9 Ways to Improve Your Listening Skills

Your partner will thank you

Are you listening to your partner?

Your response to this question is probably “Of course I am! I listen to my partner every day.”

But do you really? Are you really listening?

When we think about communication in our relationships, we generally think about it in terms of how we speak to our partners. And of course, being able to talk to your partner openly and honestly is important for a great relationship. However, that’s only half of the communication equation: In order to really communicate effectively in your relationship, you need to be able to listen to what your partner has to say. The following are nine key ways you can open your ears and improve your listening skills.

Slow Down

One of the issues people may have when listening to their partner is that they are quick to answer, but slow to pay attention. Relationship and dating expert Lauren Peacock, author of Female. Likes Cheese. Comes with Dog.: Stories About Divorce, Dating, and Saying “I Do”*, says in order to improve your listening skills, you need to take things slow during your conversations — which may include not responding verbally at all.

“Each person has a unique sexual template that may differ in some ways from yours.” — Megwyn White

“The best way to improve your listening skills is simple — slow down. In conversations, don’t rush through to get to the finish line. Don’t jump to conclusions, and don’t feel as if you have to be the one to hurry your partner along so you can have your turn to speak,” said Peacock. “If in-person talks make it more challenging to communicate important issues to each other, then maybe try writing a letter or an email expressing your feelings about a certain topic. That way you have the full attention of your partner and can take your time getting your thoughts down. Processing and sitting down to talk at a later time may be beneficial for active listening in some circumstances.”

Be Present

You may try to have important conversations with your partner when you are surrounded by distractions — mobile devices, the television, and even your own thoughts. Getting rid of the physical and psychological background noise can help improve your listening skills because you stay present in the moment.

“If you try and speak to someone when they are busy or not in the right frame of mind, you are unlikely to get the response you want,” relationship coach John Kenny explained. “I suggest that people set aside time to talk so that both people know they have space to speak and each knows that this is a time to listen.”

Be Aware That You’re Listening

Good listening is not just about hearing what someone is saying, it’s about really putting in effort. You can improve your listening skills, says Mindie Kaplan, Founder of MaleRoom, by making the decision that you’re going to listen to your partner and be aware that you’re doing it in real time.

“When someone is talking, their facial expressions, hand movements and gestures can be indicators to what they are feeling in that precise moment.” — Ro Sanchez

“When someone starts to share, be deliberate about how you show up as the listener,” said Kaplan. “If you can even hear them without judgment to help them come to their own conclusions first before being as quick to state an opinion — even if you have the right intentions — it’s almost an invitation or audition to test your skills of being a supportive sounding board.”

Repeat What You Heard

The whole point of listening is to understand. One way you can ensure that you understand what your partner has told you is by repeating what you’ve heard and getting confirmation that you interpreted it correctly. But be sure to wait your turn before you do it and don’t use this as an opportunity to defend yourself.

“A huge part of active listening is comprehension — meaning that you understood what they were expressing,” intimacy coach Ro Sanchez said. “When you take the time to repeat or emphasize what you heard, this gives your partner the chance to correct any assumptions or misunderstandings.”

Pay Attention to Voice

What your partner says is important, however how your partner says it should also be something you pay close attention to if you want to be a good listener. Tone of voice can give you just as much information as the words coming out of your partner’s mouth, so you need to listen to it.

“There can be distinct and oftentimes minor fluctuation in someone’s voice when they are sad or nervous or joyful,” Sanchez said. “This can really help you tune into your partner’s inner world and can also be helpful in the bedroom.”

Pay Attention to Descriptors

When your partner is telling you what they want sexually, it’s important to pay attention to the descriptions they use. According to Megwyn White, Certified Clinical Sexologist and Director of Education for Satisfyer, doing this will not only improve your listening skills, it will also improve your overall sex life because your partner will feel validated and confident enough to ask for what they want.

“If you try and speak to someone when they are busy or not in the right frame of mind, you are unlikely to get the response you want.” — John Kenny

“Listen for specific words, especially adjectives and specific body cues. If they say touch me softly, match that energy by slowing down your breath and perhaps imagining that your hand is listening to the skin beneath your touch for subtle changes. You can also match their request with words that let them know you’ve heard them,” White explained. “For instance, saying ‘like this’ or asking them to model the touch with their own hands in saying ‘please show me’ sends the message that you are on board with meeting their desires, and allows you to assume a more active listening role by watching their actions with focused attention. It also allows your partner to move deeper into listening to their own pleasure, which can feel amazing, especially if you’re listening with highly-focused attention and curiosity.”

Pay Attention to Body Language

We don’t just communicate with our words, we communicate with our bodies. To become a better listener, it’s important to not only open your ears, but to also open your eyes so you can observe what your partner’s body is trying to tell you.

“When someone is talking, their facial expressions, hand movements and gestures can be indicators to what they are feeling in that precise moment,” said Sanchez. “As far as the person actively listening, keep eye contact so your partner knows you’re paying attention. This will help them feel more relaxed while speaking to you.”

Address Your Anxiety

Having relationship conversations can be challenging, especially if you’re talking about matters related to sex. If you’re feeling anxious about a conversation your partner wants to have, you won’t be able to listen carefully, so it’s best to be upfront and honest about how you’re feeling so you can address your anxiety first. Give yourself the opportunity to calm down, and then pick up the conversation another time.

“In conversations, don’t rush through to get to the finish line.” — Lauren Peacock

“Sexual conversations are anxiety provoking, even if you’re just listening, so soothing your own anxiety around this discussion will help you listen better,” said licensed clinical psychologist Paul-Roy Taylor, PhD. “If you’re feeling anxious or nervous, you can always say at the start that, ‘This is actually kind of anxiety provoking for me. I want to listen, but I’m probably just going to hear for now.’ That way you take yourself out of having to respond immediately, but be sure to follow up.”

Keep an Open Mind

Opening your ears is surely a part of listening, but don’t forget to open your mind when you hear what your partner is telling you. This is especially true when they’re sharing their sexual desires, says White.

“As your partner shares what they need sexually, it’s important to keep an open mind, and to not judge. Be careful to not jump to assumptions or minimize your partner’s desires,” White said. “Each person has a unique sexual template that may differ in some ways from yours. As you allow your partner to share their desires without judgment, you can more easily navigate what will support them best on their erotic journey.”

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