6 Jokes That Bombed On Stage

Stand-up woes

This is a true story.

In 2010, I tried stand-up comedy 3 times. I performed 5-minute sets at Amateur Nights. The first two shows were okay — I didn’t wow the crowd but there were laughs. The third show did NOT go well. The audience was utterly unimpressed. It was cringeworthy, horrible … the pits.

I never returned to the stage.

Here are 6 of the jokes from that night. I share them with you now, over a decade later, because I am a masochist, a dumbass, or both.

• When my realtor showed me my apartment, she pointed out the decorative fireplace. I didn’t know you could just take something that doesn’t work and call it “decorative.” It’s great though, because now I have a decorative fireplace, a decorative clock, and when he’s drunk, my boyfriend has a decorative dick.
• Beyoncé uses an alter ego called “Sasha Fierce.” She says it makes her feel more fun, sexual, and aggressive. I have something that makes me more fun and slutty too. I call it “Jack Daniels.”
• Anybody got CHRONIC … dry eye?
• I saw a documentary where addicts use DayQuil as an ingredient to make meth. They call the process “cooking.” That is just WRONG. They should use NyQuil.
• My grandmother is a lot like Bea Arthur … she’s dead.
• I hate when the waiter asks me if it’s my first time at the restaurant. When it’s my first time skydiving, I will listen to the how-to speech. I don’t need a tutorial to order fucking chicken fingers.

Thanks for coming. Please tip your servers and form an orderly line as you unfollow me.

Updates:

I married Decorative Dick Man and we have two kids. I live in a house with a working fireplace. These days, I prefer Johnny Walker over Jack Daniels. My Grandmother is still dead.

Here are a few more if you aren’t sick of my BS yet:

I was semi-inspired to share these bombs after reading Rick Post’s story about his cartoons. Get yourself a “Blues Spruce” for Christmas if you celebrate.