HOME INVASION FUN

Muppets Invaded My Home and Harassed Me

It could happen to you

I rolled out of bed on Monday morning and dragged myself into the kitchen to make a pot of coffee.

When the machine began to percolate, I heard snickering. My jaw dropped as I noticed the two critics from The Muppets seated at my kitchen table.

“Oh my God!” I cried. “You’re Statler and Waldorf. What are you doing here?”

“We’re like the ghosts from A Christmas Carol,” Statler said.

“Yeah, without the happy ending. We’re just here to show you what a loser you are!” Waldorf added.

Both of the puppets threw their heads back and laughed.

I called the police and told them about the intruders. “Sorry, we can only apprehend humans,” the officer said.

I tried animal control with no luck. “Only animals, ma’am. No puppets,” they replied.

Statler smirked. “Nice try, brainiac. By the way, what coffee are you brewing there, Dunkin Donuts?”

Waldorf scowled. “Yuck. She’s like a school during Spring Break — NO CLASS!”

The coffee maker beeped. I poured myself a cup while wondering what to do with my home invasion nuisances.

Statler pointed at me. “Hey, Waldorf, look at her mug. It says Boss Lady.”

Waldorf slapped his hand on the table. “She isn’t a boss OR a lady! Was the store out of Old Hag mugs?”

“You guys are so rude. It’s too early for this nonsense,” I said, shaking my head.

“Didn’t you wear those sweatpants yesterday, and the day before?” Statler asked.

“No, I have several pairs of the same sweatpants,” I replied.

“HOT!” said Waldorf. “You’re a real trophy wife.”

“If I found out she was the prize in a contest, I’d take a dive!” Statler hooted.

The puppets high-fived.

“Are you done?” I asked. “I have to work now.”

I headed upstairs to my office as they scurried behind me. They plopped themselves on the couch next to my desk.

“Oh, is she going to write her ‘humor’ essays in her downtime at work today?” Statler scoffed.

“Remember that time she Googled ‘What is syntax?’ She’s a real Hemingway!” Waldorf roared.

I sighed. “Guys, I have to get on a Zoom meeting now. Can you please shut the hell up?”

“Oh, this should be good. Does your team know you’re wearing those ratty sweatpants under the desk?” Statler asked.

“They aren’t ratty!” I hissed. “I got them at Walmart two weeks ago!”

“Walmart. WOW. Quite the fashionista. You’re a modern-day Coco Chanel!” Waldorf croaked.

“She’s more like Koko the Gorilla. Only smellier!” Statler howled. “Wait, the Zoom is starting!”

He shoved me off of my chair and Waldorf took over the keyboard.

“Quick, type ‘Is it wine o’clock yet?’ in the chat section. Her coworkers should know she’s a drunk!” Statler coached.

“Oh my God, stop! It’s only 8 AM. I am not drinking wine!” I yelled from the floor.

I crawled over to the desk and looked at the screen. “Wait, did you change my profile image? To PUTIN?! Seriously? You are such dicks!”

The puppets laughed themselves into hysterics.

I pulled myself up from the floor, turned off the computer, and stood with my hands on my hips. “It’s time to GO,” I said sternly.

The puppets looked at each other. “Alright, suit yourself,” said Statler. “We have other idiots to ridicule anyway.”

I watched them hobble down the stairs. A few seconds later, the front door slammed behind them.

The next morning, the house felt cold, quiet, and empty without Statler and Waldorf.

I walked to the coffee machine. I remembered the mockery I’d endured the day before and decided to treat myself to a latte instead. I grabbed my car keys and headed out.

When I turned onto the highway, I heard familiar snickering. I looked in the rearview mirror and saw the puppets in the backseat.

“What is this, Driving Miss Daisy? Step on it, hag!” said Waldorf.

I smiled to myself as I merged into the fast lane and floored it.

If you enjoyed this, you’re nuts. I have no good advice for you.

Maybe read some Smillew Rahcuef?

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