First Time Fail: A Masturbation Misunderstanding
Maybe a rolled up copy of Star Hits wasn’t exactly what he had in mind
Once upon a time, a wide-eyed, precocious preteen was in bed, in the dark, listening to Purple Rain. When “Darling Nikki” came on, the wheels in her head started spinning.
“I knew a girl named Nikki, I guess you could say she was a sex fiend….”
“Fiend? Does he mean friend?” she wondered.
“I met her in a hotel lobby masturbating with a magazine….”
That line stayed in her mind for weeks as she pondered the logistics. She knew what masturbation was, and although she had not yet tried it herself, she imagined it was quite pleasurable.
Weeks later she found herself yet again in bed, in the dark, listening to Prince. Something about the song “Lady Cab Driver” made her feel things she never thought of before. A tingle beyond comprehension, transcending description, formed in her most private area.
As the night went on, and she listened to more Prince, the feeling got stronger. Then she remembered Nikki and her machinations in that aforementioned hotel lobby.
A tingle beyond comprehension, transcending description, formed in her most private area.
“A magazine though?” she wondered. “I thought people used their fingers for that.”
Quizzically she listened to the song again, mental wheels turning. Still feeling the tingle, she thought “Okay, well, if that’s how it works, I guess I should try it.”
She reached over to her dresser and grabbed the latest copy of Star Hits magazine, carefully studying the perfect faces of each member of Duran Duran. Well, everyone except Andy Taylor, that is.
She rolled up the magazine, resolved to the idea that she’d probably have to buy a new one and stuck it in the direction of her longing. Only a very, very small portion fit, but she stayed in position, waiting for the magic to happen.
No bells went off. No whistles blew. No explosion of pleasure.
No nothing.
Not seeing what all the fuss was about, she retrieved the copy of Star Hits, threw it in the trash — lamenting that she would have to use that week’s allowance to replace it — and continued listening to the song, wondering why something so uneventful even warranted one.
She decided that masturbation just wasn’t for her and she rolled over and went to sleep.
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