Everything I Have Learned From Drooling Over Gillian Anderson
My queer movie crush, then and now
Oh, my sweet Gillian. Where do I even begin?
I must confess that, even though the first time I ever heard of her was during her X-Files days, I wasn’t a fan of the show. Yeah, I watched a few episodes because I felt the need to keep up with the culturescape, but I was never a devotee.
However, she would show her gorgeous face and unparalleled acting talent here and there. Mmm, did I already tell you I think she is super sexy and intelligent and a mistress of her craft?
Oh, yes, even though my first crush ever was a smart white dude, I always kept the memory of her in the back of my mind, which made me feel weird. After all, I was a straight woman! How dared I have steamy thoughts about her?
GB finds out she is queer.
Coming to terms with my queerness wasn’t a quick process. There wasn’t a sudden moment when I dropped my coffee mug while muttering to myself, “Oh, my god, I’m bi.”
Instead, it took a lifetime. My lifetime.
It required reading other queer people’s stories, so I could learn what it feels like when you finally have the words to explain who you are.
Funnily enough, one of Gillian’s most recent roles is as a sex therapist in the hit Netflix show Sex Education. From the moment I started watching, it struck me as a clever way to show, without judgment, how the full expression of our sexuality is a powerful tool to get to know our soul.
Jean Milburn, Gillian’s character, does her best in trying to raise her son, all the while dealing with her own chaotic life. However, unsurprisingly, she always does a fantastic job at giving advice to everybody else.
Watching Jean compassionately talk to her clients, sometimes I cannot help but wonder, “What if I had received that kind of understanding back when I was figuring out what my life was about?”
All of this is, of course, just wishful thinking.
But she does make me wonder.
Now, here’s a confession, dear reader. None of my IRL people know I’m bisexual. Not a single one of them. You, a random person on the internet, know more about me than most of my “friends.”
The reason is very simple: Even though the laws in my country have changed a lot, the prevailing atmosphere is still one of intolerance.
I don’t know if I’ll ever feel safe enough to come out, and even if I do, it wouldn’t be a dramatic announcement in which I call the media and read a prepared statement. Who the heck am I? However, it would be nice not having to make sure all of the “controversial” parts of me are covered up all the time.
In fact, when I think of Gillian, I find that her most attractive feature is that she seems like a person who leads her life in wholeness.
I know I’m projecting stuff onto her, but that’s okay. I just think it’s neat that I can look at her and say, “When I grow up, I want to be like her.”
Ahem…being with her for a little while would also be nice ;)
This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, My Queer Movie Crush, Then and Now.