Summary

Covert narcissists often exhibit passive-aggressive behavior due to their belief in entitlement, desire to maintain a positive persona, and inability to handle conflict or express emotions directly.

Abstract

The article discusses the passive-aggressive nature of covert narcissists, explaining that their sense of superiority and entitlement justifies their lack of empathy and exploitation of others. Despite desiring to be seen as friendly and agreeable, their passive aggression allows them to express anger and punish others without appearing confrontational. The article outlines six reasons for this behavior, including their lack of whole object relations, preference for maintaining victimhood, avoidance of conflict, desire to keep up appearances, and the plausible deniability that passive aggression provides. The author emphasizes the dangers of passive-aggressive behavior, as it can be a form of abuse that is often unseen and difficult to address.

Opinions

Covert narcissists believe they are entitled to special treatment and power, which leads to justifying their passive-aggressive behavior.
They prefer to be seen as victims to gain narcissistic supply from their 'flying monkeys' rather than seeking resolution.
Covert narcissists are characterized as codependent, lacking appropriate boundary-setting and conflict resolution skills.
They avoid direct refusal or confrontation, opting instead for indirect expressions of anger or dissatisfaction.
There is a belief among covert narcissists that expressing negative emotions is unacceptable, leading to a preference for maintaining a positive facade.
Passive aggression is seen as advantageous for covert narcissists because it provides a way to deny intent or accountability for their actions.
The author suggests that passive-aggressive behavior is a serious issue, potentially dangerous due to its subtle nature and the potential for gaslighting.

6 Aggravating Reasons Covert Narcissists Are So Insanely Passive-Aggressive

It’s like having your cake and eating it, too!

Covert narcissists are extremely passive-aggressive. This suits both their idealized self, their persona, and their underlying disorder.

The covert narcissist’s disorder leads them to believe, consciously or subconsciously, that they are entitled, superior, and deserving of power and control. This creates justification for lacking empathy and exploiting others. They believe they deserve special treatment.

The covert narcissist’s idealized self, their persona, thrives on being friendly, likable, helpful, kind, and considerate. They shy away from conflict.

Why?

Passive aggression involves being indirectly aggressive, rather than directly aggressive. The covert narcissist gets to express their anger and punish the offending person, without being seen as angry, aggressive, or anything other than completely agreeable.

Talk about having your cake and eating it, too!

What happens when a covert narcissist is angry with you?

A covert narcissist WILL NOT…

Sit down to have a talk about their feelings
Offer you an opportunity to respond
and Attempt to create a resolution

Why not? There are six reasons…

#1 The covert narcissist lacks whole object relations and object constancy

While they are angry with you, you are “all bad.” They believe you’ve hurt them intentionally, are unwilling to apologize, and are incapable of repairing the relationship.

They cannot see past the setback in your relationship, so don’t see the point in trying.

#2 The covert narcissist prefers to be angry than seek resolution

Being angry allows them to remain the victim, which gains them an abundant narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys.

It is impossible to ever give them what they want because what they want is to be perceived as victimized by you.

#3 The covert narcissist avoids conflict

Most narcissists, covert or otherwise, are also codependent. They’ve not learned how to set appropriate boundaries or resolve conflicts in a healthy way.

Further, they are unable to regulate their own emotions. They require a narcissistic supply for that, so when they are angry with you and feeling supply-deficient, they do not have the ability to have a mature conversation.

#4 The covert narcissist doesn’t want to do something, but also doesn’t want to tell you, “No”

The covert narcissist doesn’t want to go to your work party, doesn’t want to load the dishwasher, or doesn’t want to complete a home project. They also don’t want to appear contrary or disagreeable.

Instead, they will procrastinate, come home late, or intentionally do the task poorly to punish you for asking in the first place.

#5 The covert narcissist wants to keep up appearances

They’ve been taught to deeply bury so-called negative emotions, like hurt and anger. They believe expressing them makes them, and others, look bad.

This is why sharing your feelings in an attempt to improve the relationship, creates narcissistic injury.

#6 Passive aggression comes with built-in plausible deniability

Because the aggression is indirect, is subtle, is often invisible, it has plausible deniability built right in.

The covert narcissist can’t be held accountable for…

Intentionally coming home late because they didn’t want to go to the party when they can blame traffic
Intentionally ruining your laundry to avoid being asked again when they can claim it was an accident
Intentionally missing a deadline, when they express how busy they are

Passive aggression is still aggression

So often people dismiss passive aggression as being a minor offense.

It’s not.

In many ways, passive-aggression is extremely dangerous because the covert narcissist’s actions are not directly observed by the victim, are not witnessed by others, and are ripe for gaslighting through plausible deniability.

When you can no longer “unsee” the behavior, you know it’s time to make a change.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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