60 Revealing Things Covert Narcissists Say When You Know How to Listen

Let their words show you who they are

Covert narcissists say a lot without communicating anything real.

When you start to talk to other survivors (or work with them like I do), you realize they say many of the same things.

Sometimes hearing these “catch-phrases,” so to speak, will trigger an a-ha, an awakening that nothing else can.

You’ve heard them so many times…

Phases of relationship with a covert narcissist

There are three phases of relationship with a covert narcissist — idealization (love bombing), devalue, and discard. Aside from the initial idealization (love bombing), which always comes first, the covert narcissist flows from one phase to the next in no apparent order and often the phases overlap.

Idealization always comes first

During idealization, the covert narcissist idealizes you, their target. Due to their lack of object constancy, they believe you can do no wrong. They love bomb you to create the lens for how you see them, to indoctrinate you into their world.

Things covert narcissists say while love bombing…

• You are amazing. I can’t believe you’re single.
• Where have you been all my life?
• You have such great ideas. Why don’t you run for President?
• I love how you…(really any compliment here).
• Can you help me with this?
• You’re so much better at…than I am.
• Oh my gosh! I love root beer and old movies, too. We must be twins.
• I know we just met, but will you be my girl/boyfriend?
• I’ve never fallen for someone so quickly.
• I love you.

Devaluation starts on day one

The covert narcissist starts devaluing you from day one. You just don’t know it. Don’t be fooled into thinking you can stick around for the romantic walks on the beach and then get out once the devaluing starts. By then you’ll have long been trauma-bonded.

During the devaluation phase, the covert narcissist no longer thinks you’re perfect, or they think you’re too perfect, which also irritates them. They want to bring you down so that they feel better about themselves. This desire is often entirely subconscious.

Things covert narcissists say while devaluing you…

• Are you sure you want to wear that?
• What? I thought you wear an XXL.
• Wait. You’re allergic to cashews? I was just trying to do something nice.
• Nothing I ever do is good enough for you.
• No wonder your friends think you’re uptight.
• You’re so sensitive.
• Can’t you take a joke? Geez.
• I get why everyone finds you intimidating.
• If only you were educated on this issue, you would agree with me.
• You’re so controlling.
• I was just out. You don’t need to be so insecure. You know I love you.
• Oh yeah? Well, you ALWAYS want to start an argument. You should have been a lawyer.
• I can’t help your poor self-esteem.
• How can you even ask me that? I’d never think that about you.
• It’s not my fault.
• It was an accident, for crying out loud. Let it go.
• I forgot.
• It’s your fault I hide things from you.
• You are the problem here.
• No wonder your ex left you.
• You are the reason I have to go out with my friends. You’re too intense.
• My sister doesn’t like you.
• Don’t tell Sarah I told you this, but she thinks you’re full of yourself.
• I guess I’ll never be as perfect as you are.
• Why can’t you just let this go?
• Can’t we just move forward?

The discard can be a long, drawn out process with a covert narcissist

By the time you get to the discard phase, you’ve typically tolerated a whole lot of abuse. As your cognitive dissonance from this abuse grows, you start to see what’s really happening. The covert narcissist’s mask slips.

This is the point of peak narcissistic injury, true narcissistic collapse. The covert narcissist is filled with rage and holds nothing back. You have become the enemy and they are determined to take you down.

At this point, the covert narcissist will discard you or will torture you until you discard them.

• Why are you doing this to me?
• How can you even say that?
• I can’t believe this is who you are.
• You played me.
• You are a liar.
• You are sick in the head.
• You are evil.
• You are trying to manipulate me.
• I never could trust you.
• You just want to be with someone else.
• I was never good enough for you.
• I hate you.
• You never loved me.

The things covert narcissists say that you never hear

These are some of the most distressing things they say — the things they’ve told their flying monkeys for years, even decades, about you. The things you don’t find out about until years later when you realize none of those relationships were real.

• I wouldn’t tell her that. You don’t want to see her angry.
• I can’t go to lunch. He watches my spending really closely.
• She only looks perfect. Trust me.
• I hear his job is at risk. He flew off the handle again.
• I think she expects too much from the kids.
• He defers all parenting responsibilities to me. His time with them is a play date.
• The kids are in school now. I wish she’d pull her weight. It’s so stressful supporting the family.
• I wish he had some motivation. He has so much unused potential.
• Have you noticed she’s friends with a lot of men?
• Is that lipstick on his collar?
• She’s trying to lose weight — again. No more good food in the house.

Taking back control

The covert narcissist is a puppet master.

Consciously or subconsciously, everything they say is intended to control the way you see them, control the way you see the world, control the way you see yourself, control the way you see others, or control the way others see you.

You cannot control them, but you absolutely can control you.

When you see the covert narcissist for who they are, leave the relationship, break the trauma bond, and heal, you put yourself back in the control of your destiny.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Want help breaking the trauma bond and healing? I created Antifragile Jumpstart, a six week group program just for you (link to my website).

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: What Exactly Does a Covert Narcissist Want in a Relationship? and Why Is a Covert Narcissist Terrified of You After the Discard?