Keeping Our Cool With Our Loved Ones
Strategies for remaining calm when someone we love is experiencing intense emotions
Have a plan
Have a plan ahead of time, one you’ve come up with when you’re calm, ready for those moments when you feel the frustration rising.
Notice patterns that arise. Identify particular issues that regularly seem to trigger conflict and develop plans for avoiding, mitigating, or working through them as appropriate.
If you notice particular patterns of communication it can help to even have a script, or particular phrases you wish to use, prepared in advance. When we have a plan we’ve come up with while calm, it gives us something to fall back on when emotions begin to rise.
Develop calming strategies
We are more able to tolerate stress when we start from a place of calm. One way we can do this is through the old cliché “self care”. I don’t mean going for a massage or taking a bath (unless that truly is what helps you), I mean little things you can do every day to replenish yourself.
For me, my daily acts of self care are:
- Hugging my son
- A cup (or 3) of coffee
- Reading books
- Getting outside for fresh air & sunshine
- Petting my dogs
- Writing
- Listening to music
Don’t wait until you feel stressed to make time for your favourite self-care routines, make them a priority every day. You never know when life will throw you a curve-ball, so it’s wise to have some emotional resources stock-piled.
Keep tools visible
When we’re upset, we’re much less likely to remember and turn to those acts that help us calm rising emotions. It’s helpful to keep some options visible and easily accessible for moments when they are needed most.
I keep my noise-cancelling headphones on the coffee table within easy reach, and we have full bookshelves on nearly every wall of our house, so that’s never an issue.
My son has a “calming kit” he keeps in his bedroom. When he’s upset he finds reading most helpful to calm down until he’s ready to talk. Near the bookshelves in his room he keeps a little box of sensory toys he can fidget with while reading, which helps him regulate.
It takes a village…
It truly does take a village to be our best with our children. If you have a partner or co-parent, lean on them. Tag-team when one of you is getting frustrated, allowing one adult to offer support while the other cools down.
If you’re a single parent, rely on friends and family for support. Commiserate and collaborate, take turns watching each others’ children, or get together while the children play and you chat with a supportive friend.
Read books and listen to podcasts that inspire and invigorate you. Take care of your physical and mental health so you have emotional energy left over for the daily challenges that parenting, and life in general, can bring.
If you find you have more deep-seated struggles, consider engaging the help of a professional. Seek out a parenting coach, therapist, or counsellor to help you work through your difficulties so you can be at your best when you’re with your children.
Don’t expect perfection
Don’t expect perfection from yourself, your partner, or your children. We’re all human, we all make mistakes every single day. Parenting is such a rewarding, exhausting, difficult, amazing job and it’s so easy to be critical of ourselves.
Be honest when you mess up, apologize to your children when you lose your cool, and then look forward. It’s much easier said than done, I know, but that is what our village is for: to remind us that we’re great parents, however imperfect, and that we’ve got each others’ backs.
© Jillian Enright, Neurodiversity MB
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Speaking of invigorating books, here are my reading recommendations:
Self Care Articles
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