Don’t Try This At Home: The Urban Legends Edition

Five stories of sex turned scary

What’s not to love about urban legends? These stories remind us that it doesn’t have to be Halloween to enjoy a good chill and a good thrill. All of these stories are cautionary tales — and some give warnings of sex gone wrong. The following are five sex-related urban legends to make you think twice before getting hot and heavy.

The Hero Takes a Fall

A couple decided to spice up their sex life with a little bit of rope. The husband tied his wife to their bed naked, and told her he would be back momentarily after doing something in another room. When he emerged, to her delight, he was wearing a Superman costume and was prepared to rescue the naked damsel in tied up distress. However, the woman was not so impressed by her husband’s rescue execution: Although he had a bold start when he jumped in her direction from the top of their dresser, he made a misstep and knocked himself unconscious when his head hit the idle ceiling fan. Thanks to the mishap, they both needed to be rescued, so the woman screamed until her neighbors called the police and they came to the couple’s aid.

She found her passed out husband — along with the family cat nibbling on what looked like his penis.

Stuck in the Act

Police officers driving on patrol heard the horn of a sports car blaring and went up to the vehicle to find out what was wrong. They were met with two naked lovers, getting it on in the missionary position. The pair explained that the man’s back got thrown out and they were stuck to each other in the heat of passion. In return, the police explained that the only way to get them out to sexual freedom was to have a wrecking crew dismantle the car. The man was anxious to get medical attention, while the woman seemed more dismayed about the car. As paramedics put the man on a stretcher, they tried to console his distraught partner, explaining that he only slipped a disk — he was going to be fine. But that was no consolation to her at all. As she clarified, she didn’t care about what happened to her companion one way or another. She was more concerned about how she was going to explain what happened to the car to her husband.

Although he had the smooth moves, he wasn’t packing in the pants.

A Hairy Miscalculation

A hairdresser was about to close her shop for the night when a last-minute customer came in and explained that he was on a business trip and staying at a nearby hotel. Despite being reluctant to take another client, she decided to oblige him and give him the quick haircut he was asking for. She got him settled in the chair, pinned a sheet around his neck, grabbed her comb and scissors, and started getting to work. But before she could start clipping, she glanced at the man’s lap and saw the sheet moving in an up and down motion. Assuming he was tickling his ivories and satisfying some kind a hair fetish, the stylist grabbed a bottle of shampoo and knocked him senseless. She quickly called the police and still armed with the bottle when they arrived, she watched as they removed the sheet — revealing a pair of glasses in the man’s lap.

Boogie Tubes

When disco was king, a man thought he could piggyback off the success of Saturday Night Fever and strut into success with the ladies. But despite donning his bell bottoms and dancing the nights away at the discotheque, he couldn’t find someone to come home with him. He realized what the problem was: Although he had the smooth moves, he wasn’t packing in the pants. The man had a solution though — a pair of tight polyester pants that he would stuff with an eight-inch plastic tube. Although the tube pressing against his thigh was painful, he was a hit with the ladies! That is, until he hit the floor of the disco. When the man came to, he found himself in the emergency room with a disapproving nurse standing over him holding the tube in her hand. She told him the tube had cut off circulation in his crotch area and he passed out. She advised him to stuff his pants with tissues next time.

They were stuck to each other in the heat of passion.

Turkey or Cock?

After a night of drinking, a man was brought home by his friends and quickly passed out on the couch. His friends decided to raid the refrigerator, where they found some leftover turkey to devour before they left. On the way out, the two men thought a good prank was in order, so they took the turkey neck out of the kitchen, opened the man’s fly, and left it dangling out of his pants. It stayed there until the next morning, and it didn’t go unnoticed. When the man’s wife came looking for him, she found her passed out husband — along with the family cat nibbling on what looked like his penis. The woman screamed and fainted — in the process breaking her wrist — from the shocking sight. The man woke up from the commotion to find his unconscious wife lying on the floor, his cat running away with a turkey neck in its mouth, and his zipper wide open.

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Sources:

Brunvand, J. (2002). Encyclopedia of Urban Legends*. W. W. Norton & Company.

Brunvand, J. (1993). The Baby Train: And Other Lusty Urban Legends. W. W. Norton & Company.

Craughwell, T. (2005). Urban Legends: 666 Absolutely True Stories That Happened to a Friend…of a Friend? Black Dog & Leventhal.

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