5 Reasons a Narcissist Will Revalue You After a Brutal Discard
More importantly, reasons a narcissist doesn’t revalue you
You are stunned.
Sure, your relationship wasn’t perfect, but you thought they were the one. Next thing you know, it’s over — brutally over. You never saw the discard coming.
You bring a lot to the table in a relationship. You thought the narcissist appreciated that. Yet somehow, they looked at you like you were the lowest person on earth.
Now, eons later, here they are again. You’ve been moved from the lowest person on earth to a pedestal and you don’t know why.
There’s a part of you that’s hoping…
- Hoping they realize they made a huge mistake
- Hoping they see your value
- Hoping they want you back
- Hoping to be the one to reject them
There’s another part of you that wants to…
- Know what they’re thinking
- Know what they want
- Steer clear
A narcissist’s revalue of you is an oxymoron
Let’s be entirely clear. The narcissist never valued and will never value you as a person.
You were not and will not be seen as a person with thoughts, opinions, feelings, fears, hopes, needs, wants, desires, or dreams.
To the narcissist, you were and are an object, a source of narcissistic supply.
For those hoping you can make the narcissist revalue you, please stop and read that again.
The narcissist may appear to revalue you for 5 reasons
- Their new source of supply isn’t a good source: Maybe the new source of supply sees right through them, calls them out on their behavior and is thus failing the testing process, is nonplussed by devaluation attempts, doesn’t jump in and devalue themselves saving the narcissist the heavy lifting. Maybe you were simply an easier source of supply.
- They’ve grown bored of their new source of supply: An overt narcissist will grow bored of anyone, no matter how stellar they are. It’s much easier to go back to someone who has been trained to be an excellent source of supply than it is to groom someone new.
- They miss other resources you provided: They want money, status, access to all-star parties, connections, travel opportunities, or good advice. Their account at the Bank of (insert your name) is closed and they want to open a new one.
- They want to feel power and control over you: Some narcissists really enjoy the hunt. It’s not enough to catch the injured gazelle in the herd. They want to catch the fastest, most elusive prey. Even though they just devalued and discarded you, they’ve forgotten that. They lack object constancy. The narcissist has slotted you back into “all good” and now sees you as their idealized vision of you. You’ve again become someone to conquer.
- They want what others have, thus exerting power and control over them: You have moved on, are with someone new, and are thriving. Stealing you from your new partner (or at least disrupting the relationship) makes them feel better about themselves.
The following are NOT reasons a narcissist revalues you
- They now realize you are “the one.”
- They now realize what they had with you.
- They miss the good times.
- They miss being in a relationship with you.
- They are ready to commit to you.
What this all means for you
When you are seen as an object, a commodity, your value as such is variable.
If you were an ice-cold bottle of water, you’d be a lot more valuable to someone thirsty on a hot day, than you would be to someone on a fluid restriction with cases of bottled water in the corner.
To a narcissist with a lack of object constancy, your value is variable.
Yet your inherent value never changes.
Connect to the truth of who you are, connect to your inherent value, and the opinion of others becomes irrelevant.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
Recommended for you: If Narcissists Lack Object Constancy, How Can They Want You Back? and How Will I Know When I Have Completely Healed from Narcissistic Abuse?
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