SATIRE
Try Your Hand at 12 Questions From My Jeopardy Audition
This is fake AF
Welcome, everyone. Thank you for taking the time to audition for Jeopardy! I’m Bob, one of the show’s producers, and I will be handling today’s questions.
First up we have Kristen. Let’s begin.
“Night Watch” is a classic painting from this 17th-century Dutch artist.
Kristen: Who is John Grisham?
Bob: Grisham is an American author who is alive today.
Kristen: Oh come on, you guys love Grisham. I know he’s in your pile of clues somewhere.
Canada’s three territories are Nunavut, the Northwest Territories, and this one.
Kristen: I thought Canada was a city in Maine? Hmm, what is Yorkshire Terrier?
Bob: I said “territory” not “terrier”. Let’s move on…
“The Devil in the White City tells of this city’s 1893 World’s Fair.
Kristen: What is Canada?
Bob: No. It’s Chicago.
Kristen: Ah, The City of Lights.
The 1944 Battle of the Ardennes is also alliteratively called the “Battle of” this
Kristen: What is Bardennes?
Bob: No, but I am surprised you know what alliteration is.
Kristen: alliter what?
Bob: OH MY GOD.
An enlargement of this gland is called a goiter.
Kristen: Gross.
Bob: Is that your response?
Kristen: Yup.
Bob: Next question.
The seven brightest stars in Ursa Major are collectively known as this.
Kristen: What is Star Wars?
Bob: You think the answer is the fictional movie Star Wars?
Kristen:
Castanets and the tambourine belong to this section of the orchestra.
Kristen: What is the trash? Because the only respectable instrument is the recorder.
Bob: NO.
This green pigment is necessary for plants to carry out photosynthesis.
Kristen: What is ectoplasm?
Bob: The slimy stuff from Ghostbusters?
Kristen: Yes. What are you, an idiot?
Mosul and Ramadi can both be found in this Middle East country.
Kristen: I want to say Canada but …
Bob: You think Canada is a city. We are looking for a country.
Kristen: Ah-rack
Bob: Did you just say Iraq? That’s right!
Kristen: I wasn’t finished. I was saying Arachnophobia is another solid movie. It’s like Ghostbusters but with spiders!
Bob: Please let this end.
Its name is from the Greek for “river horse.”
Kristen: River whores? Do prostitutes get much business on a river?
Bob: I said “horse!”
Kristen: I forgot the question.
Bob: Next.
This vestigial organ is attached to a part of the large intestine called the cecum.
Kristen: What is…
Bob: Are you going to say gross?
Kristen: Gross. And make it a Daily Double.
Bob: That’s not how it works.
The 1930 book “Murder at the Vicarage” featured this sleuth.
Kristen: Who is John Grisham?
Bob: Jesus.
Kristen: OK, who is Jesus? Make it a Daily Triple this time.
Bob: Security, please remove this nightmare of a woman from the stage.
Kristen: Wait! Did I make the cut?
Post-Audition
After security dragged me to the street, a limo pulled up. The rear window rolled down to reveal John Grisham. He asked me if I needed a ride. I hopped in and told him how much I LOVE his paintings. He laughed. I guess he thought I was joking.
I made it home safe and sound with a free copy of The Client. Reading is for nerds so I threw it in the trash and returned to my favorite hobby — playing the recorder.
So what if I’ll never be a Jeopardy! star. There’s always Wheel of Fortune. I bet the key is to guess “Z” over and over again like I do in Wordle.
Wish me luck!
The Jeopardy! questions were pulled from this story on Insider. You can find all of the answers there too if you’re dying to learn more about goiters.
If you’d like to revisit my searing piece of literature at a later time you can always save it to your reading list.
