Local Woman Doesn’t Give a Shit When Celebrities Die
There are no exceptions
Local woman Angie Belton is causing an uproar.
When a famous person dies, she doesn’t care.
According to Angie, there are no exceptions. From mild to mega fame, her reaction (or lack thereof) to celebrities’ deaths remains constant. The people of our town are horrified.
We here at WBTV News requested an interview with Angie she accepted.
WBTV: Chuck Jenkins here. We’re live with Angie Belton, an east-side resident who is causing quite a stir. Angie, your fellow citizens are very upset over your stance on celebrity deaths. Please tell us more about it.
Angie: So, what happens is, when like a famous actress or singer dies, I simply do not give a shit.
WBTV: Wow. Some would say that attitude goes against our American culture. We worship our celebrities and we want them to remain alive so we can continue to bask in their greatness.
Angie: Yes, I’m sure many people feel that way. My position is this — famous people are welcome to remain alive, but if they die, I am 100% cool with that too.
WBTV: Audible gasp. Well, what about The Queen? How did you feel when she died?
Angie: The Queen… of England… where I do not live? I gave zero.
WBTV: Zero what?
Angie: Zero fucks.
WBTV: What about Amy Winehouse, an incredible talent who was struck down in her prime?
Angie: I love her music and addiction is a terrible thing. But do I personally care that Amy, who I have never met, died? No.
WBTV: She was an icon! How can you not care??
Angie: Here’s why. Do you know who else dies?
WBTV: No.
Angie: Literally everyone on the entire planet.
WBTV: But famous people are special. What about Morgan Freeman? One of our finest actors. When he dies, won’t you be sad?
Angie: No.
WBTV: What about Tom Hanks?!
Angie: I won’t give a…
WBTV: fuck?
Angie: flying fuck.
WBTV: This is outrageous. You’re a monster! The people of our town despise you!
Angie: This is as boring as the Queen’s funeral. Can I go?
At this point in the interview, Chuck tries to strangle Angie with his microphone wire, but the camera operator intervenes.
After this interview aired, Angie became something of a celebrity herself. She was hated, but well-known throughout the world.
20 years in the future, Angie becomes gravely ill and WBTV catches up with her at the hospital.
WBTV: Angie, you have been a celebrity for decades now. Once you pass away, many are expecting that only your friends and family will care. Isn’t that shocking? Any comments?
Angie: I don’t give a shit.
WBTV: But you’re a CELEBRITY and there won’t be long lines at your funeral! The news will be focusing on victims of gun violence, wars, and famine instead of YOUR death!
Angie: Good. Those are the deaths I always gave a shit about. You fuckers should all learn from this.
WBTV: Thanks, Angie. Now over to Chuck Jenkins live at the red carpet. Chuck, tell us what the Kardashians are wearing!
I may not care much about celebrities, but I am allegedly kind-hearted. Just ask humor genius Srini!
I recommend this funny take on food waste with a good lesson from Uvebruce. Look at us, imparting wisdom. Who are we, Aesop?