What Are the Financial Risks of Being Married to a Narcissist?

Holy crap, this list is long…

Let’s cut to the chase. Being married to a narcissist is EXPENSIVE. There’s no way around it. It’s costly to your emotional health and well-being. It’s also costly to your pocketbook.

Relevant factors include…

• The type of narcissist,
• Which of you makes or has inherited more money, and
• Whether you’re still married.

Regardless, it’s going to cost you.

Some mistakenly believe there are great benefits to being married to an overt narcissist — the fancy cars, clothes, dinners, and vacations.

And when married to a covert narcissist, you may enjoy the opportunity to be a savior — to help them turn their life around, to get their finances in order, to write that book, to give them a better quality of life than they could enjoy on their own.

Unfortunately, you don’t see the financial perils until it’s far too late.

Let’s break these dangers into 2 categories — those while married and those post-discard, as they are different.

Financial perils while married

The narcissist’s income is “their” money. Your income is “family” money.

The narcissist truly sees it this way. You are expected to pay the mortgage, the taxes, and pay for utilities, food, daycare, and groceries. All of your money is to go toward household expenses. The narcissist’s money, conversely, is “theirs.” They may do with it what they wish. They may choose to invest it, save it for vacations, or buy a boat. You have no say over “their” money.

The narcissist takes control of all finances, including transferring your accounts into their name.

The narcissist may convince you of their financial acumen, stating that they can manage your money better than you do. You willingly give them this control, then have no access to financial resources when you wish to leave. (It can take months, if not years in the court system, to regain access to your funds.) You also have no credit score. It’s an easy way to keep you trapped.

The narcissist convinces you to transfer property, businesses, and other assets into their name.

There’s always some convincing reason this makes sense. You want to prove you trust them. You go against your gut. It turns around and bites you in the ass — EVERY TIME.

The narcissist takes control and makes costly mistakes.

They pay bills late or overdraw your account, resulting in numerous fees. They spend excessively, then use high-interest credit to pay remaining expenses. They become disgruntled with a wealth manager, now seeing them as “all bad,” and transfer funds with fees because of the unnecessary trades. They mismanage investments and lose both of your shirts.

The narcissist abdicates responsibility for all finances, spending wildly and leaving it to you to make sure everything gets paid.

This is common with a covert narcissist who earns or has less than you do. They spend what they want and believe the rest is “your” problem to solve. It’s not their concern — at all.

The narcissist abdicates control and makes costly mistakes.

The covert narcissist hides their purchases from you to avoid another talk about controlling their spending. Purchases are made with higher cost dollars (high interest credit vs cash). Bills are hidden, then paid late, resulting in late fees and a drop in your credit score.

The narcissist uses your desire to save for retirement, save 6–8 months living expenses, and save for your kids’ college against you.

They will tell you…

• You’re too controlling.
• You need to lighten up.
• You care more about money than people.

They gaslight you into believing this is true. You back off to avoid being perceived this way. The narcissist continues their spending, and your long-term financial goals aren’t achieved.

Financial perils post-discard

You thought it was bad while married? This is where it gets really ugly.

The narcissist seeks to take most, if not all, of your combined assets.

When they hire a lawyer, you see a side of them you’ve never seen before. Not only do they see you as an enemy that must be neutralized, but they also now have an expensive legal team backing them.

The narcissist hides assets or accuses you of the same.

If the narcissist has had control all along, good luck finding all the assets. Don’t expect them to be revealed at discovery. Or they are non-accessible as they have been invested in a partnership with others. When a narcissist has pulled a fast one, they love to punish you by letting you know they have power and control over you.

If they’re a covert narcissist who hasn’t made significant income during the marriage, they’ll claim you’re hiding assets, so they get enhanced victim status from their flying monkeys.

By the way, it’s impossible to PROVE you don’t have hidden assets without extensive forensic accounting.

The narcissist demands spousal support.

This is a pretty standard “gotcha” for the narcissist who is unemployed or underemployed. They have contributed little to nothing to the marital finances. Oftentimes, they’ve been a drain on family finances due to overspending. Despite that, they now feel you need to support their “lifestyle” indefinitely. The longer you’ve been married, the more likely this becomes.

The narcissist who earns more seeks to pay little, if any, child support.

They would rather their children go without than have you get any help with expenses. Even when the court requires them to pay half of variable expenses, they will refuse to pay for music lessons, camp, sports, or other things, leaving that burden to you.

The narcissist who earns less petitions for placement solely to get child support.

This is another way of sticking it to you and your children. The narcissist doesn’t want equal placement with the kids. Maybe they don’t want the kids at all. But they want you to have to pay. They seek equal or greater placement to get child support from you.

The narcissist stonewalls during the divorce process, racking up legal fees for both of you.

Divorcing a narcissist can get expensive. You may wish to consciously uncouple or work with a mediator to avoid lawyers altogether. This will work if you’re willing to give them everything they want. If not, expect them to stonewall every step of the way to waste your time and legal dollars.

The narcissist files frivolous lawsuits that cost you thousands upon thousands of dollars.

This can happen even years after the divorce. The narcissist wants to be relevant. They want attention. Maybe they’re experiencing a narcissistic collapse. In any case, you’ll pay.

Money can be replenished

If you are currently in an abusive marriage and afraid to leave due to financial consequences, consider this. The narcissist will find a way to get their pound of flesh. They will take it now or they will take it post-discard. If all goes according to their plan, they’ll take both. Waiting doesn’t help.

Money can be replenished.

Your sanity is worth more.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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