7 Covert Narcissist Behaviors So Strange They Are Unbelievable
You’ve got to see it to believe it
When you have been abused by a covert narcissist, you start to see the predictability in their patterns — the passive-aggressive putdowns, gaslighting, sabotage, undermining, future faking, triangulation, weaponized incompetence, silent treatment, and more.
Some of their behaviors, however, are so odd you pause to be sure they’re real.
These are 7 of those unbelievably strange behaviors.
#1 They lie about small, seemingly insignificant things
Covert narcissists lie to some degree about almost everything. They are masters of “untruths” or “partial truths.”
Sometimes their decision to lie just doesn’t make sense. They lie about things so small and so insignificant; it seems it would be far simpler to tell the truth.
They tell someone they…
- Trained for and ran a half-marathon
- Stopped by the DMV to renew their license
- Called their mom
To be clear, the person they’re telling doesn’t care about any of these things.
They have no attachment to whether the covert narcissist did them or not. There is no judgment in favor or against. There are no bragging rights nor any disappointment to be avoided.
The topic of these statements is irrelevant. The fact that they’re lying is not. It is a huge red flag, no matter how insignificant the lie.
#2 They are chameleons
The covert narcissist is a completely different person with different people.
When they are with a crowd that’s artsy and intellectual, they think sports consist of overpaid, lug head athletes. When they are with their friends at a sports bar for the big game, they are the biggest fan ever with all the gear, stats, and more.
When they are with someone who doesn’t drink alcohol, they make a point of talking about not drinking alcohol, saying “I was at a bar, but I ordered a Coke.” When they’re with friends who drink, they talk about their favorite craft beer or wine.
When they are with someone who doesn’t drink coffee, they think it’s disgusting and can’t understand why anyone would drink it. When they’re with coffee drinkers, they love the stuff.
#3 Everything they say has spin
The covert narcissist is seeking to influence your opinion about someone or something with EVERYTHING they say.
Even when they proclaim they’re ecstatic in the honeymoon phase of their new marriage, they say things about the spouse that make you scratch your head.
- She’s really close to her ex-husband.
- He doesn’t come to the kids’ stuff because he doesn’t like kids.
- She got me a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant. I don’t like the food there.
- He doesn’t really like to have sex.
These are offhanded comments that are not presented as complaints, but they definitely create the lens for how you see others.
#4 They sabotage themselves, in addition to others
This one is super strange.
The covert narcissist will…
- Do things they KNOW will damage the relationship. You’ve told them. Maybe you’ve even told them you’ll leave if it happens again. They do it anyway
- Undermine your career success even though it affects the family’s bottom line and THEIR purchasing power
- Underperform at work when they’re on an improvement plan
- Spend money frivolously when they know they don’t have any money to spare
#5 They provoke discussions about their hurtful behaviors
The covert narcissist will do things intentionally hurtful and harmful to provoke another big sit-down talk about their behavior, about how their behavior affects you, about how things must change.
They want the attention, even though it’s negative. It makes them relevant.
#6 They will hurt themselves, if it hurts you
If it hurts you, the covert narcissist will…
- Fall down the stairs
- Break a bone
- Crash their car
- Get fired from their job
- Create financial hardship
- Emotionally harm the kids…
It does not matter that it hurts them, too.
#7 They will torture you until you leave, so they don’t have to
The covert narcissist who is committed to their role as wholesome, family-oriented, and victim, will not leave your relationship after being unmasked.
Instead, they will torture you until you leave them — even if your trauma bond is so strong that it takes you years.
The covert narcissist’s behaviors are so strange you have to see them to believe them
This is why it’s so hard for others to believe you.
It seems impossible that someone would…
- Lie about something small and easily disproven
- Sabotage or harm themselves
- Torture you rather than leave
Unless you’ve experienced it, it remains simply unbelievable.
Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.
Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.
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