20 Quotes About Masturbation

Out of the mouths of horndogs

Who doesn’t love to think about, and occasionally talk about, masturbation? Since May is National Masturbation Month, I know I’ll be talking about it a lot in the coming weeks. But, of course, people always have something to say about it and the following are 20 of my favorite masturbation quotes.

1. “Physics is to mathematics what sex is to masturbation.” -Richard Feynman

2. “We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.” -Lily Tomlin

3. “Masturbation — the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century it was a disease; in the twentieth, it’s a cure.” -Thomas Szasz

4. “In the early days all I hoped was to make a living out of what I did best. But, since there’s no real market for masturbation, I had to fall back on my bass playing abilities.” -Les Claypool

5. “Reading — like masturbation — is something you do alone and very little in life brings more pleasure.” -Chloe Thurlow

6. “Masturbation is our first and natural form of sexual activity and if that’s inhibited or damaged, then we suffer for the rest of our lives.” -Betty Dodson

7. “Sex without love is nothing more than a complex form of masturbation.” -August Clearwing

8. “I’m stranded all alone in the gas station of love, and I have to use the self-service pump.” -Al Yankovic

9. “Masturbation is a democratic pleasure, practiced by rich and poor, young and old, married and single.” -Mason Cooley

10. “Masturbation is the thinking man’s television.” -Christopher Hampton

11. “Self-improvement is masturbation.” -Chuck Palahniuk

12. “Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!” -James Joyce

13. “I do not need a man. I am devoted to masturbation. I think it’s probably one of the most pleasurable experiences in life.” -Gloria Stuart

14. “In every way, masturbation is quite handy.” -Alain Bremond-Torrent

15. “Masturbation was my gateway drug to sex.” -Jane Emery

16. “Parthenogenesis means never having your mother tell you to stop doing that or you’ll go blind.” -Seanan McGuire

17. “Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food’s in the oven. And I’m in the bedroom performin’ self lovin.’” -Craig Ferguson

18. “The greatest thing about masturbation is that it is always available. I wager that many a condemn man has consoled himself this way during the night before his execution.” -Robert Anton Wilson

19. “Real scratching is superior to masturbation, in my opinion.” -Samuel Beckett

20. “You’ve jerked my heart more than your dick.” -Crystal Woods

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