Perspective
A Shout Out To High Maintenance Friends
Because valuing low-maintenance friends above others is ableist B.S.
A shout out to “low maintenance” friends?
This article was originally sparked by a title I saw in my recommended reads here on Medium. Someone was giving a shout-out to their low-maintenance friends (which wasn’t even an original title by the way, it’s a meme that’s circulated for years).
I don’t remember the content of the story, or if I even bothered to read past the headline, but I wonder what that person is doing now and whether they regret their position. Life always throws us a curveball, and while some people certainly encounter more than others, everyone will experience some difficulties at some point.
When that writer runs into trouble and needs to turn to their friends for support, will they regret idolizing being “low maintenance”?
Having read the text in the meme, I understand it’s more of a nod to those friendships that are so strong, they don’t need constant upkeep. You can go long periods without connecting, but when you get together again you pick up exactly where you left off, and it feels as though no time has passed. I get that.
However, idealizing being low maintenance is ableist and an unrealistic expectation long-term. Everyone needs help sometimes and that shouldn’t be seen as a weakness, or being less of a friend.
People with disabilities, mental and physical health struggles, and other life challenges which may lead them to require more support than others shouldn’t be characterized as any less valuable to their friends, families, or communities than anyone else.
Not a fair-weather friend
I’ll be honest, I don’t have a huge number of friends. I am Autistic, ADHD, and introverted. At almost 40 years old, I choose my friends carefully, and am picky about with whom I spend my time.
The friends I do have, I love for who they are, no matter what.
My friends didn’t choose most of what makes them either high, low, or even medium-maintenance. Whether that be disability, trauma, neurodivergence, poverty, mental illness, or none of the above.
A lot of the factors that make a person so-called high-maintenance are outside of their control in the first place.
I may not have hundreds of friends, but to those I consider true friends, I am fiercely loyal. I am not a fair weather friend and will not turn my back on, or devalue, a friend in need simply because they’ve become “high maintenance”.
I would never want a friend to feel they need to mask or hide their struggles in order to not seem too “needy”. I hope I convey I am here for them when they need me and they don’t need to pretend to have their shit together all the time because I sure as hell don’t.
Our maintenance level changes hourly
One of my trauma responses is extreme independence. From an unreasonably young age, I learned I couldn’t count on the people in my life to keep me safe and take care of me, I had to do it myself.
As an adult, I have a very hard time leaning on others, or even admitting to others when I’m struggling. As a result, I probably seem like a “low maintenance” friend most of the time.
That said, I’m Autistic with ADHD, anxiety, and c-PTSD. I also have a son who is possibly Autistic and definitely has ADHD and anxiety. He’s doing amazingly well now, but I’m sure there have been plenty of times when I was a high-maintenance friend — especially when I was adjusting first to his, then my own, diagnoses and support needs.
We’ve been through some shit, and I have one very close friend who understood what I was going through, and was there for me whenever I needed her. She’s also had some rough times and I hope that I was as supportive and helpful to her as she was to me.
Absence makes the heart grow…
Something-something.
Sure, sometimes life gets busy and we may not talk to the people in our lives as often as we normally do.
That said, those people who ghost you, or don’t bother connecting for a long time, but then contact you when they need or want something… those are the truly “high-maintenance” people.
To be honest, they probably aren’t really friends if they only want to spend time with you when you’re at your best.
So, cheers to my high- and medium-maintenance friends! I see you, I am here for you, and you are deserving of friends who will stick by through thick and through thin.
Because valuing low-maintenance friends above others is some toxic-positivity, ableist bullshit.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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