This One Thing Is a Narcissist’s Greatest Fear

It drives EVERYTHING they do…

I had no idea the lies ran so deep. This realization took my breath away.

The truth was so obvious, so easily proven. There was so much credible evidence. Yet the people I thought were my family and friends didn’t see it. I hadn’t yet learned about flying monkeys.

The stories told were so heinous, so utterly ridiculous, yet the people I trusted believed them. It was only years later that I realized the narcissist’s smear campaign started decades ago.

This setup was designed to prevent the realization of the narcissist’s greatest fear.

The narcissist’s greatest fear is feeling shame

One of the key characteristics of narcissistic personality disorder is the creation of a persona, a mask, a false self, that allows the narcissist to hide their true self. Their persona can make them appear to be strong, powerful, smart, a great listener, compassionate, hard-working, devoted, down on their luck, and even victimized.

Regardless of the differences in how they present (the persona they show the world), each narcissist’s true self suffers from deep-seated shame about who they are. They fear not being good enough, being worthless, unworthy, and unlovable.

This shame is so overwhelming, so terrifying, that the narcissist will do anything possible to avoid it. The presentation differs depending on whether the narcissist is overt or covert.

The overt narcissist’s greatest fear — loss of status

The overt narcissist has created a persona to show the world how powerful, attractive, and successful they are. This persona, and those that believe it to be real, the narcissist’s flying monkeys, buffer the narcissist from feeling their shame. To be without it, would be agony.

The overt narcissist’s persona increases their status in varied ways — respect, admiration, praise, power, even control. They fear losing status — blatant disrespect, being corrected or made wrong, losing at anything, perceived failure (even at something small), and loss of control. These status losses cause narcissistic injury.

When the loss of status occurs in front of others, their greatest fear is realized. And those who witness their narcissistic collapse see it.

The covert narcissist’s greatest fear — exposure

The covert narcissist’s persona is not one of power, success, and achievement, but one of victimhood and heroism. They may have some level of success, but this is not what motivates them. They’re also not motivated by loss of status, because…

• Being corrected publicly,
• Failing at something,
• And being disrespected

… gives them a narcissistic supply from their flying monkeys.

Instead, the covert narcissist fears exposure, the slip of their mask, the revelation of their true self that they’ve desperately tried to hide.

The covert narcissist has operated in a world of passive aggression and plausible deniability for so long that the thought of exposure is terrifying. Their narcissistic collapse is equally terrifying.

The best empathic response

When a narcissist’s mask slips and you see who they really are, it’s a shock to your system.

If your cognitive dissonance is too great, you will quickly try to forget what you saw and maintain your belief that the persona is real. This leads to further pain for you.

On the other hand, if you know you saw the narcissist’s true self, your empathic nature may swoop in to try to soothe, caretake, and rescue the narcissist from their shame, also leading to further pain for you.

Your best response is to identify what you saw so clearly. Be present with your feelings. Hold compassion for the narcissist (dealing with overwhelming shame is devastating for anyone). Make decisions about what is best for you, knowing that the narcissist is unable to change.

You take control of your experience with love.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact survivors break free from the longstanding aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free guide, Was Any Of It Real?, and find information about working with her on her website.