The Consent of Choreographed Kissing

Kisses on the stage and screen aren’t as spontaneous as they look

When we see couples kissing in a movie, television show, or play, it can conjure up some inspiration — or even jealousy — because the kisses in our own relationships may never seem as intense or romantic or passionate as the ones we’re watching. However, according to Thalia R. Goldstein, Ph.D., Assistant Professor of Applied Developmental Psychology at George Mason University, it’s important to keep in mind that these spontaneous-looking romantic moments are carefully planned from beginning to end.

“Actors don’t just kind of grab each other and go at it; everybody has to be exactly on the same page for kissing,” Goldstein explained. “When a kiss is done for other people to watch, it’s a whole other level of consent, so everybody has to really be on board with exactly which hands are going where and where lips are going.”

Although it’s important to hash out these details to ensure that each actor consents to all the minute aspects of a choreographed kiss, they are also tasked with making it look natural and spontaneous to the audience — as if these behind-the-scenes discussions never took place.

“Actors don’t just kind of grab each other and go at it….”

“The real work of acting is taking something you’ve practiced 100 times and making it look totally spontaneous in the moment,” said Goldstein. “A really good actor makes it look like they’ve never said these words before, they’ve never done these actions before.”

As you can imagine, choreographing every detail of a romantic scene — such as where the hands and noses and tongues go during a kiss — can be awkward, especially considering the actors are most likely not in a relationship and may have never even met before the production. That’s why communication is key to making a kissing scene work.

It is also key in real life.

“It teaches you how close you can become to another person when you can lose that sense of holding back from the other person.”

It can be just as awkward for real-life couples to discuss what they like and don’t like when kissing, especially during the early stages of a relationship. But we can actually learn something from actors and the choreography they use to make kisses seem so romantic and natural.

“Actors have to learn pretty quickly to get over any sense of embarrassment or shame or awkwardness around talking about emotions, talking about bodies, talking about relationships,” said Goldstein. “I think in relationships when two people are talking about kissing or talking about their relationship, losing a sense of awkwardness, losing a sense of forbiddenness about the conversation is a key part of any relationship. It teaches you how close you can become to another person when you can lose that sense of holding back from the other person.”

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