoidance
If your partner has concerns about your sex life, be sure to listen, even if it’s uncomfortable. Although you may think talking about these issues can wreck your sex life, not listening to your partner’s feelings may mean the end of intimacy altogether.
“Not feeling heard can create a sense of not feeling safe to share your true thoughts and ideas. Oftentimes, this can then create resentment from the partner that isn’t being listened to because they feel like they are not able to speak to their desires and be heard,” said sex and relationship coach Azaria Menezes. “This can leave the partner that is not being heard frustrated and it does not support their fullest sexual enjoyment in the bedroom. The partner that isn’t being heard may not get their sexual needs met and this can create a cycle where they aren’t enjoying the sex as much as they could be — and could even lead to avoiding intimacy all together.”
“If your partner doesn’t feel heard, they may hide desires that are mutually exciting to you.” — Megwyn White
Poor Listening Can Lead to Stress
When it comes to your sex life, poor listening skills not only make your partner feel less enthusiastic about intimacy, it can actually make sexual activity a source of stress, says Megwyn White, Certified Clinical Sexologist and Director of Education for Satisfyer. Since it’s so challenging to share how we feel about our sex lives, a partner who doesn’t listen only makes that anxiety worse.
“If there is an issue with poor listening, sex can quickly turn into another area of anxiety for you and your partner. Authentic sexual expression has the potential to be one of the best ways to release stress and anxiety through helping to down-regulate stress,” White explained. “However, a lack of listening increases the chances that partners will feel guarded, and unable to relax fully into their bodies. Resentments can quickly form and cause an accumulation of stress and anxiety. Solid communication where both partners feel heard can help to smooth these edges out, and get you back to a space of mutual understanding and to allow your intimacy to be a stress reducing experience for both you and your partner.”
Poor Listening Can Lead to Missed Opportunities for Pleasure
Just because your partner is sharing what they want in the bedroom doesn’t mean enjoyment of the request will be a one-way street. Ideally, these kinds of discussions benefit both partners, so when one doesn’t listen with an open mind and heart, they’re actually missing the opportunity to experience their own pleasure.
“Even with all the chemistry in the world, if partners can’t listen, they can’t communicate.” — Heather Rashal
“Chances are your partner cares about you and wants to share their desires because they are curious to explore something pleasurable with you,” said White. “If you are unable to hear their request, the conversation can devolve into an argument, rather than an opportunity for mutual pleasure shared. If your partner doesn’t feel heard, they may hide desires that are mutually exciting to you.”
Poor Listening Can Make Your Partner Check Out
If you don’t listen to your partner, they may begin to feel invisible, which can cause them to check out of the relationship. If this happens, it may lead to a downward spiral of negativity that can be difficult to recover from.
“When one or both partners have ‘checked out’ from a relationship, communication as a whole becomes non-existent. Instead of talking and actively listening to one another, each person chooses to keep things to themselves. Now instead of listening to comprehend each other, any communication turns into ‘me and my point of view versus yours,’” said intimacy coach Ro Sanchez. “Over time, this causes negative communication patterns like passive-aggressive comments, minor situations turn into serious conflicts, feelings of being taken for granted arise, and even resentment comes into the picture.”
Poor Listening Can Kill Your Relationship Entirely
Listening may not be something we think much about when it comes to our relationships, but we should. If we don’t, our relationship will suffer for it and can ultimately be sacrificed on the altar of poor listening skills.
“Poor listening skills will destroy a relationship,” said licensed therapist Heather Rashal, LMHC, who is a writer for Choosing Therapy. “Even with all the chemistry in the world, if partners can’t listen, they can’t communicate. If they can’t communicate, unfortunately, relationships tend to be short-lived or extremely volatile.”
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