Longings for the Unreachable: a Brief Bisexual Genderfluid Crush Compendium
A response to a Prism & Pen writing prompt on queer crushes
Crush — “To experience an intense and usually passing infatuation.” — Merriam-Webster dictionary
I recognized all my early “crushes” only in retrospect—because I didn’t know what those feelings were at the time.
There were girls and there were boys—and it has remained thus. • Hayley Mills •
I grew up on the Lower East Side of Manhattan in the 1950s. We didn’t get a television until I was around 10.
And going out to movies was a rare thing.
Other than the religious stuff like the Ten Commandments, Miracle of Marcelino, and The Song of Bernadette—all of which my St. George Ukrainian Catholic school showed or recommended—I recall very few from back then.
Moses (Charleton Heston) was most assuredly not a crush!
Zotz comes to mind (maybe because the theater gave out plastic replicas of the film’s magic coin), and The Sword & The Dragon (a wonderful Russian fantasy film, complete with a wind-demon and a fire-breathing dragon). But there was also Pollyanna and The Parent Trap, both of which starred Hayley Mills—who fascinated me.
I was captivated—especially when I eventually saw her in her first acting role—the 1959 film Tiger Bay—where she played a trouble-seeking tomboy.
John Lennon
I was 12 when the Beatles first appeared on Ed Sullivan in 1964. Their music was pure magic—and would be the main soundtrack for the next six years of my life.
And then there was John.
I had no real understanding of what the subtitle that was superimposed on the screen even meant — “SORRY GIRLS, HE’S MARRIED”. It didn’t matter—I understood on some level what the girls in the audience were screaming about.
My attraction to the man—and his work—continued as he kept evolving as an artist for all his remaining days.
Rita Pavone
Later the same year this Italian singer caught me with her look and energy.
There were lesser ones, but most have faded away in my memory. I do recall hoping that whenever the Ozzie & Harriet show was on, that it would be one of the episodes that had Ricky Nelson singing at the end.
What is this thing—a crush— anyway?
It can have a particular pull. A look, a move, a personality—some blend of ingredients that equal charisma.
I have crushes on writers I have never seen, composers of music who died centuries ago.
Through the Adult Queer Gaze
Are they still “crushes”—these adult attractions to humans projected on screens?
John Cassavettes, David Strathairn, Mark Bolan, Javier Bardem . . .
Penelope Cruz, Sofia Loren, Frances McDormand, Anna Magnani, Marlene Dietrich . . .
Some are not on a screen, but real and alive right in front of you.
Mick Jagger—who I saw many times live in concert . . . (I have a fond memory of my mother watching on television and saying that he “could leave his shoes under her bed anytime.”)
And oh those Jewish boys, Leonard Cohen and Bob Dylan.
And Patti Smith—who I would go see in performance, over and over and over again.
I can even have a crush on a voice. Especially when it is The Voice.
And occasionally it can just be a particular character that an actor plays in a film.
For me it was Maria Schneider in her role as “The Girl” in Michelangelo Antonioni’s brilliant fil “The Passenger”.
Crushes. We scatter our sighs and emotions. And swoons. We see something in them. Something so special. Extraordinary. Enchanting. Others see it too—but not everybody. (There were even those who preferred Paul McCartney.)
We can share a crush with a friend, but somehow they are ours. Our dreamboats! And yet, they’ll never know.
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© AleXander Hirka 2022. All Rights Reserved.
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This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, My Queer Movie Crush, Then and Now.