All My Mind’s A Circle
Help breaking out of thought rumination or anxiety loops
What is rumination?
Rumination describes repetitive thinking, or dwelling on negative feelings and distress and their causes and consequences.
In other words, we often ruminate when we’re feeling distress due to anger, hurt feelings, anxiety, etc. We end up going over the situation in our minds, over and over again, seemingly unable to stop fixating on the feelings and their cause.
This happens most often for me with feelings of injustice. If I, or someone I care about, have been treated unfairly, I have a hard time letting go.
Story time
When I was fresh out of College, working my first full-time job as a newly-minted Youth Worker, I had a terrible landlord. There were numerous repairs needing to be done around the house, which of course he never did.
One day, I had to stay home from work because I was quite sick. I took some cold medicine and fell asleep on my couch, only to be woken up to my landlord trying to enter my apartment with his key! He hadn’t called ahead, he hadn’t booked an appointment to come in, nor given notice that he needed access to the apartment.
He had a contractor with him to come and finally complete one of the necessary repairs, but I wasn’t about to let two strange men into my apartment while I’m in my pyjamas and drowsy on cold medicine.
After a series of issues, I ended up taking this landlord to the provincial tenancy board. We had to have a hearing where I described to a mediator all the issues and presented evidence for my claims.
I won the case and things ended well, as my then-boyfriend and I moved in together. We were engaged shortly thereafter, and have now been married for 15 years (wow, we’re old!).
It took a few months from start to finish for a full resolution, but looking back, it wasn’t as big of a deal I made it out to be. Between submitting the paperwork, attending the hearing, and waiting for the mediator’s decision it probably took up a couple of days of my time.
However.
You know the popular phrase “this is living rent-free in my head”? That landlord and our dispute took up nearly all of my mental energy for those few months.
While I was absolutely entitled to my feelings, and it is reasonable to be stressed out by poor living conditions and conflict, I significantly exacerbated my own suffering through the whole ordeal by thinking about it almost non-stop.
It’s easy to say “just take the necessary steps, then set it aside, there’s nothing more that can be done”, but knowing something intellectually and acting on it are two very different things.
That was about 17 years ago, and I’ve learned a hell of a lot since then — about myself, about self-care, and about life in general. I’ll share with you what I’ve found (and what evidence suggests) can help interrupt the unhealthy cycle of rumination.
Identify the source of your rumination
Sometimes we feel angsty or irritable and aren’t even sure why. There may be an unresolved issue that is stressing us out and we haven’t even realized it’s bothering us as much as it is.
Ever had a problem resolved, then felt such immense and unexpected relief, you said to yourself “wow, I didn’t even realize it was bothering me so much!”? Yeah, those ones.
Do you have a looming deadline you aren’t prepared for? An unresolved conflict with someone you care about? Financial stressors? Whatever it may be, we can’t deal with a problem that we haven’t fully acknowledged.
Allow yourself to feel the emotions
Acknowledge, validate, and make space for your feelings. Avoiding uncomfortable emotions can cause us to get stuck in our heads, intellectually trying to sort out the situation.
Sometimes we need to validate ourselves and allow ourselves to experience the emotions first, then we can begin to process them.
Note: *If you have trouble naming your feelings, don’t worry about putting a specific label on it.
It may help to describe the physical sensations or internal processes you are experiencing, rather than naming a feeling. Please do whatever works best for you.
Processing time
Some neurodivergent folks — especially those of us who struggle with naming or describing our emotions and internal experiences — need more time to process than others.
That’s okay.
There’s no time limit or rule which says we must process our feelings within a certain timeframe. There’s no single right way to experience and process our emotions.
We may experience our emotions as quite intense, and feelings may seem to hang on longer for us (neurodivergent folks) than they do for most others… but they will fade over time.
Sometimes we just need to focus on comforting ourselves, rather than trying to change the situation or change how we feel in the present.
Justice sensitivity
As I mentioned at the outset, a lot times the intensity and subsequent rumination came from having a very strong sense of right and wrong. If I felt I had been treated unjustly, or someone was “getting away” with doing something wrong, this would definitely crank my feelings up to eleven.
A significant part of this is because we are often (generally speaking) highly perceptive, especially when it comes to noticing patterns. We recognize that we are treated unfairly, and the world is biased towards the neurotypical majority (read: ableist).
I feel like those are pretty valid reasons to be pissed off.
Determine what you can control
Reviewing events repeatedly or entertaining a negative thought about a situation could be your mind’s way of exerting some control over the scenario.
Differentiating between that which you can control and that which you cannot may help alleviate some of the anxious or unhelpful perseveration.
I don’t particularly like most of those “what I can control versus what I can’t control” sheets (you know, the ones with the circles). A lot of those posters have a whiff of toxic positivity to them. For example, in the what I can control section, they often list “my attitude”.
We can control our attitude and reaction to a certain extent, but not entirely. For one thing, we cannot control our automatic reflexes and nervous system responses, nor can we control traumatic events we may have experienced in the past which influence our reactions in the present.
Some people experience their emotions very intensely, and it takes significant effort to work through them in a helpful way. This requires skills—emotional regulation is a skill that is taught, it is not something we are born knowing.
Telling someone their completely valid hurt feelings or anger are due to their attitude or perception is dismissive of their experience. Yet what we tell ourselves about an event can indeed impact the intensity of our emotions.
Ground yourself in the present moment
Time to get out of your head and into your body
Engage one of your five senses (smell, sight, taste, sound, touch); those from which you tend to derive pleasant feelings.
Some examples:
- Splash cold water on your face or drink ice cold water.
- Suck on a strong-tasting candy, or chew gum with a strong flavour.
- Listen to music that lifts your mood.
- Look at beautiful artwork, or go outside and enjoy nature.
- Smell a pleasant scent. Use scented bubble bath or lotion, light a scented candle, use a diffuser, or go outside and smell some flowers.
- Wrap yourself in a cozy blanket or sweater, cuddle your dog or partner, use a sensory tool, or take a hot bath.
- Go for a walk or sit outside in the fresh air.
Stim!
- Our bodies seek repetitive motion when we’re feeling intense emotions for good reason: they help us regulate.
- So go ahead and stim!
- Tap, rock, flap, pace, spin, sway, jump, wiggle, or use a fidget or sensory tool. Do whatever feels good and is safe for you.
Take (time limited) action
- Under the aspects of the situation which you can control, if there are actionable steps you can take, give yourself a specified amount of time to complete them, then take a break.
- Brainstorm specific parts of the problem and potential solutions. Write a letter, email, or journal entry outlining your thoughts and feelings — but don’t send anything yet!
- The email or letter are a tool to help you process and organize your thoughts, and may be a way to get some of them out of your head and onto the paper.
- If you wrote an email to someone, send it to yourself or save it in your drafts, then revisit it after 24 hours when your emotions have settled and you are thinking more clearly.
- Once the allotted time has passed, set it aside for now, and move on to something else.
Distract yourself
If you’re still struggling to mentally set the issue or thoughts aside, try distracting yourself with something light and engaging.
Some examples:
- A video game you really enjoy
- A crossword or other puzzle (i.e. Sudoku)
- An easy-reading, entertaining book, graphic novel, or comic
- Listen to or watch a comedy show or watch a funny TV show
- Colour in an adult colouring book, doodle, paint
- Whatever you enjoy that is relaxing but engages your brain
Call in reinforcements
If this just ain’t cutting it, reach out to a trusted friend, partner, or family member to help get your mind off things.
It’s important not to “pile on” the intensity of your emotions by beating yourself up if you are stuck in a rumination loop. Everyone’s nervous system works differently, and some of us are more sensitive than others.
Also some of us have endured a lot more adversity, injustice, trauma, etc. and are sensitized to these experiences.
Whatever the reason, telling ourselves to just “let it go” never seems to pan out. It didn’t work well for Elsa, and it likely won’t for us either. If our brains took orders from us, there would be a lot less psychological distress in the world.
Try to give yourself some grace, engage in self-care, and you’ll likely find it’s much easier to reason with yourself once you’re regulated.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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References
American Psychiatric Association. (2020, March 5). Rumination: A Cycle of Negative Thinking. Psychiatry.org.