How Can You Get a Narcissist to Do What You Want?
The 4-step formula for success
This is a fascinating question with many factors.
For example,
- What is the nature of your relationship? Romantic, work colleague, family, friend?
- What type of narcissists are they?
- Are you together or has the relationship ended?
- What is it you want them to do?
I’m going to cut to the chase here.
- If you want to hurt them because they hurt you, it will backfire.
- If you want to learn to manipulate them so that you can stay in a relationship with them, it will backfire.
- If you want to turn them into the person you want them to be, it will backfire.
In all of these 3 instances, you will end up hurt and further from healed, even if you don’t see it right away.
If that’s where you’re at, don’t sweat it. Accept it. You’re at step 1 or 2 of the 5-step healing process.
Take a deep breath. There is no judgment. No one jumps to step 5. EVERY step is important.
Here’s what you need to do.
- Commit to learning as much as you can about narcissistic abuse.
- Commit to healing yourself BEFORE you focus on the narcissist. A therapist knowledgeable in narcissistic abuse may be very helpful.
- Commit to making the tough decisions — leaving the relationship, changing jobs, firing an employee, terminating a business partnership, going no contact with family.
If you don’t fit into one of the above three categories, the rest of this article is for you.
The four steps to getting a narcissist to do what you want…
#1 Examine your motives
We did a little bit of that above. If you skimmed that part, go back and read it. It’s important.
Moving on.
What is your primary motive for getting the narcissist to do something?
I say primary because we all experience duality.
Maybe half of you want to go out with friends Friday night and the other half want to go to bed early.
Maybe 80% of you want to eat healthily and lose 10 lbs, but 20% of you really want to binge on chips.
Maybe 95% of you want the narcissist to do something because it’s best for the kids, but 5% of you really want to stick it to them.
In this situation, your primary motive is great. You’re ready to move forward. (That 5% of you needs healing.)
To know you have a great primary motive, it must be best for ALL parties, including the narcissist.
For example, say you’re addressing the placement of your kids.
- You believe your primary placement of the children is best for the kids.
- You believe it’s best for you because the kids will experience psychological/emotional trauma/cognitive dissonance less often which means less acting out and fewer therapy appointments.
- You believe it’s best for the narcissist because it allows them to minimize the heavy lifting of parenting (homework, chores, talking back) and stay emotionally regulated, which improves their relationship with the kids.
This is a great primary motive.
#2 Consider the narcissist’s previous behavior patterns
Carefully consider what you know about how the narcissist operates.
Narcissists are motivated by two things
- Narcissistic supply
- Preserving their persona — their idealized, false self with its made-up reality
How does this narcissist prefer to get supply?
- Admiration and respect
- Validation
- Negative attention
- Power and control through devaluation
- Support of flying monkeys
What image do they show the world?
- Flashy, wealthy, and powerful
- Nice, not so bright, always the victim
- Savior from previous bad relationships
Are they more overt in their behavior?
- Do they have to look in charge or in control of every situation?
- Do they need something to be their idea before they do it?
- Do they only do things that directly benefit them? (This fits all narcissists. It just shows up differently for different types.)
Are they more covert or vulnerable in their behavior?
- Do they want to be the victim or the hero (or both!) in every situation?
- Do they have to look helpful and collaborative to their flying monkeys?
- Do they like to be “in the know?”
Understanding the narcissist’s motivations and behavior patterns informs your actions.
#3 Give the narcissist an abundant narcissistic supply
This sounds like manipulation. It’s not. In fact, when done correctly, it’s the opposite.
A narcissist requires a narcissistic supply. For them, it’s like water or air. They are unable to supply themselves.
They are also unable to regulate their own self-esteem. Their self-esteem is directly tied to their ability to regulate their emotions.
When their self-esteem is very low, they become emotionally dysregulated. Their actions are erratic and not in anyone’s best interests.
In the same way, you might tell your teenager to get a good night's sleep before the ACT so they’re at their best, you want to help regulate the narcissist’s self-esteem and their emotions so that they’re making decisions and acting from their best self.
Pay attention. This is important.
You do NOT compromise yourself in giving them a narcissistic supply. If the narcissist’s pattern of obtaining supply is devaluing you, you do NOT allow yourself to be devalued.
That will only set you further back in your healing journey.
Instead, you find another way of giving supply. Fortunately, they get it in a variety of ways, therefore you can give it in a variety of ways, based on your observations in #2.
- I want to get your input about… You always have a great way of seeing the big picture.
- You’ve got such an important job. I don’t know how you do it. Would it help if I watch the kids on the weeknights to deal with homework and get them up in the mornings?
- Can you help me out with…?
#4 Make what you want their obvious best choice
Show them why it’s best for them, without “showing” them.
Make them aware of the various factors without “teaching” them.
- Do you want Wednesday nights? Awesome. They’ll love having you take them to music lessons every week.
- Do you want these weekdays? That’s fantastic. I’ll actually get to work on time on those days because I won’t struggle with getting little Johnny out of bed and ready for school. You’re so much better at that anyway.
Final Thoughts
Motive is everything.
When what you want is best for all, when you want all involved parties to make decisions as their best version of themselves, then it’s possible for everyone to get what they want.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: Truly Unpacking Dr Jekkyl and Mr Hyde in Covert Narcissists and Do You Want to Finally Grasp the Secrets of Narcissistic Supply?