3 Mistakes to Avoid on International Kissing Day
These kissing faux pas will make your romance peter out when you pucker up
Today is International Kissing Day — a celebration of kissing that encourages us to revel in the joy of puckering up. However, you’re not going to enjoy kissing today, or any other day, if you make certain mistakes that turn off your partner and ruin the mood. If you don’t want to take the romance out of your kisses, avoid the following faux pas.
“You can make verbal communication really sexy when it comes to kissing.” — Pamela Regan
Tongue Mistreatment
We consider French kissing to be the most romantic kissing we can engage in, but in order for it to deliver on the intimacy it promises, we must do a delicate dance with our partner. Don’t open your mouth enough and your partner may end up licking your face. Open your mouth too much and you may get the tonsil massage you never wanted. But the absolute worst, says William Cane, author of The Art of Kissing: The Truth About What Men and Women Do, Think, and Feel* and Kiss Like a Star: Smooching Secrets from the Silver Screen, is when someone’s tongue is so curious that it feels like they’re digging for buried treasure in your throat and that exploration literally leaves you breathless.
“The number one thing that women complain about is that they can’t breathe, that their partner’s tongue goes too far down the back of their mouth and gags them so they’re gasping,” said Cane. “One women said, ‘Look, when I turn blue doesn’t he realize that I need air?’ That’s the mistake guys make.”
Means to an End
Although kissing can indeed be a prelude to sexual activity, it’s a mistake to always treat it as such. In fact, relationship therapist and sex researcher Sarah Hunter Murray, PhD, RMFT, author of Not Always In the Mood: The New Science of Men, Sex & Relationships, says we should also value kisses as intimacy in their own right and a way to connect with our partners.
“What we know from the research is that some of the most satisfied couples report being affectionate even after sex ends,” Murray said. “I think that the thing we want to be doing or encouraging is making out even after sexual activity has ended to keep kissing as a way of staying connected all the way through, versus just an appetizer.”
“One women said, ‘Look, when I turn blue doesn’t he realize that I need air?’” — William Cane
And why do we tend to treat kissing as an appetizer that we rush through to get a taste of the main course? According to Murray, it’s because of how people are usually introduced to different levels of intimate activity and exploration when they’re young.
“When most people talk about how they entered into partnered sexual activity, they will say they started by kissing and then maybe hand stimulation, oral sex, and then vaginal penetration or anal sex, depending on what’s on the menu,” she explained.
Nonverbal Non-Communication
As we get to know our partner, we begin to create a language that is specific to the relationship, so we’re better able to read their cues and know when they want a kiss. But before we get to that point, we may think we’re signaling our desires nonverbally, which can sometimes lead to misunderstandings.
“I think that the thing we want to be doing or encouraging is making out even after sexual activity has ended….” — Sarah Hunter Murray
“Kissing initiation requests are generally nonverbal and people may not pick up on those nonverbal cues,” said Pamela Regan, Ph.D., Professor of Psychology at Cal State Los Angeles and author of Close Relationships. “So I may want to kiss you, and I think that I’m leaning in and looking at you suggestively, but if you don’t pick up on that, then I’m kind of moving in without your consent.”
The solution to this problem is to be clear about what you want — verbally. Although this may sound clinical and unromantic, there are ways that you can express your desires and get kissing consent while still being seductive.
“You can make verbal communication really sexy when it comes to kissing,” Regan said. “You can lean in, and you can snuggle, and you can look deeply into someone’s eyes and say, ‘I would really like to kiss you.’ You can ask in a way that’s part of the turn on.”
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