Camouflaged Killer- Is Your Insecurity Destroying Your Relationships

There is a sweet spot in between the devastating effects of relational issues caused by the way we were programmed to see the world.

Whether you’re in a relationship that is one day old or fifty years deep, everything you say and do will either affect that relationship positively or negatively. To draw you closer together or repel you further away.

When you are aware of the potential effects you have on another individual that also just wants to live, love, be happy, and make the best out of this life, you can turn everything back onto yourself as if what they say or do to you has the same impact.

Every word you say to them can carefully construct a reflection of what words you would like them to say to you.

Even the painful truths you recognize in others can be spoken out of love and concern rather than hurtful jabs or condescending remarks.

Truth, as harsh as it can be sometimes, can still deliver a healing message if presented from a caring heart of concern, but that same truth delivered on the tip of a derogatory poisonous dart will render a completely different outcome.

Where is the Sweet Spot?

Before we go there, to uncover the underlying behaviors that veer from that sweet spot between too soft and too harsh, most attention needs to be focused on what I believe to be the biggest contributor in this battle for relational bliss, and that is the camouflaged killer called insecurity.

Insecurity can either present itself in one of two different directions with many variations inside of those directions, so once it’s pointed out, you’ll know what to look for to make corrections in your relationships.

1. Under-Compensation: Usually displayed as mild to extreme shyness, no or low self-esteem, or no to low confidence levels. Most of the time, being the people pleasers that subconsciously believe their opinions don’t matter, they just “go with the flow” or follow what everyone else is saying or doing just to “fit in.” They pick a person or a crowd that they think they would like to be like, based on their delusional version of what they believe it means to be self-confident. This unhealthy portrayal of self-confidence leads to the second direction.
2. Over-Compensation: Usually displayed as, in your face, belligerence, arrogance, the self-righteous “better than everyone” attitude, or the person who tries to make those around them feel lesser so they can feel better about themselves. Pointing out everyone else’s faults to take the attention off their own and most of the time, it’s mistaken for and deceptively self-defined as being confident, strong, and independent.

Sometimes those in the under-compensation category that’s had enough of being “taken advantage of” will realize their situation, and want to correct it but overshoot the target of true self-confidence/security, flip the switch, and catapult themselves into the over-compensation category.

Being taken advantage of is a real thing, but to an extent in the under-compensation category, it’s pretty much their own fault. They can’t or don’t stick up for themselves because they are too worried about stepping over an unrealistic boundary they’ve put on others’ feelings while over-compensation couldn't care less about anyone’s feelings. Mostly inadvertently taught to be insecure in either direction by upbringing, so on the one hand, if you don’t know you’re insecure in one or the other categories, you don’t have the tools necessary to make any lasting changes in the true, secure direction.

As I mentioned earlier about endless variations, also, don’t deceive yourself into believing that because you don’t possess every example in either category, you still don’t fall into one or the other.

The first step toward true security is being aware of the fact that you fit into one or the other category and then being brutally honest with yourself by admitting that fact, then taking the steps forward toward perpetual personal development in the most positive and productive way possible.

Now that’s on the table, what and where is the “sweet spot?”

The Sweet Spot!

That place where you can live in complete confidence, not a worry about what anyone thinks or says about you, your mood is unaffected by adverse circumstances or situations, stable minded, and able to separate your emotions and feelings from the people, places, and things in your everyday life. To make the best, most positive, most productive choices, going forward to live the life you desire.

YEAH RIGHT!!! IN A PERFECT WORLD!!!

I know, I know… I know what you’re thinking… “You’re completely overflowing the top of a taco bowl full of yester-lunch!”

Although, yes, it is impossible to achieve an absolute state of perpetual nirvana, the only way to live and maintain a better life, is if you have a solid anchor point target to focus on regulating yourself toward that target when things seem to go off track.

You don’t model yourself after the worst things possible to improve your life; you shoot for perfection to improve yourself even though you’ll never achieve it this side of Heaven, but if you don’t aim for it, you’ll never even get out of the harbor and continue swirling around in the cesspool eddy of life while simultaneously complaining about why you never make it out of the harbor.

Let’s break down a few bite-size pieces to shoot for so we can get closer to the target.

• Be aware of which insecure category you fall into the most.
• Be brutally honest by pointing out the behaviors that you recognize in yourself that are keeping you from the sweet spot.
• Self-regulate towards equilibrium while you’re shooting for the target.

— Not under/over-compensating for your insecurities.

— Stay in a state of self-awareness of each category.

— Re-calibrate your focus on a regular schedule towards the sweet spot.

• When you “feel” like giving up… Don’t!
• If you give up… Start again!
• Introduce this concept to someone else so you both can be accountable to each other.
• If you’re one of those perfectionist overthinkers to boot…

— When you mess up, forgive yourself.

— Continue without beating yourself up about it.

— You are entitled to mistakes.

— You’re no better or worse than anybody else.

• Enjoy the journey and don’t forget to live life in the process.

If you’ve purchased a ticket on the train of Personal Development, Self Improvement, or just want to be aware of some different points of view, here are some more articles to explore.

1. The Tragic Impact on a Life Negatively Conditioned by Observation
2. Oil Your Happy Hinge With Gratitude
3. Why That Line Between Courageous & Cowardice Isn’t as Thick as You Think
4. How to Dismantle the Triggers That Spark Hatred
5. Are Your Deceptive Desires Slowly Killing You
6. The Winds of Change Unfortunately Has Sand in it
7. Gain Total Freedom From Any Offence by Making This Simple Choice
8. Why You Might Be Stuck in the Shell of Depression
9. Stop Living Your Life in a Hypothetical Death Match
10. Did You Know That Indecision is Nothing More Than a Bad Habit

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Much Love. Rick