Don’t Try This At Home: The Christmas Edition

‘Sex Sent Me to the ER’ features holiday hanky-panky

‘Tis the season to be jolly…and horny. And when the mood strikes, accidents can happen — and a lot of those accidents are chronicled on the show Sex Sent Me to the ER, which features stories of people getting amorous, then injured. In the “Holiday Hanky-Panky” episode of the show’s third season, we learn about the following three Christmastime stories of what happens when getting ho ho horny leads to a ho ho hospital visit.

Window Shopping

In the “Window Shopping” segment of the show, Megan goes to pick up her husband, Dave, at the department store where he works — partially in the hopes of scoring some holiday jewelry he hinted at buying for her. When she arrives, the store is closed and the security guard won’t let her in, despite the fact that her husband is still inside. She sneaks in when the guard gets distracted and starts feeling amorous as she meets up with Dave. Though she’s interested, he’s apprehensive and concerned about losing his job if they get caught doing the deed.

As they have the age-old “to fuck or not to fuck” debate, the next thing they know, the lights are turned off and the doors are locked. Dave calls a security guard he knows to let them out, but with a 30-to-40 minute wait ahead of them, Megan thinks they should seize the moment and have sex in the store’s winter wonderland window display since the lights are off and no one would really be able to see them.

“I knew this was a horrible idea; my penis, however, had different feelings,” Dave says about his decision-making process after his wife’s proposition.

So they get naked and get started. But as soon as Megan starts to jingle Dave’s bells, he begins to worry. What if the security guard shows up? What if people walking on the street actually can see them although it’s dark? Despite his anxiety, he holds his breath to get the job done, but as soon as he comes, he feels like his head has been struck by lightning. He has an extreme headache and extreme bloodshot eyes to match.

“It went from extreme pleasure to extreme pain in the same second,” Dave explains.

When the couple arrives at the hospital, the doctor performs an MRI and CT scan to rule out a stroke and aneurysm. It turns out, Dave has suffered a post-coital migraine, which was the culmination of his stress, fear, elevated blood pressure the situation caused, and holding his breath. Then the migraine caused the blood vessels in his eyes to get ruptured.

“I knew this was a horrible idea; my penis, however, had different feelings.” — Dave

But Dave and Megan enjoyed themselves, despite being literally put on Santa’s naughty list.

Home for the Holidays

In the “Home for the Holidays” segment, two college students are rushed to the hospital by concerned parents who say their daughter and her boyfriend mysteriously broke out in a rash. The mother is agitated — after all, what if the family’s Christmas celebration is ruined because her daughter has “a rash on her bottom”? And what in the world would give her a rash there anyway?

The daughter is mortified. The boyfriend is wheezing and cannot breathe. The father is pacing around the room on his smart phone, looking for a diagnosis. The doctor asks the young couple what they were doing before the rash developed and they look sheepish and won’t answer the question.

In order to get a better idea of what’s going on, the doctor does a full examination on the couple, while the woman’s father announces that he has found the answer to this medical mystery, thanks to Dr. Google. Mononucleosis! No, allergies! No, measles! No, contact with itchy holiday sweaters!

“Whenever Chris tries to steal a kiss, it’s never just a kiss.” — Deena

Meanwhile, the actual doctor examines them and finds irregularities in their rash patterns: While the woman has it on her back, buttocks, and the back of her legs, the man has it on his lower legs and the front of his forearms. A picture is starting to emerge, but in order to fully develop it, the doctor really needs to get the parents out of the room to get a frank answer about what happened. After having one of her colleagues suggest that the parents leave the room so they don’t catch whatever the couple has, the doctor is about to finally get answers: They were bored to death at the family holiday party, so they decided to sneak away for some alone time in the attic. They found a “fluffy pink blanket” and decided to unroll it and get right down to some erotic business.

The doctor figures out right away what happened. The “fluffy pink blanket” was no blanket at all, but instead fiberglass insulation that made them develop dermatitis after the splinters of glass got embedded in their skin. She said she would give them some medication and use duct tape in order to pull the small particles of glass out of their skin.

Christmas Quickie!

The “Christmas Quickie!” segment begins with Chris and Deena, who have been married for three years, making Christmas dinner for the family. Though they’re on a time crunch — the relatives are all due to arrive in three hours — Chris starts smooching his wife and Deena immediately has concerns about time management.

“Whenever Chris tries to steal a kiss, it’s never just a kiss,” says Deena, who agrees to indulge her husband, but quickly.

In fact, she wants to get the sex over with so quickly that she sets the timer for five minutes. “It’s all I can spare; you think you’re up to it?” Deena asks him.

“It went from extreme pleasure to extreme pain in the same second.” — Dave

Up for the challenge, Chris pulls his willing wife down to the floor and they bang out the details of their quickie. He’s proud that he’s able to satisfy her in the time allotted, however, he gives her something they didn’t bargain for when Deena announces that she’s having sharp pains in her stomach that feel like labor. The thing is, the couple isn’t aware that she’s even pregnant.

A Christmas miracle!

Or is it?

The couple rushes to the hospital and tests reveal that despite the unbearable pain that feels like labor, Deena is not actually pregnant. So what was the problem? The quickie had caused Deena to suffer from an ovarian torsion, which occurs when the ovaries get twisted.

Although Chris is quite impressed by his sexual prowess, he did learn something important: “The lesson that I learned from this is that quickies are not always a good thing because they can send you to the hospital.”

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