Quickie: How Do People Really Feel About a First Kiss?

It’s not as romantic as you think

If we listen to the media, first kisses in a relationship are a thing of romance, all wrapped up in the bows of hearts, roses, and Cupid’s arrows. But in real life, first kisses can be nothing short of anxiety inducing. In fact, according to Pamela Regan, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Cal State Los Angeles and author of Close Relationships*, it’s common for people to feel incredibly nervous before a first kiss, no matter how excited they are about a potential partner.

“Basically, everyone approaches their first kiss with something akin to dread,” she said. “Anxiety, tension, embarrassment, a little bit of anticipation, and a lot of fear.”

In her research, Regan asked how people felt before, during, and after a first kiss with their partner. While respondents universally felt anxious before their first kiss, there were differences in how they felt during the kiss and after their lips had unlocked. Generally, men reported being happy about the experience, while women tended to be disappointed with the kissing.

“If you’re not the initiator, you’re more likely to be disappointed….”

“For a first kiss, it makes sense because men are still often the initiators,” Regan said. “If you’re not the initiator, you’re more likely to be disappointed and you’re more likely to not have wanted it or expected it.”

The good news is, when a relationship has been established and couples have gotten to know each other better, there is a more egalitarian approach to initiating kisses and other forms of intimate contact. Also, couples develop unique cues that signal when they want to kiss, which takes away the ambiguity experienced in the beginning.

“Couples do develop their own ways of indicating to each other that they’re interested in kissing or snuggling,” Regan said.

*This article contains affiliate links.

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