Trans Love Scandal: Crush vs Gender Envy
Do I want to be with you, or do I want to be you
How many gay crushes does it take to screw in a trans lightbulb?
All of them, apparently.
Are you a crushing machine? Do you see someone within your range of attraction and instantly fall in crush for them? Does it not matter if they are real, or a cartoon? Welcome to Trans-Crush-Land where the confusion between attraction and gender envy is a perpetual roller coaster — feel free to scream.
Is it a Crush?
I didn’t know the trans-epic-multi-crush-verse was a thing; just add it to the ever-growing list of hindsight signs that could have (should have) tipped me off to my transness many years ago. But alas, I just thought the fact that I crushed on pretty much every perceived ‘man’ (with a strong preference for the queer, nerd, and twink vibes) was indicative of my preference for a mate who was not a misogynistic gym junkie dripping of toxic masculinity.
Past me was so cute.
Or is it Gender Envy?
If I have a crush on you, calm down, don’t get too excited. Sorry to tell you, but you’re not all that special. I kind of have a crush on, well, most masc-identifying… yep, that’s about it! Most masc-identifying. Not quite so much the cishets but as far as I believe, Henry Cavill is in that category, so I can’t say no cishets. The fact is, I pretty much have a crush on most bi, pan, gay, asexual, queer, possibly queer, etc, masc-identifying and non-binary masc-leaning people. So it makes me wonder, are my crushes sexual attraction, romantic attraction, gender envy, or something entirely different?
I pretty much have a crush on most bi, pan, gay, asexual, queer, possibly queer, etc, masc-identifying and non-binary masc-leaning people.
The easy answer would be that I have so many damn crushes (and let’s face it, we’re not only talking about real people here — I mean, have you seen Hiccup?) that it kind of rules out sexual attraction. Because how can I be sexually attracted to a cartoon? Like, if I think about Hiccup, I don’t want to bang him, that’s too weird, but if he suddenly stepped out of the screen, I would absolutely not refuse to snuggle. So, it could be a romantic attraction, but at the same time, again… two-dimensional artwork. Though it pains me to call my gorgeous Hiccup, two dimensional!
Crushing on Hiccup
But it’s an un-real attraction and desire. The Hiccup attraction, I have to place solidly in the realm of gender envy; it makes sense. I mean, look at his little animated non-binary butt! Sure, from everything we are shown, it would seem that Hiccup identifies as a cishet man, but no one ever asks — do they? He could be trans, or queer, or both — and I choose to believe he is non-binary in the very least. Even if he is cishet, he’s on the cusp enough that I’m still crushing on him, big time. Speaking of which, doesn’t Henry Cavill seem like he could be ‘on the cusp of something’? That could explain my extreme nerd-boy crush.
Look at Hiccup’s little animated non-binary butt!
Crushing on Prince Adam and Battle-Cat
Let’s explore one of my childhood attraction oddities. He-man. And no, I don’t mean He-Man, in his BDSM harness, spray tan, and stripped down to his loincloth that looks like it’s been chewed off way too many times, but rather, his twink-ish alter ego, Prince Adam, in his soft pink and purple pastels and his butt hugging TikTok leggings. I didn’t have much of a thing for He-Man, but Prince Adam? Now, that was one I would turn cartoon for; and let’s face it, how queer was Prince Adam (be it gender or sexuality)?
And then there was Cringer/Battle Cat. I had a weird crush of sorts on Battle Cat. Yeah, you heard. And I’m not the only one. I was relieved to hear the confession of a gay man that he too had a crush on Battle Cat. Phew. Now, of course, we definitely aren’t defining that one as sexual or romantic attraction, so, gender envy? I think so. I hope so. In this case, that’s the least weird option.
I Have Crushes on Real People Too
My first real-life crush, as in someone who wasn’t a cartoon or on television, was a guy at my school who was in the grade above me. I was thirteen and he was the ‘older man’. I had a huge crush on him, Brett, from the moment we met in the final week of school, through to the end of year eleven. Over that four years, we had times where we kind of became somewhat friends. When I was in year eleven, during his final year at school, I became quite good friends with his best friend, Luke, and the three of us would often spend our lunch hour together. I look back now and realize they were both very likely dripping in queer — they were certainly the most representative of queerness in my little redneck school in the early '90s. No wonder I was so easily drawn to them. Brett was my first real crush. From there, it was a long line of crushes on gay men.
I look back now and realize they were both very likely dripping in queer.
#NotAllCrushes
It would be remiss of me not to mention here that ALL the crushes is not necessarily an inherently trans thing, like as in, not all people are trans, but all trans are people. I went searching on Medium for backup, and yet again, there is a major lack of stories to validate my experience — hence why I’m writing my own. But I did find a backup for 2D crushes, so thank you Stephanie Georgopulos for validating that part.
An Open Letter to All my Crushes
The point of this article is that I have had (and still have) a lot of crushes — I’ve barely touched on the list; maybe I’ll do that article too! I don’t think that many of these crushes have been sexual attractions. Some of them, like Brett and the plethora of gay men that have wandered through my life, may have been romantic attraction with a hint of sexual attraction, but for the most part, I think it’s pretty safe to safe that my crushes are solidly embedded gender envy. They always have been, I just didn’t know it.
If I have a crush on you, calm down, don’t get too excited.
So, if I have a crush on you, sorry. You’re in ample company. Truth is, I probably don’t want to bang you. At best, I may want to snuggle. But really, I’m most likely just looking at you thinking, “Oh, look at that sexy Adam’s Apple. I want that (on me).” And that’s something for another therapy session, which is awkward because I have a crush on my gender therapist. But of course! After all, he does identify as masculine non-binary. What’s not to crush on?
“Oh, look at that sexy Adam’s Apple. I want that (on me).”
We live in a Trans-Crush-Topia, or something. I clearly haven’t decided on what I want to call this trans-crush-fest, but the point is that crushes can hit differently when you are trans. Crushes can be light and fun, when they aren’t taken too seriously. A crush is a crush, unless it’s gender envy. Do I want to be with him, or do I want to be him is an interesting question. Of course, the answer can be both. And how cool is that?
When is a crush, not a crush?
When you are trans.