LGBTQAI+

Oh, Yes — That Little (Gay) Crush on Michael J Fox

In response to a Prism & Pen writing prompt

Did my crush on Michael J Fox help me feel more secure in my identity or hinder me? Both. Neither. I don’t know. It’s confusing, because I’m ‘an interesting situation.’

The P is Silent?

Alex P Keaton. The P didn’t stand for anything, it was a creation of the actor who played him — Michael J Fox, because the J doesn’t stand for anything. What completely useless trivia to know. Just like I know Michael’s birthday is June 9, 1961. Michael J Fox as Alex P Keaton was my first crush. Of course, I also crushed on Marty McFly, Scott Howard, and any character played by the love of my life who I was certain to marry. Imagine my shock when that pesky Tracey Pollan got her hands on him! Jokes aside though, are they not just the quintessential Hollywood couple perfection? Yes, I got over my heartbreak.

But this childhood crush that started before I was ten years old and endured until it was clear his marriage was going to last, raises some interesting questions. Or rather, James Finn’s writing prompt on Prism & Pen raised some questions!

In the post below, James asks:

… do you as a queer person have movie/TV crushes? Have they helped you discover or feel more secure in your identity? Have they hindered you?

Interesting questions indeed!

It’s All Interesting

I guess I’m in what I would call, ‘an interesting situation’. Hey, it’s nicer than calling it a deep seeded internalized transphobia masked by cis-heteronormative expectations with a side order of social anxiety and childhood trauma from the pressure of a covert narcissist parent. ‘An interesting situation’ is much easier to say, too. Somewhere in between those two extremes, is this: I am a trans-masc non-binary androsexual. If you need to work out what any of that means, please, Google away. Basically, it means I do not identify as the gender I was assumed at birth, I do not identify as either end of the gender binary, and I am attracted to the masculine spectrum.

So, here’s the ‘interesting situation’ in a nutshell (and physics tells me it will fit in said nutshell even if it may cause a collapse resulting in a black hole because that sounds about equivalent to the existential crisis a simple crush can cause — no pun intended): Yes, I had crushes. I had many crushes. I still have many crushes. In fact, I am crush central. If you have masculine energy and you haven’t proven yourself to be toxic, then I have a crush on you. Henry Cavill? That’s a crushin’. Timothee Chalemet? You better believe that’s a crushin’. Robert Sheehan? Don’t even get me started on the layers of crushin’ with that one. Got a crush on my trans-masc therapist? You better believe I do.

Michael J Fox was simply my FIRST crush. But James asks a great question — did this crush (and those that followed) help me feel more secure in my identity or hinder me? Both. Neither. I don’t know. It’s confusing, because I’m, ‘an interesting situation.’

I was taught that transsexuals were gay people who transition to become straight.

You see, my crushes, on boys and men (real and fictional), were ‘expected’. I was perfectly fitting the perceived heteronormative expectation. Problem was, I was taught that transsexuals (note: I didn’t hear the word transgender until much more recently), were gay people who transition to become straight. Yeah, I know that’s ridiculous. But little me, didn’t. And so, little me became big me, who couldn’t possibly be trans, because they were ‘straight’. Man! What a mess.

Before my Egg Cracked: I’ll admit it, I believed trans equaled straight. I was very uninformed. And in that lack of understanding, my trans-egg lay dormant, waiting. Damn it!

I’ve actually posted about crushes here on Prism & Pen before. In Trans Love Scandal: Crush vs Gender Envy, I touched on the very confusion that my crushes elicited because now I understand that every crush, was queer. And most were gender envy (AND crushes — it’s a thing). I just didn’t know it.

We live in a Trans-Crush-Topia, or something. I clearly haven’t decided on what I want to call this trans-crush-fest, but the point is that crushes can hit differently when you are trans. Crushes can be light and fun, when they aren’t taken too seriously. A crush is a crush, unless it’s gender envy. Do I want to be with him, or do I want to be him is an interesting question. Of course, the answer can be both. And how cool is that?

Back to the Question

Turns out, my sexuality was on target, it was my gender that was confused.

So, did my Alex P Keaton crush help or hinder my self-identification? I’ve often wondered if I would have worked out my gender earlier if I’d identified as gay. As a side note, the word lesbian always bothered me. I thought it was some kind of internalized homophobia since I always felt gay, but thought I wasn’t. Turns out, my sexuality was on target, it was my gender that was confused.

But as a kid, all I knew was that I had a crush. I didn’t really think, ‘Oh, this is a straight crush,’ and I think that’s the point. It was just a crush. In the long run, it did help me clarify my self-identification because now I can say, Alex P Keaton was my first gay crush.

Thanks Alex. And Michael!

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This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, My Queer Movie Crush, Then and Now.

Prompt stories so far —