Summary

The article discusses the emotional journey of moving on from a narcissistic ex-partner, emphasizing the individual's control over their healing process.

Abstract

The article "Stop the Agony: How Long Will It Take to Stop Missing My Narcissist Ex?" addresses the emotional turmoil faced by individuals after leaving a narcissistic partner. It acknowledges the difficulty of the situation, the pain of memories, and the impact on children. The author, Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, emphasizes that the duration of the healing process is within the individual's control. She encourages readers to stop dwelling on the past, to avoid sharing their emotional burden with their children, and to focus on creating a healthy, loving relationship with themselves and others. The article provides resources and steps to help readers break free from the cycle of narcissistic abuse and move towards a positive future.

Opinions

The author believes that individuals have the power to stop thinking about their narcissistic ex and to control their healing process.
It is expressed that wallowing in the past and focusing on what could have been only prolongs the agony and hinders healing.
The article suggests that sharing the emotional saga with children is inappropriate and detrimental to their well-being.
Dr. Melissa Kalt, MD, advocates for personal responsibility in overcoming the after-effects of narcissistic abuse.
The author emphasizes the importance of not just moving on but also becoming "antifragile" and creating an amazing future.
The article promotes the idea that readers can and should strive to build healthy relationships and become role models for their children post-abuse.

Stop the Agony: How Long Will It Take to Stop Missing My Narcissist Ex?

As long as you let it

I feel the angst in this question.

You gathered up every bit of strength you had, and you left. You put an end to the abuse.

And even though you know it had to be done — you’re confident you made the right decision — you wish it didn’t have to be this way.

You don’t want…

Your kids to grow up in a broken home
To split holidays and other time with your kids
Your kids to be influenced by the narcissist and become flying monkeys
To rebuild your wealth
To let go of your dream of growing old together
To start dating at your age
To grow old alone
To start over

This is not what you wanted. It’s impossible to see a solution.

You think about your ex frequently — maybe all the time — not because you want to get back together, but because things should just not be this way.

You agonize over what you did and said, what they did and said, how you dismissed the red flags — for decades, how life might be different if you’d left sooner.

And admit it. You miss the good times, the times you…

Laughed together
Cried together
Stood against the world together
Welcomed a new child into the world together

Prolonging your agony

It’s so easy to wallow — to dive down that rabbit hole into the pit of despair, to look longingly at old photos, dredging up memories of when you thought you were happy, wondering if you’ll ever be happy again.

You share the never-ending saga with anyone who will listen, not realizing that by staying focused on the circumstances, you are actually avoiding healing.

Maybe you share your sadness, your regret, your angst with your kids, feeling it’s appropriate to share the truth about how you feel. It’s not.

Your kids are living in a swirl of cognitive dissonance with two parents they both love and the inability to recognize and reconcile toxic dynamics. They don’t have the emotional skills to deal with your feelings and it is not their job to take care of you emotionally.

You are offloading the burden of your pain at your kids’ expense while finding ways to justify it in your mind. You are making yourself the victim in your kids’ eyes and your kids aren’t equipped to be your hero.

The reality is, you don’t miss the life you had. That life made you miserable. You miss the life you thought you had — the illusion.

So how long does it take to stop missing the illusion?

It sounds trite, but it will take as long as you let it.

Look, you can choose to give your power to the narcissist for as long as you’d like. You might even feel like your thoughts, your misery, your circumstances are out of your control.

Fortunately, you’re wrong. You are in the driver’s seat.

You have the ability to…

Stop thinking about the narcissist
Stop missing the narcissist
Stop longing for what you had hoped would be
Stop hoping they’ll change, only to be disappointed again
Stop attracting new narcissists
Stop being attracted to narcissists
Create a healthy, loving relationship with yourself
Create healthy, loving relationships with others
Be an incredible role model for your kids
Create an absolutely amazing future
Become antifragile

The real question is…When will you say “Yes” to yourself and commit to creating the life of your dreams?

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

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