When Will an Attractive Narcissist Make Contact After a Discard?
The problem with this question is as important as the answer
You’ve heard that all narcissists hoover and want to know what to expect. Will they reach out tomorrow, next week, next year?
First, let’s look at why they reach out post-discard. A narcissist hoovers for one of five reasons.
- Their new source of narcissistic supply isn’t a good source
- They’ve grown bored of their new source of supply
- They miss resources you provided
- They want to feel power and control over you.
- They want what others have, exerting power and control over them
What’s the first thing you notice here?
None of these reasons are about you. The narcissist does not make contact or hoover you after a discard because…
- They love you
- They realize you’re “the one”
- They miss you
- They are ready to commit to you
They contact you because doing so fills a need they have. And if someone else fills that need better, they’ll contact them instead.
That’s the why. Here’s the when
When the narcissist contacts you depends on how they see you, how they see themselves, how the relationship ended, and when they have the need.
If an overt, attractive narcissist discarded you for a younger, newer model, they would likely contact you quickly. Once you are “all good” in their mind again, they want to slot you in as a backup source of supply. You’re already trained. They’d be foolish to let their investment in that training go.
If you discarded an attractive, overt narcissist, they would likely contact you again, but it will take longer. Their narcissistic injury runs deep. They see you as having rejected and humiliated them. You’ll stay in the “all bad” category for a long, long time.
If you discarded a covert narcissist or they discarded you after their mask slipped, they will not try to rekindle the romantic relationship. They may try to salvage your narcissistic supply by slotting you into the position of friend, advisor, confidante, and flying monkey against their new source of supply.
Here’s the problem with this question
It keeps you stuck. It keeps you from moving on. It gives the narcissist power and control over your thoughts and your actions.
While the narcissist runs around doing whatever they please, you agonize over when and if they’ll contact you again. Ugh.
The even bigger problem is that part of you wants them to reach out, wants them to want you, wants that breadcrumb they’re willing to give you, wants the intermittent reinforcement that strengthens the trauma bond.
That’s your trauma bond talking.
And the way it strengthens itself is frightening.
I can help you break it. Breaking the Trauma Bond is a cornerstone of the Antifragile Jumpstart program.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: How Long Does It Take to Heal from Narcissistic Abuse? and As a Recovering Narcissist Victim, How Do I Become Truly Indifferent?