Why You Might Be Stuck in the Shell of Depression
Trying to make sense of the what’s, when’s, whys, where’s, and how’s of living life without some excess baggage
The unbearable weight of a semi-truck parked on my chest, wishing the last bit of life that remained would just hurry up and leave to just get it over with.
I remember staring out the window, blackness was the only shade that registered in the sensory part of the brain even though to me, the entire planet was covered in a burial cloth of solid white snow, what I referred to as “The big white blanket of death.”
Why did this darkness completely take over my life and what did I do to finally figure out how to break loose from this death trap coffin called life?
The Why Behind The Story
Living in northern Michigan, winter has never been my favorite time of year, it always made that “semi-truck” of depression much worse. The people that knew the old me understandingly didn’t put me on a popularity list either because of the accompanying dark cloud that clung to my aura like a led trench coat. If Eeyore was human, I would’ve been set for life with royalties from Disney.
It all started shortly after I was thrown into adulthood without a clue on how to maneuver through everyday responsibilities that seemed to come out of nowhere. Graduation was only a couple of months away and the reality of life on my own slapped me in the face like a bullwhip.
To kill a few years while I figured out what I wanted to do with myself, I spontaneously signed up for the military. Then without warning, someone pushed the fast-forward button. Got out of the military… moved from Michigan to Louisiana… got married… moved back to Michigan… got divorced… married again… moved to Florida… moved back home… 3 children later, got divorced again… Every step seemed to be shoving me further and further into a hole I wasn’t even aware of.
Making a long story a bit shorter
30 jobs later, 20 were complete career changes, 25 residence changes in 5 different states, traveled to 14 countries, 3 different marriages. And… A partridge in a pear tree.
After a small collection of wives, I found spousal changes to be a lot more painful than job changes so little things started to change but by now this pattern had carved some pretty deep grooves in the flesh of my self-destructive routines. I wore depression like a full 5-gallon bucket of sludge in the back of a pickup truck, it spilled on everything.
Faced with a life I either wanted to start over or end, & didn’t care which, I just didn’t want to be trapped in this prison of misery any longer, which most of the time tipped the scales in favor of ending it.
By this time I think God heard my silent cries for help out of sheer desperation, feeling sorry enough for me to send an angel to kick me in the pants. A nudge here and there in a few different directions until I ended up on the quest that changed everything.
Climbing Out of The Coffin
Something strange started happening. I was hearing about New Zealand everywhere, so much so I deemed it way beyond coincidence. People I’d talked to, things I’ve read, movies, or videos I watched or listened to, 9 out of 10 had something to do with New Zealand.
Curiosity got the best of me so deliberately started researching this phenomenon sometimes referred to as frequency illusion but quickly decided that, in this case, didn’t apply so continued researching.
Everything I uncovered about the country didn’t render any negative results, that I could find, which consequently led me to sell almost everything I owned to purchase a one-way ticket to this new promised land. Of course, there was more involved in the preparations but for the most part, every time I did any preplanning, it always led to a dead-end road, so took the plunge and just went for it.
Within about 7 months from first noticing, excited and slightly terrified I landed in Auckland, New Zealand. Not knowing a single soul or where I was going after landing, I picked up the only thing I had reserved for the first day upon arriving, the rental car and an air b&b room.
Making another long story a bit shorter
I’d say about 80% of the 6 months I was over there was guided by blind faith. When I did make plans, they were only about 1 to 2 days in advance and a few times didn’t plan anything at all, I just drove until I found the next place to sleep.
Almost everywhere I traveled would floor me with shock & awe to a point of wanting to press loop on that particular moment and live it over and over again. Gratitude for the creator and creation flowed out of me unrehearsed and without effort as I would quietly ask, “How could anything get any better than this?”
Then, as if it was a challenge to God himself, the next place I found blew the last one out of the water. My eyes were like the homeless and starving, devouring every morsel in the next course of creation that was placed on the banquet table of vision.
Within 5 months I settled back on the north island, bought a car, got a job, bank account, and a place to rent. Had a community to mingle with but it only took about 4 weeks to conclude that I learned what I needed to and just like that, ended as quickly as it started. By the time I got back home, I was floating on cloud 9. A complete total transformation from who flew to New Zealand and who came back.
The Conclusion
Never, up until that trip, have I ever stepped that far outside the comfort zone and conversely never experienced that much freedom to the very core of my soul. I found that there were 3 main components in the process of acting by both solid and blind faith to step outside the comfort zone and crush complacency, faith being the common denominator in all 3.
- The Nudge That small inaudible voice that challenges you to move in a certain direction. A hint of the journey but no details, just enough to get you started.
- The Obstacles Things that try to keep you from the Journey, such as excuses, the voice of (un)reason, concerned “play it safe” people, or anything that keeps you from crossing that line.
- The Journey The meat and potatoes of your story. Challenges, adventures, more obstacles, detours, and everything else that causes exponential growth through acting in faith.
The disclaimer is that I’m not a doctor so I obviously can’t tell you what you should do or claim a cure for depression. I know what shook me out of it so before you think your case is caused by clinical reasons, you might just need to get out and start living life.
The 2 major reasons I was stuck there were because of perfectionism and ingratitude.
- Do you need to be certain of an outcome before you act on it?
- Are you overly analytical to the point of never coming to a conclusion?
- Does everything have to be perfect before you put yourself out there?
- Do you research things to death and then try to revive them so you can do it all over again?
If any of those rings true for you, most likely you never get past the nudge or obstacles phase to get you into your journey because of excuses and a lack of faith.
When you detect a nudge, take the call. Complacency is a stagnant pool of mediocrity caused by a few different issues, perfection, fear, worry, anxiety, low self-confidence, or just plain laziness. They’re all excuses.
The human soul needs challenges to figure out, new adventures to experience, and physical activity to stay healthy. Complacency, AKA the comfort zone, kills all of the above and in my case sent me spiraling down into depression so deep, it took away the will to be alive.
Another way to re-word perfectionism is needing control and I’m not talking about the inner self-control but the outer circumstantial kind that tries to manipulate everything to your will. Sometimes you just need to give up that control and trust that everything is going to turn out ok. Act without knowing the outcome, take a risk that you wouldn’t normally take, ask questions & talk to people that intimidate you.
The Recap & Takeaway
- Listen for that gentle nudge to step out of your comfort zone.
- Be aware of your excuses for NOT acting on an opportunity and why. — It’s too expensive, — too hot, — too cold, — I don’t know how, — I’m not good enough, — I don’t have time, — too young, — too old… etc.
- Give up control. — Let things happen the way they happen, let people say and do what they say and do, they have reasons just like you, — seek to understand rather than condemn, — Take chances and leave the outcome to what it is.
- Be prepared but not perfect,… hint, it’s unattainable anyway.
- Don’t let the obstacles get in your way, push through. Whatever your excuse is to not do something, there is always a reason why you must.
- Live life and spread life, you just might find your depression packed up and went away or, at least, took the back seat to finally let you drive.
- Just come up with a plan and go. Don’t focus on the end goal, just focus on the next tiny step forward. The end goal will work itself out in the process.
- By all means be, grateful for everything! Yes, even the things that seem to be bad, it’s those things that are preparing you for the next step.
- & Don’t take no for an answer.
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Much Love. Rick
