5 Scary Sex Mistakes to Avoid

Surefire ways to ruin your sex life

With Halloween just around the corner, we have all things scary on our minds — and in some cases, like when we watch horror movies, those scary thoughts can actually get us hot and bothered so we can heat things up in the bedroom. However, some of the scary thoughts we have can really put a damper on our sex lives and lead to big mistakes in the bedroom. To find out some of the scariest mistakes we can make, I spoke to sex and relationship experts who gave the following warnings.

“Allow yourself and your partner to daydream together.” — Kiara Luna

Making Assumptions

Our culture tends toward a belief in absolutes when it comes to sex — that certain things, and only certain things, are “normal” and acceptable; that if you’re with the right person, you won’t have to negotiate because you’ll want the same things; that “men are this way and women are that way.” These things aren’t true for all people, and they set us up for simplistic beliefs, unsatisfying sex, stultifying roles and worse, all the way to terrible breaches like partner rape.

Do everything you can to recognize and unlearn these lazy and often toxic messages. Look for them in romantic comedies, pornography, action movies, commercials, the things your mother says — they’re everywhere! Make communication part of your sexual toolkit in a real way — getting consent, asking what your partner likes or wants to try, telling them the same from your end. More communication makes for stronger relationships; more satisfying sex; and it helps prevent those terrible mistakes like “She let me pay for dinner, so that means she wants sex.”

And if you make a mistake, own it, take responsibility, and apologize! If the person is willing to go on the journey of better communication with you, start it together, and really listen to each other and share what’s real for you. If not, tackle this yourself with therapy, opening up communication with people other than sex partners, and reading books.

-Sexologist Dr. Carol Queen, author of Exhibitionism for the Shy*

“Create an environment that is conducive to intimacy and relaxation.” — Megan Harrison

Waiting for the Mood to Strike

One big sex mistake that people make is that they just sit around and wait for inspiration to strike, and the next thing that happens is they begin to wonder what’s wrong with their libido because they’re not spontaneously in the mood. The thing is, arousal takes a conscious effort and you need to actively tend to it. So even before the whole sex thing begins, you need to make your mind prepare for it.

-Joseph Puglisi, CEO of Dating Iconic

“Arousal takes a conscious effort and you need to actively tend to it.” — Joseph Puglisi

Using Porn As a Guide

Using porn as a guide to sex will result in a lot of disappointment if you think that is either how you or your partner should be performing. Many performers are doing just that — performing. Putting on a show. It can lead to a feeling of inadequacy in oneself if we don’t look or act like a porn performer. On average, males ejaculate in about five to eight minutes after penetration — but most young men don’t know that and feel inadequate watching these performers who are often using medications and injections in order to keep erections for very long periods of time.

If you watch porn, try to remember that it’s not real. Porn is just like any other movie. If you’re curious about what normal sex should look like or how your body should really function, be sure to discuss this with a health care provider. There are also coaches, educators, and therapists specifically in sexual health who can provide assistance and education.

Try and forget any myths you may have learned from watching porn. Try to realize that sex is not a performance we need to put on for our partner, but rather a time of mutual intimacy and enjoyment.

-Lauren Haines, MSN, APRN, FNP-BC, Founder and Nurse Practitioner at Integrative Sexual Wellness, PLLC

Skipping Foreplay

Foreplay is an important part of the sexual experience, yet many people skip it altogether. There are a few things that people can do to avoid this mistake.

First, it’s important to understand why foreplay is important. It increases sexual arousal and makes sex more enjoyable. Additionally, it can help reduce performance anxiety and help both partners feel more connected.

Second, take the time to set the mood for sex. This means getting rid of any distractions, like phones or TVs. Create an environment that is conducive to intimacy and relaxation. This may include candles, soft music, or massage.

“Porn is just like any other movie.” — Lauren Haines

Third, spend time focusing on your partner’s pleasure. This may include kissing, touching, and oral sex. Remember that foreplay is about giving and receiving pleasure — so don’t forget to enjoy yourself as well!

If you’ve made the mistake of skipping foreplay when in bed with your partner, there are a few things you can do to correct it. First, try communicating with your partner about why you feel the need to skip the snuggle. It could be that you feel too hot or uncomfortable, or that you simply don’t enjoy it as much as they do. If this is the case, try compromising by setting a time limit for the snuggle or doing it in a cooler room. Another option is to try and find ways to make the experience more enjoyable for both of you.

-Megan Harrison, LMFT, Owner of Couples Candy

Suppressing Sexual Fantasies

This is a tricky one because a lot of partners are really afraid of having real, raw conversations about their sexual fantasies. Part of this is because they feel embarrassed or are afraid of being judged by their partner. Not feeling fully comfortable to speak to your partner about fantasies leads you to want to have these conversations with other people. Not making your partner feel comfortable to speak to you about their sexual fantasies can be a mistake, as many of them interpret this as you feeling ashamed of them, which in turn may make them feel rejected.

“Do everything you can to recognize and unlearn these lazy and often toxic messages.” — Dr. Carol Queen

Having sexual fantasies does not make you weird, it’s part of being a sexual being. To avoid making this mistake, take some time to think about what your sexual fantasies are and then create an atmosphere to have this conversation with your partner. It will be your partner’s responsibility to also make you feel emotionally safe to be able to have this conversation because it can be uncomfortable. If you have fantasies but you have not yet spoken to your partner about it, this is the opportunity to open up.

Remember that when people have sexual fantasies, it also does not always mean they want them to happen. I know many couples who daydream about threesomes, but know they would freak out if they saw their partner being pleased by another person. So allow yourself and your partner to daydream together.

-Kiara Luna, LMHC, author of Becoming a Knew You

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