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Summary

The author reflects on their personal journey of self-discovery, transitioning from being perceived as a cishet woman to embracing their identity as a trans-masc non-binary and uranic individual, questioning the chronology of their genderqueerness and queer attraction.

Abstract

The article delves into the author's experience of coming to terms with their trans-masc non-binary identity and uranic sexuality later in life, specifically in their 40s. Initially perceived as a cisgender heterosexual woman, the author describes a pivotal moment of realization where they acknowledged their genderqueerness, which simultaneously led to a reevaluation of their attraction, moving away from heteronormative standards. The author discusses the interplay between gender identity and attraction, revealing that their understanding of their own sexuality expanded to include terms like uranic and androsexual, reflecting an attraction to male energy and identity. Despite considering themselves gay due to their attraction to male/male dynamics, the author rejects the label of lesbian due to a lack of attraction to femininity. The article concludes with the author's belief that both their trans and queer identities were always present but suppressed due to societal norms, and they express pride in their identity.

Opinions

  • The author identifies as trans-masc non-binary and uranic, emphasizing the complexity and spectrum of gender and sexuality.
  • They acknowledge their trans identity almost simultaneously with their queer attraction, suggesting that the two are deeply intertwined.
  • The author challenges binary definitions of sexuality, noting that their attraction extends beyond traditional gender binaries.
  • They recall a friend's comment that they might be a gay man trapped in a woman's body, which resonated with them and played a role in their self-identification.
  • The author reflects on the societal pressure to conform to heteronormative standards and the subsequent repression of their true identity.
  • They encourage readers who identify as both trans and queer to consider which aspect of their identity they became aware of first.
  • The article suggests that language and understanding are crucial in the process of self-discovery and acceptance.
  • The author promotes their Medium profile and encourages readers to support writers by subscribing to Medium.

TRANSGENDER

What Came First — The Trans or the Queer?

From cishet to queer trans in a flash

Image adapted by author from image by slaytina on Pexels

Vanilla to rainbow

For most of my life, I was perceived as a cishet woman, and now I am so totally queerly trans! I am trans-masc non-binary and uranic and I have to wonder, what came first? The genderqueer or the queer attraction? I still don’t have a straightforward (pun totally intended) answer to that. I know which one I acknowledged and accepted first, but I don’t know that I can ever know which one showed itself first because I wasn’t aware I was trans or queer until well into my 40's.

Oh, hello genderqueerness

So, let’s start with what I embraced first. I definitely acknowledged my trans identity before the queer, but it won by barely a moment. It all happened quite quickly and it was in the moment of realization and acceptance that I was genderqueer (the first label I signed myself) that my identity of attraction, basically fell apart. Suddenly, I was just a big ball of all-the-queer, because in being genderqueer, my attraction was no longer binary in its structure and was absolutely ‘other’ than heteronormative.

…in being genderqueer, my attraction was no longer binary in its structure…

My understanding and awareness of the interplay of gender and attraction identity have expanded greatly in my questioning and exploration of self. I know now that my sexuality can be defined as uranic (my preferred label) or androsexual because I am attracted to the male energy; the male identity and representation. I could technically define myself as bisexual in that I am attracted to more than one gender: male and masc non-binary spectrum.

Male for male

Though I am non-binary, I’m masc leaning in my own identity. Male/Male attraction is often defined as gay. I mean, let’s face it, sexuality is a whole spectrum in itself, but I do like the term, gay, for me. This is where this whole question becomes really quite interesting in my experience.

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch from Pexels

I always thought that I was gay, but never aligned with ‘lesbian’, nor did I experience attraction to the feminine. I was always attracted to the male identity and/or energy. I wondered at times if perhaps I was a lesbian (though I hated the term just as I hated most feminized terminology) because I felt like I was gay, but that attraction to women was never there and so, I ruled out that possibility time after time.

I even had a gay friend once tell me that I was a gay man trapped in a woman’s body. Hilarious, looking back. In fact, that’s literally the line I used when I came out to him.

Me: Rememeber how you used to say I was a gay man trapped in a woman’s body?

Him: Yes

Me: Well, you may not be wrong.

To which, of course, he cracked up laughing and claimed confidently, “I knew it!”

Back to the question

What DID come first then? I wasn’t aware I was either (trans or queer) but they were clearly both there, tapping at my brain, trying to get my attention. I was existing in the space of not having the language or understanding, not having the awareness of what transgender meant, and therefore not being aware of my own gender identity level or my sexual attraction identity.

So, what came first, the trans or the queer? I feel I was born with both. I think I was just born and they were always inherently there and I was taught that they were bad things. I learned I needed to protect myself from judgment and ridicule (because I was bad things!), so I hid them — even from myself. I nailed that for a very long time. Until I couldn’t hide anymore. Until I dug enough into myself to start that first crack of my egg.

I’m proud to be queerly trans!

How about you? If you are trans and… not straight, what came first? The trans or the queer?

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