Coming Out Via The Method Of Queer TV Crushes
Before I could use accurate language, I could communicate by crush
Like most people, I’ve had many TV and movie crushes over the years, with every single one of them being a woman. I don’t remember the name of my very first TV crush or the show that she was on, only that I was around six years old and, to paraphrase Marge Simpson, I just thought she was neat. All I wanted in the whole world was to meet this woman. I remember she wore a lot of suits and was very confident, I wanted to grow up to be her but also fancied her, without knowing what that meant. By and large, my tastes haven’t really changed!
The next significant ones that I remember are Eliza Dushku as Faith in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, and Alyssa Milano in Charmed. I had posters and pictures of them both all over my bedroom as a young teenager, even before I was out and before I was honest about why. This meant I also felt the need to balance it out, so I also had posters of David Boreanaz as Angel on my walls. I didn’t particularly want those ones, but what’s a little gay to do?
When I did feel ready to come out to one or two friends, I wasn’t comfortable using big, scary, grown-up words like gay and lesbian, so instead I used my crushes. Rather than telling a friend that I thought I might be gay, I told him that I had a crush on Faith. This lead to as much shock and awe as if I had actually said I’m a lesbian but it felt easier for me to do. I didn’t have to commit to any specific identity, which felt like a safer move while I didn’t know how people would react. Rather than claiming a whole orientation, I could simply claim one or two crushes. It said plenty about me, but left enough plausible deniability too. Similarly to when I came out to my Mum by saying ‘I like girls’, I used my queer TV crushes to communicate this important information about myself to other people.
Nowadays I live out and proud and tend to use the word ‘gay’ to describe myself. However, if I didn’t feel comfortable with that, I’d still have plenty of creative possibilities. If for some reason you’re uncomfortable using an identity label when speaking to others, I can recommend communicating this way instead.
When I say my tastes haven’t changed a lot, I’m not kidding. I’m still into Faith when I watch Buffy, I would hand my soul to Wynonna Earp of, well, Wynonna Earp, or Theo from The Haunting of Hill House if they asked me to.
I also think it’s fun when getting to know someone, to ask who their first celebrity crush was. Depending on your ages, it might be that you have one in common, giving a nice common ground. It also tells you a lot about them, and what they admired about others, who they looked up to. It’s a fun ice breaker as long as you’re in a safe space.
This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, My Queer Movie Crush, Then and Now.