What Have You Done For You Lately?
Self Care Makes Us Better Parents, Partners, And Professionals
Self care makes us netter parents, and partners: It’s not just a tired old cliché — okay, it is, but it’s still true
But you know what else? We deserve it for ourselves too, not just for who we can be for others.
I promise I won’t recommend yoga
There’s nothing wrong with yoga, meditation, mindfulness, or any of those general “self-care” activities people tend to recommend, but you won’t find those here. You can find suggestions like those on just about any pop psychology website, and if you had the time or energy to do them, you wouldn’t be reading this one.
I’ve written previously about the little ways we can engage in self-care throughout our days without needing to schedule a massage or book a vacation. Massages and vacations are great if you have the time and money, but most of us can’t go on holiday every time we feel a little burnt out or run down.
In fact, those aren’t even necessarily the healthiest ways to deal with stress either. If you push yourself until you’re nearing collapse, then take a week off to relax and re-energize, only to come back and do the exact same thing, you’re engaging in the emotional equivalent to yo-yo dieting. Bouncing back and forth from one extreme to the other isn’t effective in the long-term either.
We neurodivergents are often good at that — we tend to be very black-and-white thinkers and like to go all-in on things. Sometimes these ways of thinking and doing are beneficial, but sometimes they are to our detriment.
We’re human
We all have limited energy and resources. When we’ve had a stressful day at work, we’re not feeling well, or had a fight with our spouse, we’ll have less patience with our loved ones.
Unless Spiderman has a ring of truth to it, we probably can’t become superhuman — that’s just a reality of life (well, outside of the Marvelverse, anyway).
I used to think I had to push through fatigue, that I should magically become someone who was more tolerant, slower to anger, and didn’t become frustrated so easily. I thought I should just decide to be more patient and it would happen overnight by virtue of believing it should.
That’s just not who I am — at least it wasn’t… until I realized that I was coming at the problem from the wrong end. I was trying to put toothpaste back into the tube, instead of preventing it from being over-squeezed in the first place.
I guess in this metaphor I’m the toothpaste tube, and my emotional resources are toothpaste?
Minty.
Change requires… other change
I can’t just will myself to become a more patient person, other things have to change to allow for this. First, I have to accept that I’m never going to be super easy-going and unflappable. I have a sensitive nervous system that’s the reality of who I am.
That does not mean, however, that I just throw up my hands and say “welp, guess that’s it then. I’m just temperamental, deal with it!”
I can develop skills and strategies for gradually increasing my frustration tolerance, and engage in self-care so that my baseline stress levels are lower to begin with.
How do we do that?
Obviously what works will be different for everyone, but I will make some general suggestions that hopefully will guide you to conserving some of your precious (and finite) energy and patience for your loved ones.
What is possible and realistic will also be different, depending on your personal circumstances. I acknowledge that not everyone has the luxury of just taking time off, going on holiday, or even taking a little time for themselves.
- Reduce working hours or take some vacation time
- Ask your co-parent or a family member to help a little more to reduce your workload
- Engage in self-care strategies and self-regulation strategies
- Consider your sensory needs
Taking sensory needs into consideration
If you’re like me, you may not recognize how neglecting your sensory needs is draining your resources. In fact, if you’re like me, you may not have realized you even had sensory needs to begin with!
I had no idea that bright lights, loud noises, crowded spaces, and uncomfortable temperatures all took a toll on my limited energy reserves. Like leaving a cell phone in the car overnight during the winter, being in uncomfortable environments can drain our proverbial batteries (or squeeze the toothpaste tube, if you prefer that analogy).
Everyone has a different sensory profile, meaning different senses which are more or less sensitive than others. Autistics, people with SPD, and other neurodivergents often have more extreme sensitivities, which can contribute to emotional dysregulation.
The perils of perfectionism
When my son was younger, I thought I had to be the perfect parent — which, of course, does not exist. My son had no screen time before the age of two, I made all of his food myself, and spent every waking moment doting on him and meeting his needs.
Not only is this unsustainable, it actually made me a worse mom in the short-term. I had very few breaks because my son took painfully short naps, and I refused to put him in front of a screen even for a few minutes, just to give myself a little breather.
We live in a different province from our extended family, so I didn’t have any doting grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc. to lend a hand.
I was doing everything “right” and was quite often exhausted and miserable. I love my son and we still had lots of fun together, but putting that much pressure on myself made me irritable and unhappy.
I was too busy trying to be perfect that I was missing out on just going with the flow and being in the moment.
I’m a much different parent (and person) now. My son is older, of course, and more independent, so that makes things easier. I’ve also learned from experience that trying to force someone to become someone they’re not — including ourselves — only leads to misery.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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