Six Surprising Ways to Heal Your Heart After Narcissistic Abuse

When I was in the thick of it, I thought I’d be forever broken

Having a narcissistic parent (though I didn’t know what narcissism was ’til my 40's) taught me not to trust anyone with my hopes, my dreams — the things that mattered to me. Sharing those things was a sure-fire way to end up feeling badly in the future.

As a teenager, I knew I put walls up. I just didn’t know why. I believed something was wrong with me. I didn’t understand that my lack of trust wasn’t the problem. The problem was the untrustworthy people in my life. I just knew I was determined to “fix” my problem.

When I met the covert narcissist who stole my heart, he reassured me I could let down my walls, that he was different, that I could trust him. Eventually I did.

It took me decades to see the impact of this decision — the poor self-esteem, diminished self-confidence, lack of self-worth, confusion, indecision, poor sleep, physical symptoms, deteriorating relationships with others (because of behind-the-scenes triangulation and from hiding my struggles and his behavior from those I loved), financial fallout, and more — despite being an award-winning doctor and the breadwinner of our family of seven.

Even once I could see it, it was like catching an occasional glimpse of sun through the trees, before my trauma bond sucked me back in.

When I left, I thought I’d solved my problem. I was wrong.

Leaving was just the beginning

You see, I still had physical symptoms, indecision, fear of making a mistake, difficulty trusting, and perhaps worse yet — I kept attracting new narcissists into my life.

I feared this was my new normal yet was too stubborn to accept that.

Fortunately, I was right. I’m now married to a wonderful man and guide others to heal from narcissistic abuse.

Now, lots of people talk about educating yourself about narcissism, going no contact, and self-care. Those are wonderful, important steps. I’m going to share six surprising things that really moved the needle for me.

Six surprising things that really moved the needle for me

#1 Getting really clear

When I was in that place of confusion, of gaslighting brain, as I call it, I didn’t know what was real and what wasn’t. I thought something was wrong with me. And after I left, though the gaslighting brain cleared pretty quickly, I was terrified of making another mistake — about anything. My mind did this endless, “on the one hand, but on the other hand,” thing. It was mind-numbing.

Getting really clear for me meant two things. First, getting clear about where I was on the healing journey. (I now see it as five steps. Completing therapy is step number three.) What works at one step may hold you back at another. This was huge.

Second, getting clear about where I wanted to be, who I wanted to be. This seems obvious, but for many where they want to be is “not here.” While that is true, it doesn’t actually help you get somewhere else. Can you imagine putting “not here” in your GPS?

Action Step: Get really clear about where you are now and where you want to be instead.

#2 Understanding the narcissist

It’s impossible to know where you’re going if you don’t know where you’ve been.

It’s also difficult to move forward when you don’t understand the narcissist — why they say and do what they do. Learning the vocab, seeing the tactics and behaviors clearly, helped me make sense of the senseless.

And more importantly, it helped me see what was mine to heal and what was theirs, so I could focus on what was important and ignore the rest.

Action Step: Learn the vocab. Deepen your understanding of the disorder. Separate their behavior from the story you’ve told yourself about yourself.

#3 Exploring yourself as the survivor

Understanding why I was chosen was so empowering. Sure, there are some characteristics –educated, successful, honest, compassionate, empathic — that I didn’t want to change. But there were others that I could. It was exhilarating to realize that I was in the driver’s seat.

Really getting to know myself in this stage was key. That meant ending the distractions — good or bad — and instead sitting in a place of curiosity about what I was feeling that made me want to reach out to a friend, watch a funny movie, or even wallow in the drama. Allowing and accepting my emotions made them allies, not enemies.

Action Step: When you feel inclined to distract yourself, ask what you’re distracting yourself from?

#4 Breaking your trauma bond

I’ll be honest, I thought the trauma bond made you want to stay with your abuser (and it does), but I thought once I no longer desired that relationship, it was gone. Sadly, no.

What I’ve learned is the trauma bond lasts until you consciously choose to break it. Until then, it attracts new narcissists into your life, attracts new drama from the old narcissists, and keeps you stuck in old patterns.

Once you see how the trauma bond was formed, it’s possible to break it, and stop the madness for good.

#5 Rewriting your subconscious scripts

This one is huge. Each one of us survivors has subconscious beliefs — things like I’m not good enough, I’m unlovable, I don’t deserve — that the narcissist exploited, creating the trauma bond while deepening this subconscious belief at the same time.

Rewriting these scripts not only changes your trajectory of all future relationships, it changes the trajectory of your life. Do you suppose believing you’re not good enough impacts your career or believing you don’t deserve impacts your ability to set boundaries or care for yourself?

#6 Rising above the drama and chaos

As you work through the list, you eventually become indifferent to the narcissist. They’re out there doing their narcissist thing, but it no longer impacts you emotionally or mentally. It no longer sucks your time, attention, and bandwidth into the swirl of drama.

At that point, you’re no longer a good source of supply and, over time, they turn their attention elsewhere.

Final Thoughts

Working deeply through the first three is paramount to being able to work through the final three. Start there.

Wherever you are, start now. The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago. The second best time is today.

I promise the journey is worth it. And if you would like help, I will guide you through all six steps in detail in Antifragile Jumpstart.

Disclaimer: This answer is for informational and educational purposes only and does not constitute medical or legal advice. It’s a recount of how I’ve been able to help myself and others heal from narcissistic abuse and how it may help you.

Dr Melissa Kalt, MD is a trauma and covert narcissistic abuse expert who helps high-impact women break free from the longstanding after effects of narcissistic abuse. Download her free risk-assessment guide, 3 Hidden Financial Risks Every High Income Woman MUST Avoid While Coparenting with a Covert Narcissist and find information on working with her on her website.

Recommended for you: How Did You Finally Break Your Insidious Trauma Bond with a Narcissist? and How Do You Avoid Reacting When a Narcissist Gets Under Your Skin?