Kristen Ruins Jeopardy!
The demise of a temporary replacement of a legend
Bob Richmond was a lovely man, and a fine producer. He was enjoying his time in the rotation of producers in the absence of Alex Trebek after his unfortunate departure.
But Bob’s life was never quite the same after one long day during auditions for the show. Once again, Kristen Stark ruined it for everyone.
Bob sat in the chair looking disheveled. Spaghetti stains on his untucked shirt, ring around the collar — the works. Dark circles under his eyes, a three-day beard, a half-empty bottle of bourbon on his end table. Nonetheless, he agreed to sit down and talk to me in the comfort of his own home after a devastating audition session left him in a near-vegetative state.
The portable studio lights were bright. Bob’s eyes squinted at the kind of light he hadn’t seen in months.
“Thanks for having us into your home, Mr. Richmond. We know it’s a tough time for you.”
“Whatever.”
“Bob… can I call you Bob?”
“I don't give a shit.”
“I see. Well, Bob, what can you tell us about that audition day on the set?”
Bob stares blankly. Not at me, but through me. He regains his focus long enough to pour himself a solid two fingers of bourbon into a nearby rocks glass.
“The day started like any other day since Alex passed. We arrived onset with a room full of potential smartasses that had been pre-screened. There in my peripheral vision was a woman who would eventually ruin my life.”
“Who was it, Bob?”
“You saw the tape. Everyone saw the tape. It was on YouTube like 15 minutes after we shot it. Kristen St-t-tark. The mere thought of her name gives me shivers. As bad as the footage was, things were even worse between takes.”
“How so?”
“That woman was completely unhinged. She wouldn’t ever shut up and listen to the producers giving her instructions. She drew penises on the little screens. She constantly made weird jokes that didn’t make sense to anyone. At one point she even pushed me out of the way at the podium to do her horrible stand-up routine.”
“I see. Wasn’t this also your audition to be the semi-permanent host?”
“Yeah, it was. But when that woman screamed like a Wookie and gave me a noogie, I lost it.”
“What did you do?”
“I did what any sensible human would do and walked off the stage. It was either that or beat her to death with my microphone. This woman was a lunatic.”
“Was the show over then?”
“Unfortunately, no. Back in my dressing room I had a couple drinks and calmed myself enough to go back out there. One of the other producers had stepped in to deliver the answers to the contestants, but she had taken over the show to perform her “recorder concerto” as she called it.”
“What did she do?”
“She demanded everyone in the studio shut up. She kept screaming maniacally in both Wookie and English for them to quiet down and listen to her. She was clearly deranged. When they were reasonably quiet she took a huge breath and played When A Man Loves A Woman. On the recorder. As loud as possible.”
“Oh that’s awful.”
“Oh it was. And if that wasn’t bad enough, she then performed Achy Breaky Heart with armpit farts.”
“Jesus Christ.”
“Yeah.” Bob stared off into space again, clearly suffering from PTSD.
“What did you do after that, Bob?”
“Well, I knew my career as a host was kaput. After security escorted her out of the building, I went home and crawled inside a bottle, forever trying to wash away the pain of that day. I wake up in cold sweats from night terrors featuring recorders and armpit farts. Sometimes armpit farts coming out of recorders. And sometimes I see her dancing. She does The Running Man across the stage while playing the recorder in my nightmares. It’s hideous.”
“Oh the humanity. Do you know what happened to her?”
“Not really. Last I heard she was trying to audition for Wheel of Fortune. Pat Sajak is a nice guy. I don’t wish that on him or anyone else.”
Bob’s life continued to decline rapidly following our interview. His wife eventually left him, and last we saw him he was living in the alley behind the ABC studios muttering Kristen’s terrible jokes to departing show personnel while wearing a shocking blond fright wig.
