Crushing my Queerness
How my celebrity crushes kept me in the closet
Almost everyone forms a crush on a celebrity during their lifetime. There are exceptions, but most people I know have had at least one celebrity crush, and I’ve had my fair share.
The earliest celebrity crushes I can remember having were on Sean Cassidy and Parker Stevenson from the Hardy Boys, Patrick Duffy from Man from Atlantis, and Donny Osmond. I was too young to realize they were crushes, but I remember thinking that they were all very pretty and I loved watching them on TV.
Getting into my pre-teen and teen years, my two biggest crushes were on David Hasselhoff on Knight Rider and Richard Dean Anderson on MacGyver. In fact, Richard Dean Anderson is probably one of my longest-lived crushes, and I had the privilege of meeting the man in 2015 at a local sci-fi convention.
Even as an adult, I still have the occasional celebrity crush. I’d say currently my biggest crush is on Misha Collins, who played the angel Castiel on Supernatural. I identified strongly with the socially awkward angel. Add the fact that Misha is a genuinely good human being, and does a lot of charity work, fuels my continued crush on him.
So, how do all those crushes relate to why I stayed in the closet for so long?
My sexuality confused my gender identity
As you can tell by all the people I crushed on over the years, I am exclusively attracted to men. When I was very young, I didn’t realize that it was unusual for boys to have crushes on masculine people. So, I happily insisted I was a boy, while making heart eyes every time one of my crushes came on TV.
After I realized that my body differed from other boys, I also realized that typically boys preferred girls. Since I knew I preferred boys, I reluctantly accepted my femininity, at least a little. I still maintained a mostly masculine presentation and embraced the identity of a tomboy, but I stopped insisting I was a boy. I rationalized it to myself by not letting labels define me.
In my mind, I had a better chance of getting boys to like me if I was a girl. I also did not spend a lot of time analyzing the situation. It’s a conclusion I came to, and I ran with it, because I had other things in my life to worry about. I didn’t think there was much I could do about my gender, anyway. It’s not like I ever saw transgender men represented in media back in the 1970s or 80s.
Their sexuality also confused my gender identity
The celebrities I have crushed on over the years have all been straight. They preferred women, and none have ever come out as bisexual or gay. Since they liked girls better, this made me believe that being a girl gave me a better chance at being someone they would like.
That being said, I was under no delusion that I had any chance of meeting any of them, much less getting a chance to date them. However, it was easier for me to maintain my crush if I felt there was even the slightest chance they might find me attractive if we ever met. Straight men would never be interested in me if I were a man, so it was easier for me to remain female.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming them for being straight and keeping me in the closet because of it. They don’t know me, and they can’t control their sexuality anymore than I can. However, my crushes on them, and their sexualities, contributed to me not exploring my gender identity at an earlier age.
What broke me free
There are many other reasons it took me so long to come out as transgender, along with plenty of reasons why I finally did. However, one thing that broke me free was no longer feeling the need to be attractive to those celebrities I’ve been crushing on over the years. Part of that came from achieving a certain level of maturity, and part came from the fact I’ve realized I prefer being single. Not having the drive to find a partner freed me from holding on so tightly to my feigned femininity.
Also, one minor factor I feel played a role was when I met my long-time crush, Richard Dean Anderson. My logical brain always knew that if I ever met him, it would be only an exchange of pleasantries, and not lead to the torrid love affair of my fantasies.
My logical brain was, of course, completely right. I wasn’t the least disappointed, and he was an absolute delight to meet. I interacted with him three times over the course of the convention weekend. First at a meet and greet event, where he spent about fifteen minutes at the table I was at with several others. He was sweet and goofy, everything I expected. Then I had a photo-op with him the next day, followed by getting his autograph on my photo on the final day.
I was on cloud nine after that weekend and it was wonderful, and I felt no disappointment over the fact he never flirted with me or anything of the kind. It broke the hold the illusion of that fantasy had on me, and in some ways began to crack open the tight hold I had on my gender identity. I no longer had this need to present myself as a gender that was more desirable to straight men.
It still took a few more years, and the death of my husband, to put me on the path of introspection that I needed to come to terms with my gender identity and begin my transition. These days, I recognize the parasocial relationships of my celebrity crushes for what they are, but it doesn’t stop me from still enjoying them. For me, it’s a harmless fantasy and something that can lift my mood when I need it, and nothing more.
Have you ever had a celebrity crush? Tell me about them!
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This story is a response to the Prism & Pen writing prompt, My Queer Movie Crush, Then and Now.
