Kristen Stark is the Jelly of the Month Club of Medium
She’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year
I know, I know. Christmas Vacation clichés and it’s barely November. But I’m trying to be nice for a change, and the giving season is almost upon us. Not that we should wait for a season. I don’t need anyone telling me when to be nice. Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas. Kiss my ass. Kiss his ass. Kiss your ass. Happy Chanukah.
This piece has been brewing for several months now. Actually, it’s been cooking so long it may have started to ferment. It’s like that Korean cabbage dish. Kimchi, I think it’s called. Fermented cabbage that smells like feet. But with chicken breasts left out for a few months and then stored above the ceiling in your office with some rancid butter and a gallon of milk.
Anyway, earlier in the year Kristen wrote something I enjoyed, so I asked if I could piggyback on it. Then some things happened.
But before I get to that, I wanted to acknowledge that I’m not the only one to piggyback on Kristen’s stories.
Srini wrote a piece not long ago about how Kristen Stark is his favorite comedian:
It’s a satirically ironic take on a writer’s lift. (Satirically ironic?) Maybe it’s a writer’s drop. I suppose with Kristen it really doesn’t matter. If you pick her up, she’ll squirm until you drop her. But she’ll twist around and land on her feet like a cat. Then she’ll hiss and give you a dirty look but come back for more abuse.
Smillew Rahcuef was so inspired by her attempt at improv that he attempted his own routine standing on her giant, bulbous, manly shoulders:
Kristen tried her hand at stand-up, but I doubt anyone could imagine her destroying an iconic TV gameshow.
It was the above piece that spurred my imagination, and I penned this amazing satirical piece about how she absolutely obliterated one of the fill-in hosts for Alex Trebek.
This story remains my most read piece of all time. All of it external to Medium, of course, but so what? 91k views is a good time, and I made $8 — or enough for a couple months worth of jelly.
Dr. Michael Burg, MD even got involved as he witnessed our meteoric rise to obscurity:
Kristen’s self-deprecating specialty is to document hilarious stories about people learning to hate her. Not just hate, but loathe with all the glorious passion of seven suns, sometimes driving them to harm themselves.
While her stories accomplish that and then some, we all know the truth. She really has a heart of gold. Black gold, maybe, but gold nonetheless.
Some other interesting things about Kristen that you may want to take to your early grave:
- She doesn’t care when celebrities die
- She’s been banned by Grammarly
- We are all assholes for not saving her stories
- Her children are Of the Corn
- She’s been harassed by The Muppets
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- She ruined my funeral
When Kristen writes humor she has a way of prompting corresponding ideas. Or maybe I’m stupid and easily manipulated by evil genius women. Whatever the case, I’ve always wanted to thank her by writing this piece.
I literally started it back in March when my piece went viral. But then the results screeched to a halt and I ran out of fucks to give. But that piece paid dividends for me, and I see that her ideas have had the same affect on others.
This is why I say that Kristen Stark is Medium’s Jelly of the Month club and keeps on giving to us all year…even when we really don’t want it.
As a matter of fact, if I make enough money on this article, I’m literally sending Kristen a subscription to the Jelly of the Month club.
Actually, fuck it. I’ll probably send her one anyway, that way every month she has to think of the bunch of assholes this side of the nuthouse that really do love her.
This comes on the heals of a piece of satire I wrote about my friend Lindsay Rae Brown grabbing a bunch of cocks.
Maybe this is my version of a humorist lift, but I think it’s time we lighten up around here and have some fun. Who’s coming with me?