How Do I Stop Thinking About My Narcissist Ex and Move On?

Sometimes all you want is to see the relationship from the rear-view mirror

You’ve broken up. It was hard. No, it was really hard. Maybe you got up the courage to end the abuse and leave. Maybe the narcissist beat you to the punch and left.

Either way, they’ve moved on and you’re left picking up the pieces of your life. You find yourself thinking about them all the time.

• You wonder if they’re really a narcissist.
• You ask your friends and family if they saw it.
• You agonize over whether you could have done something differently.
• You replay conversations and situations in your head again and again.
• You agonize over whether you are too controlling or too sensitive.

You stop. “This is ridiculous,” you tell yourself. “It’s time to move on.” You try to move on.

You make a plan to…

• Go out with friends
• Try some new hobbies or resume old ones
• Start a new workout regimen

The thoughts start to creep back in — slowly at first, then with more fervor.

Next thing you know you’re…

• Sobbing hysterically in bed, wearing their old t-shirt
• Looking at photos of the two of you together
• Doing an internet search of the vacation spot you both dreamt about
• Going through the shoebox of cards and notes from them

“No,” you think. “No, I won’t go here. They were wrong for me. I did the right thing. For crying out loud, LET IT GO!” At this point, you’re yelling at yourself, punishing yourself for still thinking about them, for wanting what was never achievable in the first place — an emotionally healthy relationship.

You’re in deep, mourning the loss of what will never be. You had expectations for this relationship. You thought they were “the one.” You envisioned growing old together and telling your grandkids stories of how you met. You invested childbearing years into this relationship. You don’t want to start over.

You throw yourself more forcefully into your distractions, determined to move on. If only it were that easy.

The thoughts creep back in. Each time they do, you grow more and more angry and disgusted with yourself.

The answer is simple. Implementation is hard

The straightforward, simple answer is to stop telling yourself to stop.

If I tell you, “Don’t think about elephants,” what’s the first thing you think about? Elephants! Even if you weren’t thinking about elephants before, you sure are now.

And if you planned your whole day to be sure you don’t think about elephants, what do you imagine you’ll think about? Yep, still elephants.

Then, imagine you beat yourself up for thinking about elephants when you made these great plans to avoid it, yelling at yourself with a “Knock it off! Stop thinking about elephants!”

Telling yourself to stop won’t work — Here are the reasons why

The subconscious mind doesn’t register negatives, like “don’t,” or “stop.” If you say, “Don’t slam the door,” someone is more likely to slam the door. If you say, “Don’t color on the walls,” your child is more likely to color on the walls. (As a mother of five, this knowledge came in handy.)

When you try to force yourself to get over something, to let go, to move on, it actually takes longer for those things to happen. Why? You are not validating yourself. You are not accepting yourself. You are not loving yourself as you are — a loving Soul who feels betrayed, who is grieving, who is in pain. And when you do not validate, accept, or love the part of yourself that is struggling, much like a small child, it screams louder.

Judging and shaming yourself creates new trauma. Look, you’ve been through enough abuse, enough trauma, to last a lifetime. There is no need to add to that pile. When you do, you rip open your core wound — the wound that drew you to the narcissist in the first place. When you are hurting, you’re more vulnerable to the breadcrumbs, the narcissist’s intermittent reinforcement, that strengthens your trauma bond.

Here’s what to do instead

Lean into the pain. Start slowly. Notice the physical sensations in your body. Maybe your lungs feel wet, your lip is quivering, and your chest feels constricted. Notice and accept them. Over time move on to your emotions, your feelings, and your stories.

When you lean in rather than distracting or turning away from the pain, you open the portal for healing.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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