Summary

The article "20 Thoughts I Had During Horrible Sex" recounts a humorous and relatable personal experience of unsatisfactory sex.

Abstract

The article, titled "20 Thoughts I Had During Horrible Sex," provides a candid and comedic look into the author's internal monologue during an unsatisfactory sexual encounter. From questioning the start of the act to contemplating murder and planning a press conference with Gloria Allred, the author's thoughts range from the mundane to the extreme. The piece highlights the disconnect between expectation and reality in the bedroom, the importance of communication, and the often-unspoken mental gymnastics people engage in to cope with bad sex. The author's musings touch on topics such as poor performance, unimpressive physical attributes, and the length of the encounter, all while maintaining a humorous tone.

Opinions

The author humorously questions the quality and progression of the sexual encounter, suggesting a disconnect and lack of satisfaction.
There is a clear frustration with the partner's performance, as evidenced by the sarcastic thoughts about his prowess and the need for a high body count.
The author's consideration of murder with the belief of being acquitted reflects extreme dissatisfaction and humorously exaggerates the poor quality of the sex.
The partner's use of Magnum condoms is perceived as unnecessary and pretentious.
The article implies that the partner's self-proclaimed sexual experience does not align with his actual skills.
The author's thoughts about personal grooming amidst the encounter indicate a complete disengagement from the sexual act.
The anticipation of the partner's orgasm face signifies a countdown to the end of the unpleasant experience.
Post-coital thoughts reveal a desire to avoid further interaction and compliment-fishing, highlighting a lack of genuine connection or positive feelings towards the partner.
The article concludes with a nod to another author's work on similar themes, acknowledging the shared experience of bad sex and its impact on one's thoughts.

20 Thoughts I Had During Horrible Sex

If I kill him for this, I bet a real jury of my peers would acquit me.

1. Has the sex started yet?

2. No, really, has it started yet?

3. I wonder how many tiles there are in that ceiling.

4. He really did eat too much at dinner, he feels a bit heavier than usual.

5. Who is going to tell him that he doesn’t really need those Magnum condoms?

6. Damn, I need a manicure.

7. Horrible dirty talk begins in 5, 4, 3….

8. Cue the moaning so I don’t have to have an hour-long interrogation about whether or not I enjoyed this.

9. I could probably go for a pedicure too.

10. If I kill him for this terrible sex, I bet a real jury of my peers would acquit me.

11. I’m already planning my post-trial press conference with Gloria Allred.

12. For someone who claims to have such a high body count, he really hasn’t learned a fucking thing about fucking.

13. What should I make for dinner tomorrow night?

14. God, can we wrap this shit up already?

15. It didn’t take me this long to read War and Peace.

16. Next time he calls, I need to remind myself of this.

17. He’s not cute enough for me to endure this anymore.

18. Oh good, he’s starting the orgasm grimace. It’s almost over!

19. Hopefully, he falls right to sleep so I don’t have to deal with —

20. Oh, here he is fishing for compliments. Does “I’ve had worse” count?

More from Kiki Wellington:

25 Things I Thought While Losing My Virginity

No, really…has it started yet?

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15 Things He Thought While Taking My Virginity

Is she looking at me or the ceiling?

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13 Things I Think When Writing a Sex Scene

What I do when faced with writus interruptus

medium.com

NB: Thanks to Meghan Gause for inspiring this piece with her “What Girls Think About During Bad Sex” article.