How Negativity Affects Your Relationship
Why your bad attitude is not just about you
Sometimes we just have a bad attitude; sometimes, for whatever reason, we just feel negative. Although we may think that our negativity is just about how we feel and it ultimately doesn’t affect anyone else, that couldn’t be further from the truth — so it’s important to be mindful of the fact that our negativity can have a negative impact on our romantic relationships. In order to get an idea of just how our negative attitudes can do this, I interviewed marriage counselor and sex therapist Andrew Aaron, LICSW.
“It creeps in like a fog where the beginning of it cannot even be found.”
How would you define negativity in a romantic relationship?
This is not a large and dramatic bad habit. Instead it is subtle, insidious, and can easily spread everywhere. Negative words, attitudes, choices slowly erode a loving connection. It occurs with the speed of grass growing and before a couple has become aware, they start to notice that they are not as close as they once were.
Life is filled with adversity, and this past year with the pandemic has had more than most. Life is hard and loving is challenging. Being human comes with the regular experience of suffering. When we become negative and choose to express the difficulties with complaints and by being critical, judgmental and negative, we build walls of separation that push our partners away. The habit occurs without even being aware. It creeps in like a fog where the beginning of it cannot even be found.
What is the impact of this behavior?
Before long partners can fall into the associated habit of bickering, which is a symptom that the negativity has impacted both partners. It’s so easy to react to negativity in one partner with negativity in the other. Negativity really is internalized pain. The solution is an agreement that both will react to the other’s pain compassionately. That both will start to identify how their pain is felt, so that it may be shared in a more positive and constructive manner that avoids shutting down or pushing the other away.
“Negativity really is internalized pain.”
What can we do to correct the habit of negativity in our relationships?
Becoming more self-aware is a valuable part of the strategy to remain positive. Deliberate self-care which includes exercise, enough downtime, good sleep, healthy eating, and relaxed and fun time together all build a resiliency that helps to protect partners from falling into a pit of negativity. Also, regular problem-solving discussions protect the relationship from accumulation of pain. When problems are not solved, a buildup of pain between partners easily grows into a relationship of negativity.
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