Summary

The web content titled "Allergic to Bullshit (A.T.B.S)" satirically depicts a modern restaurant interaction, highlighting the absurdity of exaggerated food allergies and the disconnect with real global food issues.

Abstract

In the satirical narrative "Allergic to Bullshit (A.T.B.S)," the author presents a dining scenario where a couple interacts with a waitress named Felicity Aardvark. The conversation quickly escalates into a farcical discussion of an overwhelming number of dietary acronyms, questionable food-related disorders, and the couple's personal issues. The story underscores the pretentiousness of some modern dining experiences, contrasting it with the stark reality of global hunger and food waste. The absurdity peaks when the waitress, overwhelmed by the couple's demands, faints from stress on a fasting day, revealing her allergy to "bullshit." The narrative concludes with a poignant reminder of the disparity between the privileged concerns of the wealthy and the life-threatening malnutrition faced by children in Somalia, alongside the irony of food waste in the USA.

Opinions

The author critiques the trend of exaggerated food allergies and restrictive diets among the affluent, suggesting that many claims are unfounded or exaggerated.
There is a clear frustration with the disconnect between the trivial concerns of diners in wealthy nations and the severe global food crises, particularly in Somalia.
The piece mocks the overcomplication of restaurant menus with an abundance of dietary labels and the performative nature of some patrons' food choices.
It highlights the irony and wastefulness of a society that prioritizes the aesthetic of food over addressing hunger and food insecurity.
The author points out the hypocrisy of a system that can easily discard food for cosmetic reasons while being reluctant to aid those in dire need, despite the potential for action at minimal cost.
The narrative suggests that societal priorities are skewed, with more attention given to personal comforts and preferences than to critical global issues, such as the potential for widespread starvation in impoverished countries.
The story implies that the red tape and bureaucracy that prevent simple solutions to global hunger could be circumvented in times of societal crisis, questioning the true values and priorities of contemporary society.

Allergic to Bullshit (A.T.B.S)

The modern-day restaurant interaction.

Good day, my name is Felicity Aardvark and I will be your server this glorious evening.

Her: Hi Felicity, nice to be acquainted.

Him - Hi.

I’ll take a drinks order and then tell you our specials. Just to let you know, we have run out of our mushroom risotto with popping candy.

Her - Aawww!

Sorry about that.

Him — Excellent. Beer for me and a glass of house white for my wife.

So, just to refresh you on the menu and help you navigate through it,

GF is gluten-free. DF is dairy free and V.E.G — vegetarian. V.E is vegan while L.G.L is Low Glycaemic Count and L.G.L is Low Glycaemic Load.

FT — This could be Fair Trade or a newspaper, depending on the time of day you join us at Bistro Bollocks.

And CR is — containing crustaceans. N.CR is NO crustacean. NM is no Mollusc. And SD shouldn't be confused with S&M … SD is no Sulphur Dioxide (Sulphites) while S&M is sadomasochism.

C.N — Contains nuts while F.U.N is made in a ‘factory that uses nuts’. Any questions?

Slight pause….

No, good, let’s continue. M.N.N — is made near nuts and M& M are chocolate-covered nuts. FMON is a factory made of nuts.

Him — Excuse me, did you say factory made of nuts?

Yes sir, that is correct. Some of our dishes come from a factory that is made entirely of nuts.

Her — that simply cannot be correct, what factory has walls made from nuts? What kind of nuts?

(slight eyebrow lifting) — walnuts ma’am! May I continue?

Both look sheepish and nod in the affirmative

C.C — contains colourants. C.O.C. Contains Organic Colourants … and G.F.G is Good For Gut.

Any questions THUS far?

Him — the Prawn and Crab Asian-styled fishcakes. Do they contain gluten? And fish is not the same as a crab or prawn is it? Should it not then read, Crustacean Cake?

I take the orders, sir. Are you Gluten intolerant or allergic sir? (she says allergic with her fingers in the parenthesis hand gesture).

Him — neither really, I just have very bad mood swings and psychosis from gluten. (He takes a massive sip of his beer).

So sorry, yes, they contain gluten, sir. What type of psychosis sir, we can add it to your profile in the Guest Experience section of the booking database. That way we will give you a pre-printed menu with none of the dishes that could cause dietary issues in the future.

Him — My mood swings could cause me to annoy people around me, and in a worst-case scenario, self-harm. It is a medically acknowledged disorder … G.D.P.R. they call it —

Her — no that’s your data protection fear dear. General Data Protection Recall Disorder. He’s referring to his G.R.P.D. disorder — Gluten Related Psychosis and Depression Disorder.

I’d probably avoid the fishcakes then sir. Or have them, depending on the mood you are going for.

Him — yes I get those confused. Please do NOT add me to your database, I have an allergy to any potential data breach. Two weeks ago, in my confusion, I ate two Weetabix thinking it was a data breach and had to go straight to E&R and have my stomach pumped. It was a nightmare.

Her — well was it an accident Mark, was it?

Him — no, (looking sad), I wanted the Weetabix. I want to be like other men and eat normal food.

Her — well Mark, let’s both agree you are not like other normal men, are you?

Him — no dear.

Her — I want a child, and you cannot provide me with that either, can you Mark?

Him — no dear. But I am allergic to prophylactic rubber, so there is always a chance.

The waitress is looking awkward.

And you ma’am, any allergies or issues?

Her — no, no … I have NO allergies but I am an E.F.P.P. —

A what ma’am? So sorry, I do not have that on my list of dining issues.

Her — Early Pre-Paeleo Pescatarian. AND … I am also doing I.I.F.

— waitress looks blank —

Her — that is intensive intermittent fasting. This means I have a two-hour window to get calorie intake into my body and as we speak I have 20 minutes left to eat.

So how about the smoked mackerel on gluten-free toast ma’am? It is quick and delicious.

Her — Oooh! Yes, wonderful.

The waitress sighs and writes the first order in 30 minutes.

Her — sorry, sorry, where is that mackerel from?

I think the ocean ma’am, or perhaps the sea.

Her — sure. sure … Aaah, do you perhaps know if it was happy before being caught and killed? You know, ethical and provenance and all that.

And it has no gluten, dairy, or sugar, and is organic. Just to be, you know, sure. And all the food groups used in the dish are of paleo authentic origin.

Waitress faints. It’s a fasting day and her stress levels have caused her to keel over.

A staff member walks over and bends to carry her away.

Him — is she OK? Does she suffer from something?

New Waiter — yes. She is A.T.B.S

Her -what is that

New Waiter — Allergic to bullshit.

In Somalia right now, more than 1/2 of the children under ten faces acute malnutrition. And 500 000 children are ‘more than likely’ going to die. Imagine your country with 500 000 half-sized coffins lining the streets.

All this while our wealthy middle classes suffer from fake allergies and ridiculous food requests. Only 4% of the USA have real allergies, yet more than 20% say they have an allergy. That’s around 120 million liars. And we worry about politicians lying.

160 billion dollars worth of food is thrown away (and climbing) in the USA because of aesthetics.

That is a blemish.

As a restaurant owner in the USA, I can attest to this and had to put a stop to it by having bins for what chefs deemed “bad” and then I would re-check it. I reduced my veg order by 73%.

Let’s think before we act and let’s act before people die unnecessarily.

And it is at ZERO cost to any of us.

That is the saddest part. We will send a warplane to drop a bomb on one man’s house in the Middle East … but we won’t send a cargo plane with food going to a landfill, to Somalia. Instead, we mothball the aircraft at places like the Davis-Monthan Air Force Boneyard in Tucson and cry about the red tape.

I wonder how much red tape there will be in a societal Armageddon? Or how much there was during the French Revolution?

Source: An idea taken and expanded on, from a UK Channel 4 program.