4 Simple Ways a Bothered Narcissist Senses You’re Healing

They lack empathy, yet still KNOW…

Years ago, I was floored. As if, out of nowhere, my life turned on a dime. New, amazing opportunities seemed to be coming out of the woodwork. It was finally happening. My dreams were coming true — until three of the most prominent people in my life started wreaking havoc.

It’s a subtle distinction, but I say prominent, rather than important, because I was healing from these three relationships. All were toxic. My conscious mind considered those relationships required to some degree, but no longer important. My subconscious mind still bore the scars.

There was no conceivable way any of these three knew I had hit the opportunity jackpot. I didn’t communicate this to them, post it on social media, or even speak it aloud. No one but me knew I was in the midst of something big — or so I thought.

Over the next 24 hours, I heard from all three of them. For two, it was the first communication in months. All three tried to start something, to pick a fight, to get me agitated.

At the time I had no idea what was happening. Now I do.

The three important things I didn’t understand back then…

First, the reason for my sudden, overwhelming opportunities

This was my first adulthood experience of true alignment. My mind, body, and spirit were no longer at war. The internal conflict was gone. They were working together, and the result? Numerous amazing new opportunities.

My new-fangled alignment was a sign of profound and ongoing healing.

Second, how did the toxic people in my life seem to just know?

I hadn’t told them what was happening. I hadn’t told anyone. No social posts. Nothing. Moreover, narcissists are deficient in or lack empathy. It’s one of the defining characteristics of the disorder. How could they sense I was healing?

Third, the timing of their outreach

A narcissist who is receiving adequate narcissistic supply elsewhere will not notice whether you are healing or not. They simply do not care. That information does not affect them.

The narcissist who desires narcissistic supply from you, who is bothered in their current state, cares very much. Yes, they have insufficient empathy to understand how you’re feeling or changing (or why), yet they very clearly notice how it impacts them.

The narcissist senses you’re healing in these four ways…

#1 You no longer reach out to the narcissist. You no longer desire their attention, validation, or praise. You no longer need them to quell your insecurity, offer advice, or provide support.

This is new and it is noticeable. The narcissist doesn’t notice that you’re changing as much as they feel they are no longer relevant. They want to be relevant.

#2 You no longer respond to the narcissist’s communication in the way they desire. Regardless of the type of relationship, the narcissist will reach out, particularly when they need narcissistic supply. They have groomed you to provide that supply. It’s sort of a call and response.

The narcissist texts, calls, or drops by your office. They are expecting attention and relevance in exchange for these efforts.

When you take a few days to respond, rather than responding immediately, as you would have in the past, they notice that they feel irrelevant.

#3 The narcissist no longer triggers any emotional response. The narcissist loves to bait a response. They may wish to make you…

• Miss them,
• Want them back,
• Feel guilty for leaving,
• Feel angry at them,
• Feel sad about what could have been.

Whether the emotion evoked is perceived as good or bad doesn’t matter. The narcissist wants to control your emotions, to feel power over your mood, to make or derail your day. Power and control provide a great deal of narcissistic supply.

As you heal, you become indifferent. You are no longer impacted by their antics. They lose the ability to trigger a response. At first, they wonder what’s wrong with you. Maybe you didn’t hear them. Maybe you didn’t understand what they said. Maybe, maybe, maybe…until they realize with horror that they are now irrelevant to you.

#4 You disconnect from the narcissist not only physically, but energetically. We are all energetically connected. We communicate through energy constantly, whether we’re aware of it or not.

Remember a time when you…

• Were thinking about your best friend and she called,
• Felt something was wrong, called a loved one, and found you were right,
• Felt a flash of intense love for someone seemingly out of the blue.

Each case is a result of energetic communication with the other person.

When you are thinking about the narcissist, missing them, wanting to get back together, or feeling angry, betrayed, or hurt, you are energetically communicating that to the narcissist even if you are miles away or never utter a word. They know.

This is why a key part of healing is truly becoming indifferent. Subconsciously, a narcissist recognizes acting indifferent as being an act.

When you withdraw your energetic attention and connection, the narcissist feels it, and will do anything possible to regain relevance.

The case for indifference…

In my case, the three narcissists in my life felt me emotionally withdraw. This wasn’t even conscious on my part. It was a natural part of the healing process. I had become indifferent.

They were no longer able to tap into my energy supply. Or, better put, I was no longer willing to give it away. I was putting my energy and attention toward the new opportunities coming to me.

Because I was indifferent, I was able to breeze through the three narcissists’ shenanigans. They were simply an annoyance to handle, not an internalized statement of my value, self-worth, or ability to move forward.

And the more I healed, the more I became indifferent, and the narcissists’ shenanigans became fewer and further between. But I no longer cared.

What is your next step toward indifference?

(And if you need help, let me know. I’ve got you.)

Disclaimer: This is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may be helpful to you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact survivors break free from the longstanding aftereffects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free guide, Was Any Of It Real? and find information about working with her on her website.