5 Amazingly Simple Ways to Manipulate a Narcissist
It’s really all about your definition…
Her jaw hit the floor as her ex-husband said it. “He’s got the gift of manipulation,” speaking proudly of their 9-year-old son. Sarah* was horrified.
As she told me the story, I could hear her distress. I could hear her fear that it was true. And I could hear her concern that her son would turn out like his father.
This is the story of many of my clients.
For anyone who has been the victim of narcissistic abuse in particular, or manipulation in general, being manipulative is not a desirable quality. Yet for her narcissistic ex-husband, manipulation was the key to his success.
What does it mean to manipulate?
According to Oxford, there are two definitions:
- Handle or control, typically in a skillful manner
- Control or influence cleverly, unfairly, or unscrupulously
The second is most commonly used to describe people and their interpersonal dynamics. In a narcissistic relationship, this takes many forms — love bombing, future faking, punishments, false apologies, put-downs, smear campaigns, gaslighting, and more.
Simply put, the narcissist manipulates the victim into doing something they wouldn’t otherwise do.
Can you manipulate a narcissist?
Yes, you can, using the same tactics, but I wouldn’t recommend it. Abusing someone else, even someone who has hurt you will hurt you more; it will take you further from wholeness, happiness, and your dream life.
Why let a narcissist take those things from you?
Instead, consider the first definition: to handle or control in a skillful manner. It is entirely possible to handle a narcissist in a way that leads to a desirable end result for everyone, including the narcissist.
This doesn’t involve getting the narcissist to do something they wouldn’t want to do. Rather, it involves helping them self-regulate so that they make good decisions. It’s kind of like…
- Giving your toddler a five-minute warning before leaving home
- Deferring a conversation when the other person is tired or hangry
- Sandwiching constructive feedback between compliments
Five ways to “manipulate” a narcissist
#1 Give them a narcissistic supply
Narcissists require a narcissistic supply. They are unable to regulate their emotions and self-esteem on their own. When they run low on supply, they become emotionally dysregulated, their self-esteem falls, and they become erratic. They make very poor decisions.
Narcissists receive supply in one of two ways: ingratiation (praise, admiration, respect, attention, validation, or aggression (devaluing others). Allowing a narcissist to devalue you will cause more harm than good. Alternatively, you can offer them a more positive form of supply while remaining true to yourself.
Suppose you’re sitting in the lobby next to each other waiting for mediation…
- Thank you for coming. I appreciate it.
- You’re right.
- How was your trip?
Start the session with them fully regulated and you’ll likely find they are more cooperative.
#2 Reinforce their persona
Narcissists highly value their persona, the false self that they present to the world. Their persona may include qualities of being helpful, funny, an excellent conversationalist, a hard worker, or a great parent. You can find something positive to say without lying. For example,
- Johnny said you got called into work over the weekend. That had to be rough.
- Did you hear the time of the concert? I know it’s important to you.
- Remember when…(share a time they told a funny story in public)
#3 Agree with them
Narcissists are only partially listening to any conversation. They’re listening enough to know what they want to say next.
When you state you agree, even with a small piece of what they said, they receive a supply. And when you agree with the part that you want agreement on, you’re much more likely to get it.
Suppose you want your child to be able to participate in an amazing extracurricular opportunity and your narcissist co-parent says, “It’s an amazing opportunity, yeah, but it’s so expensive.”
When you respond…
- Oh my gosh! I hadn’t even thought of the opportunity part. Thank you! Now I understand why it’s worth the investment!
- You’re not kidding! It’s seriously expensive. Like you taught me, the best things in life are.
- I totally agree! It’s an amazing opportunity and worth the expense. Thanks!
…the conversation is more likely to end favorably.
#4 Make the best interest of everyone the narcissist’s obvious best choice
Narcissists can be wickedly smart, but they’re only partly paying attention to those around them. Most of their attention is on what’s in it for them.
Point out what’s in it for them.
- Hey, would it help you out if I pick up after school Friday? (When your child has a big project to bring home.)
- I’m happy to work with you to come to an agreement on our own. Save your money for your new house. (Rather than racking up legal fees.)
- You go on home. I’ll take care of it. (When you know they’re going to ruin your joint project.)
#5 Show indifference to undesirable behaviors
Narcissists want attention — positive or negative. When they see you as “all good” and you are indifferent, they change their behaviors. They want your attention.
Suppose the narcissist…
- Tells a bigoted joke, and you don’t laugh or respond,
- Share a photo of the two of you (hoover attempt) and you don’t respond,
- Parades their new significant other in front of you and it appears you don’t notice,
…they are more likely to eventually stop.
Final thoughts
Manipulating a narcissist isn’t about taking advantage, exacting revenge, or causing harm. It’s about skillfully guiding them to be in the best position to make a good decision — for everyone.
And perhaps most importantly, it allows you to be true to yourself, to remain in integrity, to continue the process of healing, which includes connecting deeply to your Soul.
You are worth it.
*Name changed for privacy
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact survivors break free from the longstanding aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free guide, Was Any Of It Real?, and find information about working with her on her website.