FIELD OF SCREAMS

Is Your Kid Ready to Join The Children of the Corn?

We’re recruiting!

Karate. Dance. Soccer.

We get it. There are tons of choices when it comes to choosing an activity for your child.

Ask yourself though… are you looking for more? How about a community that offers teamwork, problem-solving, and bloodlust?

Check out The Children of the Corn!

As a member of TCOTC™, your dear little one will tackle complex puzzles, such as:

• What is the best time of day to summon Satan?
• How do I steal the sheriff's cat for a quick sacrifice, as Satan commanded?
• If the sheriff sees me, how do I melt his face off using only my eyes?

We know, it sounds daunting. You might even be wondering, “Is my child ready for such a challenge?” Well, take a look at our handy checklist!

Child Readiness Checklist for The Children of The Corn

• When you ask your child how school went, are you met with a dead stare? Great! It’s creepy. It’s freaky. The talent is clearly there.
• Do you often find your small one standing at the foot of your bed in the middle of the night? Excellent! He is communing with dark entities. Let us foster that bond.
• Does your Kindergartener draw hideous pictures of you? Incredible! Her artistic prowess will be vital for scrawling demonic incantations on the church walls. We’ll simply swap crayons with blood.
• When you ask your youngster to put their shoes on, do they writhe, kick or bite? Fantastic! Those feisty maneuvers will be perfect for crushing the innocent.
• Does your precious offspring drag you to their room just to show you the worst Lego tower you’ve ever seen? Nice! The ability to lure victims will be invaluable when Satan calls for a “ceremony.”
• When your beloved 1st grader loses a tooth, does she hold the bloody incisor in her palm? Fabulous! Delicate handling of bones and other assorted body parts will be crucial to her success as a Child of The Corn.
• Does your toddler angrily push peas off of the plate? Amazing! We’ll work diligently until “peas” is replaced with “townsfolk,” and “plate” is replaced with “bridge.”

We hope you’ll enroll your tiny loved one in our rigorous, yet highly rewarding program.

Before membership in TCOTC™ is complete, your child will be required to participate in a quick test.

Please bring a pet goldfish, nosy neighbor, or pesky mother-in-law to the c̶o̶r̶n̶f̶i̶e̶l̶d̶ testing center to complete the s̶a̶c̶r̶i̶f̶i̶c̶e̶ evaluation.

Yours in Satan, The Children of the Corn Committee

Interested in a palate cleanse after this? Try the uplifting words of my pal Mhstuart or the always peaceful Jenny Lane. They don’t typically write about Satanic children committing atrocities. To each their own, I guess!